MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

Priorities I guess

OP literally says that they would be happy if she was more involved when the only thing MIL can bring herself to do is send gifts yet expects that she should get the same level of appreciation as OP’s mum who actually does beyond that.

If this was a parent that only sent gifts instead of actually calling or seeing their child without the other facilitating it and moaning about not being appreciated because the other parent thanked someone who was more involved , posters would rightly say the gifting parent was being unreasonable and should either step up more or be ignored.

If this was OP’s mum instead, people would be saying the same things as they are about MIL.

It has nothing to do with her DH’s mother being a MIL but MIL moaning about not being appreciated when why should she for doing the barest minimum. Anyone can send a gift.

MIL wouldn’t have even contacted her son in the first place if she hadn’t been shown the post considering she and her son doesn’t have social media and rarely calls her son otherwise, something several posters seem to be skipping over do some odd reason.

Your MIL is out of order!

Theres lots of things here to comment on…

a) it’s your DH’s place to send messages and photos to his mum… not yours… particularly since she ignores you anyway!
b) It’s his job to thank his mum on social media - but why would he since she doesn’t have it so wouldn’t see it, he doesn’t have it so can’t post anyway! AND there’s nothing to thank her for since she’s made it very clear she’s not very interested!
c) You can post what you like on YOUR Instagram, what you post is non of your MIL or SIL’s business!!
d) SIL is shit stirring and out of order for reporting back…. I would be limiting what she can see on your social media, I don’t know if you can restrict what people can see? Or delete her all together, if she asks why say you’re not happy she stirred things up with MIL …
e) IF MIL is upset with what you’ve posted she should be messaging you!…
not her son….. what is she expecting ? Your DH to tell you off? To control what you can and can’t post?

Anyway .. no you’ve not been unreasonable, you can post whatever you like on YOUR SM….no one else’s business - not even your husbands actually. (Unless your slagging people off of course)…..
But if you want to thank someone you carry on…

Maybe DH needs to respond ‘when I have social media, and when you do something nice for us, I’ll thank you!’

Maybe your DH could tell her that's a cultural thing - your parents go out of their way to help and you go out of your way to show gratitude. It sounds as though she is a bit of a handful, NC with SIL - Bad omen ! In any case, not your problem to deal with her, it's his! He needs your support, he's in a tricky situation.

I have a son. No DIL for me yet, but I do have a whole long list of what not to do, which I regularly review. Hope this makes it easier for me.

Perhaps you should show her that and explain that she doesn’t appear to want to be too involved.

I kind of understand how she feels, in that your mum is closer, but that takes work on both sides. Tell her she’s welcome to get the train and you’ll pick her up at the station!

It's your Mum! Say what you like and don't give in to blackmail