MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

Depends on the similarity or not of the routes

Your MIL sounds like mine, no effort but likes to gripe she's left out. I agree with what another poster said, reply aww to her rant and leave her to it.

As we say in Texas, some people would complain if you hung them with a new rope!

Does your dh have a relationship with his niece/ nephew and half brother?

"She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”."

I think you should concentrate on being truthful, rather than thinking "about how we can respond without inflaming the situation". Because it does not sound to me as if anything you can say will soothe her - she has decided to be offended, and nothing you' can say is going to change that. So, with that in mind - better to be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Consider saying that she is not being left out, she is self-excluding from the lives of her grandchildren. That she has chosen and continues to choose not to drive to your home and that you can see that it's not the driving itself since she drives to her sister's - therefore making plain to you both that the problem is driving to Son/DIL/DGC. And yes, include that if she feels unappreciated, you would like to know what it is that she does for you that she feels merits appreciation because you're at a loss for that.

Don't allow her to berate you, when she is the author of her own fate. Turn it right back onto her.

I completely agree.

I’d love to hear the MIL’s side of the story.

Hard disagree.

Excellent post!
This nails it.

Do and say nothing. The post was none of her business but she’s made it about her. If she wanted to be involved she would have been

YANBU. We ‘made’ our parents grandparents in their forties so all four were still in full time career driven employment. Nonetheless both sets involved themselves willingly with help and love equally. But my goodness there was jealousy and jostling for position! It was hard work to keep smiling but we kept out of the bickering. I think you would do well to ignore mil’s missive.

And she snapped back “I’m done raising my kids, I’m not raising yours!”

that says it all,

She feels your mum is overshadowing her, maybe she feels she can’t get in to have any time with you and the kids. I think you need to ask her what she wants and include her more. You’re assuming she doesn’t want to be involved but if she’s sent that text then she clearly does or she wouldn’t be upset by it. She’s clearly felt you were rubbing her nose in it, obvs you weren’t but she’s hurt by it.
you also need to explain to her you didn’t think she was insterested . Both of you have to make an effort to resolve this as seems like there’s a lot of miscommunication and hurt

Also , beware of the SIL stirring the pot

No don't apologize. Don't remove the post. Your mum is helping you plus her grandchildren. We should never feel wrong from saying Thankyou. As for your mum in law id say please read the post. This is a big thanyou for helping me so much.

If you want to come over take child 1 and 2 to the park for a hour or two..or help me with sorting out the bedrooms. Or hanging out the washing.
You having to travel to the home of the mum in law would piss me off.

I have grandchildren. My son and daughter in law have 2. For the 10 years they lived in Britain we had the children weekends. Holidays. We played with them and loved these 2 like a incredible amount. They emigrated in 2014. I missed them so much I had a breakdown.

My other son had a son who luckily spends lots of time with us. He's growing up fast. he's my world. I don't understand mother in law. She is missing out on the beauty off playing. Love. Fun. Kisses. Oh my what a loss xx

That’s a pity as you are missing out on so much love and appreciation from your children and grandchildren

No, your MIL is not a lovely woman.

Nothing you've said about her makes her sound lovely in any way - and that is NOT a criticism of you by the way. My MIL sounds a bit like yours, and we are NC with her, she's never met our children. It makes life a lot more peaceful without her, rather than having a bitter vindictive woman in our lives.

I'm not sure whether your DH should respond or not to be honest. What is there to even say? "Cheddar is allowed to praise her mum for all she does for us as a family. You have chosen not to be a hands-on grandmother."

Whatever you reply or don't reply with, MIL will see herself as the victim who has been left out or disregarded by her awful DIL. These types of woman always have to play the victim.

It's her loss. When she's older and needs yours and your children's help with everyday things then she can't complain if your not there. 🤷 We did everything for my grandparents and my partner did everything for he's granny because we were all close growing up. My MIL doesn't help me at all with my children so there's no way I'll help her if she needs it. I think this is because my partners granny did too much for her when he was growing up so she doesn't realise how hard having young children is. He's granny would even come around to help them get ready for school, cook dinners and tidy her house. So MIL doesn't understand how hard it is. I asked her to watch my 1 and 4 year old for 3/4 hours this afternoon so we could go to the cinema and she sat there making up excuses. (Today it's shes tired) It's literally the first time in 7 months I asked her to watch them. Unfortunately my my family live in England and I live in N.Ireland so I never get a day off.

Did MiL's son do all these things? Why is it down to OP?

I haven't RTFT so I presume MiL is not very old, but her age should have been mentioned in the OP because you can't expect the same level of support from old people as from middle aged gps.

My dad is 91 and can use a smart phone with no problems and is computer literate. Dont make excuses for her.

No doubt you'd be moaning if MIL was popping round every day, poking her nose into your domestic situation, or wanting to talk to the kids all the time. It definitely sounds like one rule for mum's mum and quite another for poor old dad's mum. She can't do right for doing wrong. But hey, it's your business so you do you.

Feel the social media quote regarding this is apt.

”grandparents who choose not to be actively involved in their grandkids lives, do so because they didn't want to be parents
themselves. And the ones who are, those who go above and beyond, do so because they get to relive their love of parenting all over again”

I think your DM sounds lovely and really committed to your family. I don’t do social media posts but as your MIL isn’t on social media, it’s clearly not about her.
SIL sounds nasty- clearly stirring. What good is going to come of sharing that post? It’s just poor judgement or nastiness.
I suspect your MIL is jealous of the relationship you and your family have with your DM.
but she’s also not prepared to put in the effort. She’s the type to send birthday and Christmas money but not actually spend any time with the children.
as the kids grow up they will realise who was present. It’s sad but you can’t change the actions of other people. She needs to step up- she’s in control of that, no one else.

When I read these…and having a boy…I am always thinking oh gosh! I will be the “horrible MIL” one day to someone! That literally terrifies me :/

I can’t think of anyway she has done anything to you…it isn’t your mom so she can’t compete. If you don’t warm up to her then your children won’t know that side of the family much. End of it.

My FIL has little interest in his 5 grandchildren (1 of the grandchildren is by his eldest son and the other 4 are by his youngest son). He moved to Spain at one point, and all we heard is 'I miss my grandchildren' or 'I don't see my grandchildren'. My husband had to point out that he chose to move to Spain, so therefore he couldn't expect to have much of a relationship with them!!

We have visited and we call/Facetime regularly, whereas my BIL doesn't bother. He visits the UK, and spends most of his time with his wife visiting her family! His children are lucky to see him for 2 days, and his grandchildren might see him for a few hours. He makes little to no effort and now he's back living in the UK, nothing has changed! We visit when we can, and take our son but my BIL doesn't. His interest in his grandchildren is superficial.

It sounds as if your MIL might be similar. Likes to complain, she's missing out, but makes little to no effort to maintain contact or take any interest.

Hi op I think your mil has made it clear she’s not interested in your kids unfortunately this does happen. I would not do anything except say your not involved in kids life where as your dm is so you just wanted to thank her because she does so much to help you as a family and you would be lost without this support. I also wouldn’t be in a rush to visit her either. She’s not offering any help and obviously doesn’t care about seeing her gc. Please don’t bow to her remarks she’s a selfish woman.

How interesting. Do you think grandparents are only worthy of love and appreciation if they provide free childcare? My children's grandparents didn't do that and the dc have excellent relationships with their remaining grandparents. In our world love isn't transactional.

When dh and I needed a break we paid a babysitter, when the dc were bigger, I had an au-pair. Our parents brought us up to be independent and to provide for ourselves and we respect them for it.

DH and I between us have spent 80 years working - the fruits of which our dc and grandchildren will enjoy. When we retire we want some freedom to travel a little more, to spend more time at our home in France, where DC are always welcome,