Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

What the actual hell

Good to know. Maybe that’s not how OP feels, or would speak about it, if she did. I wouldn’t, either.

Yeah, this thread is wild. They haven’t asked her what she was wearing yet.

I don’t think you have, especially considering you were in the middle of the situation, unlike the posters on here.
You went to buy a homeless person a hot drink and got abused and threatened for your trouble.

It’s depressing that nobody in the cafe stepped up to support you. And just as depressing that so many posters on here say things like ‘why would they take the risk?’ , ‘get a grip’, or ‘you’re just being dramatic’. And then subject you to a third-degree interrogation about every tiny circumstance of the encounter.

When we can’t contemplate taking even a tiny risk in a public place to defend or support someone in trouble, things aren’t looking good.

You’re blaming a woman for men harassing women???
WTAF?!

It’s literally freezing outside and he asked OP to buy him a hot drink out of desperation.
He didn’t ask her for money or keep on at her for food or more drinks etc.

She did not know that he had MH issues and unfortunately her kind act resulted in her being afraid because of his deranged ramblings.

I have been harassed by multiple men in my life.
A tiny percentage of them (literally only 1 or 2) were homeless.

Never has it been a woman’s fault when men harass me.

I can give the people in the café a pass because perhaps they hadn’t quite figured out what was going on or were also instinctively reacting versus purposely deciding not to help. The people on here giving OP an unnecessary hard time for sport? No.

Honestly you have had a horrible time and then its been amplified on here where you hoped for support- a double whammy kick in the face that yes, people just dont care OP!! Well some do, but evidently most dont. Forget about it and move on OP and you did NOTHING wrong. Don't change, continue to be kind.

I know right!!!! And did OP even mention it was only women in the cafe??!!

You came on here to complaint about and find fault with the women in the cafe and the staff who didn’t step in, when you’re own husband didn’t bother and when you out yourself into the situation she could quite easily have simply walked out of the queue and out the door.

If you’d come just to talk about what happened then you’d have got a different response but your thread was started to complain about the woman who averted her eyes and didn’t put herself in harms way for you.

Just addressing a few comments re: “what the hell” 🙄

OP mentioned trying to catch a woman’s eye to ask for help. That is what I was referring to. If there were men in the line too and she honed in on this woman - that’s even worse. All the actors who supposedly failed her she referred to in this story were referenced as women. I don’t care if she was blaming random men too.

The point is OP is essentially blaming others - including women - for not stepping into the firing line. Because most likely that is what would have happened if they intervened to save her from this mess she walked into.

SHE is the one who began the thread by blaming others after she tried and failed to draw other women into the firing line through making eye contact with them or “showing fear” on her face .

If Op has just come on here and said she misjudged a situation and it led to her feeling upset and she felt awful after someone turned on her, she wouldn’t be getting this response. Especially if she acknowledged her husband let her down.

What’s she’s done instead is shield her husband - like she shielded him in the coffee shop - while pointing the finger at female bystanders who don’t know her from Adam.

Again, the issue (for me at least) is her holding other people - especially the ones who are women - to a higher standard than her own husband. And the fact she was actively trying to invite other women to get involved in a charged situation that could’ve easily been avoided if her and her husband had worked better as a team and used a bit more sense.

I grew up in Glasgow and me and all my friends had our weird encounters with drug addicts and alcoholics. What we didn’t do is encourage further interaction with them then complain about the lack of help once we were in too deep. A friend of mine opened her purse once to give £1 to a beggar, the man saw a £20 note in her wallet and insisted he take that.

She just kicked herself and saw it as a learning experience and moved on rather than blaming everyone around for not stepping into stop this man from taking her cash.

Spot on! You’ve said what I tried to say a lot more concisely 😂

So many typos. Sorry!

It's the fault of do gooders that there's a market for this style of harassment. Nothing to do with poor little woman stuff.

Bloody hell, poor you! This is so frightening and I’m sorry you have had that happen.

First of all, well done for doing a kind thing. You are a bigger person than me.

I’m pretty mouthy and I would have quietly asked you if you needed help but don’t think I would have intervened more than that in the queue. I have done so in the past with normal shitty men abusing women but not obvious druggie, mentally unwell ones. God knows what he could have done, which is what everyone else was likely thinking.

Sadly it is the way of the world and has been for years.

If I’m being incredibly generous: what on earth happened to that poor man to make him end up that way?

And if I’m being realistic: fuck that horrible predator arsehole!