MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

OP, to me it sounds like it's bruised your Mil ego and your DSIL had no reason to show her the post or even tell her about it.

I agree that it's your DH place to have maybe a heart to heart type conversation, choosing his words carefully because it sounds like that's what you (both) have to do anyway.

He needs to ask her why she can drive the same distance to her sisters yet not to see her family who want to have her there.

Do you guys ever drive up/down/left/right to her?

Maybe leave out the car seats jokes lol at least until this has blown over 😁

My mum is like your MIL. My in laws are super involved and the kids have a really good relationship with them. Partially it is geography but mostly she’s just distant but doesn’t like that MIL has a better relationship when she makes zero effort. Retired and perfectly capable of driving whereas we work full time and have 3 children. Mine are now teens and frankly you reap what you sow with relationships with kids. I used to try very hard to get her more involved but it is was all very one sided so I made my peace, ignored any nonsense.

Oh yes and mine drives all over the place to see distant relations, friends etc but not the kids.

Laughing at young Billy Bob and Mary

It seems like you think all the responsibility lies with OP to keep MIL happy, and that MIL can’t be expected to manage her own feelings herself.

I know we only have one side, but it seems like a tricky balance to keep her happy in having her involved, but not involved enough to think she was raising their kids. Do you feel really confident that you would be getting the balance right? And what would that balance be for you?
How about SIL sending that message - nothing problematic in that for you.

I don’t know if you have a DIL/SIL but would you say to them “It would be hurtful to me if you say nice things about your parents.” I also can’t see the difference between saying it on SM and saying it physically in your presence so is it the case that hearing nice things about others is hurtful to you. Do you think that would make you a little over sensitive- is it at least a point of view you would be prepared to stand up for?

As you say, the effort needs to come from both sides. The OP has made effort, despite being busy with two small children and both parents working.The MIL needs to make some effort. The SM post was nothing to do with her (she doesn't even use SM so it clearly wasn't directed at her in a passive aggressive way) but her reaction speaks volumes doesn't it, making the whole thing about her.

Hey. I'm nearly 70 and while I sometimes don't see a message instantly I do see them eventually, being in her 60s is no excuse
Is the driving because she doesn't like driving in the dark, if so that's a bit of a bummer at this time of the year, but not in the summer. At this time of the year she could set out early and have the morning and most of the afternoon we ith them. And still be driving in the light

I had it the other way around. My MIL was very keen, used to have the children over, spoiled them rotten and couldn't get enough. My own mum just wasn't interested in babysitting or being a hands on granny. She gave minimal input really, although she gave gifts for Christmas and birthdays. If we went to her, she'd be affectionate, but, honestly, she didn't want grandmotherly responsibilities. She acted as if she didn't "get" small children at all (there were four of us!) and I used to feel quite hurt - but it was just that way.
Once, I needed help, as my childminder was sick and I had to get to work. She hardly knew my kids, but she did help out, a bit like a not very involved neighbour might!
She got to know them better when they were older and was better at it by the time my third came along when Id remarried.
The truth is, not everyone is mad keen, but she's wrong to complain. DH needs to get involved in this.

Anyone else think that SIL was wrong for showing the post to MIL?
She wasn't meant to see the post and only did bc of SIL....

Me!

I totally agree

With them or me lol

Dear Mum

Our children are now 3 and 7mo. From the start Emma’s Mum has been in our lives helping with the kids, having older child over night when my wife went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. We are so grateful, her attention to the children is awesome.

You weren’t really involved this is your choice you send Christmas and birthday presents. You have met our youngest child twice and sees older one maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, you won’t come to us because you “doesn’t like driving” but you will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger child was born, you asked us to come to your to meet our child. This was when my wife had just given birth / why would you not see to come to your postpartum is so hard and it would have been easier for you to come here. You doesn’t call. You never asks after the kids.

My wife made post on instagram about how much she appreciates her mum and everything she’s done for us in 2025. Her mum has instagram and she wanted and was entitled to make a public acknowledgment of everything her Mum has done.

You sent me a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. I didn’t make a instagram post about you as you have not done for me what her Mum has done for us. You don’t drive to us, you could get the train or a bus or as previously said you could drive as you to drive to others. You don’t even phone once a week. There is no effort on your side and the relationship is totally one sided. We both agreed that if you just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but you just don’t. Instead you annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something you don’t do.

My wife can acknowledge and thank my mother in law however she likes on her SM.

As your son you are absolutely welcome to visit and phone and come and see our family more if you choose. This is your choice.

love you
Son

@Hollyleaves , that's a tl;dr. Way, way too long.

This MIL just likes having things to complain about and she'd complain about the tirade her son sent her if he sent anything like that.

They need to just let her be. She knows.

My Mother and father were totally involved with my kids and Mil & Fil were good too, so I was lucky. Find it slightly pathetic that a woman in her 60s sends stroppy texts about her hurt feelings. Obviously feeling guilty or she wouldnt have had such reaction. Never explain never complain, just dont engage in the drama. It was you saying something nice about your mum, it wasnt a dig at her. I would just say "I am sorry you see/feel it that way. No point in engaging.

With you 😂

Not for the Op and her mum.it isn't
Might be for you.

That’s the OP poster message - put in words from HIM to HIS MOTHER mil sent message to DH ergo a DH problem

🤣🫣 I realised that after about 15 seconds of asking 😆🫣

I live 90+ miles away from my family, so my DD sees her paternal grandparents the most. At least once a week. My mum will come and visit as often as she can and we will go there as well. It was my mums birthday the other week and I made a Facebook post wishing her a happy birthday and put something like to the best grandma or whatever it was. My MIL who I get along with extremely well and who is friends with me on Facebook, hasn’t said a word and if she did then my response would be that her son can make his own post when it’s her birthday. This isn’t because I don’t like her or don’t appreciate her. This is to stop my other half expecting me to do things like that for him. It’s bad enough that I write all the cards.

One dm doesn't need to be taken for granted to appease the other one... Op is entitled to gush about her own dm. Just as her dh can...
Presume he is still pondering what nice things to say..

I can't help the feeling that if MIL was more involved, then we would be reading a post about MIL who oversteps and doesn't have boundaries. Over the years I have been subscribed to mumsnet, I have noticed a prevalent trend that MILs are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

Several other posters have mentioned it as well!

Firstly how do people find the time??

There are 3 parents in this relationship.

100% this!

I actually hope that many DIL’s have sons so that they themselves experience being a MIL themselves. Because its tough!