Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

But he would’ve understood his wife’s body language, and she could’ve gestured to him?

@CopeWithChange im very sorry this happened to you especially after trying to do an altruistic thing. However I am surprised that you’re surprised no one in the queue did anything based on vocal interactions between you and the homeless person. I appreciate you said you looked worried but I doubt the other people in the queue were looking at you directly and the cashier could only take payment for the drinks in the order they were being made and didn’t see any reason to allow any queue jumping. Your ‘obvious I was very scared’ expression may have been read by them as annoyed, harassed, impatient etc.

As other PP said, the only person monitoring your well being was your DH and in your place I would have shouted him over if I needed back up 💗

Why didn't you just hand the vagrant a £5 note instead?

It's just OP was saying it was very obvious she was scared...yet her husband who was watching didn't realise either...

How big are these coffee shops? Hardly 200m away was she?

DH apparently twigged something was up yet... Did fuck all?

But you could have asked your husband for help. If the coffee shop was quiet it’d have been easy for you to walk to him, or even just call him over. You say strangers should have acted because you were visibly frightened - did your husband not notice?

And if you’d walked over to the queue with the horrible person to buy him a drink that would be enough for me to think you knew him (and asking you odd questions would make me think mental illness rather than random stranger).

Im very sorry you’ve been upset but I think you’re angry at the wrong people.

I had no cash!

No good deed hey?
I think people would need to be crystal clear that you needed help to step out of their comfort zones to assist you.
Sorry you had a scary experience.

I never give money to homeless. Never have, never will.

Nor do I carry cash these days!

Shame the husband didn't protect his wife

Why didn't your husband come over immediately as soon as he realised something was amiss?

So walk away?
Call your husband over?
Do anything other than stay with the person. I really don’t understand why you didn’t just leave.

So sorry you encountered this vile human when you were being kind. My DH would not have interfered either as he would be in his own world looking at other people doing ordinary things. The staff around you should have been more aware and helped. Nothing was your fault.

I don’t think any amount of “teaching” helps when you’re confronted by an aggressive man, whatever the circumstances.

Maybe he was a scaredy cat??

Your husband's getting some stick here. My partner would have already been on his phone and not even noticed he could be watching me. So fair play to hubby I say!

In honesty, you were too scared to say or do anything, but wanted other people to?

Yes, had I been the staff member I probably would have either waved your payment away or offered the card reader to you promptly

What do you want them to do? They were all presumably women like yourself of similar stature and not police women?

I get that you were scared… it’s likely they were too.

I was frightened. I think behaviours when you feel afraid are generally more instinctive, rather than necessarily being logical. It’s not possible for me to show you the situation, and the logistics of where my husband was standing with our two young children.

There are some really horrible people on this thread.

The OP didn't do any wrong and is obviously shook up.

You'd have to be a total shit box to be making it worse for her.

Sorry op- I would have been scared to say anything - let you go in front of me, he might of felt judged and come at me for it, intervene and he could have pulled a knife/ lashed out.

If I was in the coffee shop and seen/ heard everything from the moment he approached- I would be angry at you for keeping him in there where he could have gone crazy. Shame as he could be harmless but I wouldn’t risk helping you and certainly wouldn’t have said yes to a drink.

Think of the next poor woman he approaches thinking she will also say yes (as you did) she may not have a DH waiting to see she’s ok.

Also- I would presume you knew him so wouldn’t be involved for that reason.

Learn from this as there are more ways to help the homeless.

She said he was standing in between her and the kids and did not want to leave the kids, presumably.

It’s all well and good saying you would have said something but in the real world nobody does. People preserve themselves first and foremost and don’t get involved. People don’t know what is going on and are fearful of getting involved. It happens all the time.

OP for future reference as soon as he started making inappropriate comments that should have been your cue to actually sorry, no I can’t help you and walk away. Don’t expect bystanders to rescue you. People’s instinct is always to rescue themselves first. Rarely you might come across someone who has all the answers and jumps straight in but those are the exceptions, not the rule.

You’ve tried to do a good deed and it’s not ended pleasantly. I think you will need to chalk this up to experience. People will have probably intervened if he’d of become physical with you but sometimes a situation escalates when others intervene and it’s best to just let it pan out.

You were scared he was going to stab you or attack your husband.

It’s likely the people you are upset with for not helping you, were worried about the same.