MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

OP, your mum sounds wonderful and the way your acknowledge and celebrate what she does for you and your children is beautiful.
I hardly ever post here but I feel quite strong that you have done a lovely thing and have nothing to feel bad about.
Recognising and celebrating someone does not take away from someone else. Even if your MIL was very involved, you would always be allowed to show recognition to each grandmother without it taking away from the other grandmother.
In this case your husband is not going to post thanking his mum because there is nothing to thank.
Please do not feel bad for the beautiful gesture you have done. Your MIL feels how she feels - please do not feel responsible for managing or fixing her feelings.
I am so happy for you that you and your children have such aother and grandmother, and that she has you to cherish her. You have inspired me to be more vocal towards my own mother for all she does for us. Thank you.

I don’t understand why you have to make a public post when you could simply thank your mum directly. It’s the kind of thing ghastly celebrities do and then get flack for it.

OP, are you American? I ask because I am Irish currently living in the US and grandparents are very involved here. I think it’s nice. YANBU

OP is not a celebrity as far as we know and people are more than allowed to post what they want on their social media to give thanks however and whomever they want to and to give flack to celebrities over it is weird imo.

MIL is practically telling on herself to complain about OP talking about her own relationship with her own mum because she doesn’t seem bothered with her own relationships with her sons. OP talking about her own mother on her personal social media doesn’t take away from or stop her son from doing the same about her or him telling her how he feels about her.

She only cares because she was shown the post and likely assumes others will wonder about why she wasn’t spoken about in the same vein when in reality no one is thinking of her at all with that message.

I think OP is lucky to have such a lovely mum, many of us are not blessed with such mums, unfortunately.

Lol
What a bizaare comment.
Just because you clearly don't have that sort of relationship with your mum, doesn't mean it isn't healthy and normal.

When we announced we were expecting, MiL made some very disparaging remarks. The relationship to DH had been cool for a long time. There was no offer to help in the first months, and there was only one visit that felt like a duty visit.

when my mum came on a week‘s visit when DS was 6 months so I could work a contract, MiL managed a sniffy ‘I’m here too!’. I told her she was welcome to see DS at any time but we had got the impression she didn’t want to be involved. So she should think about the sort of relationship she wanted and we would work together to make it happen.

She phoned a week later. It turned out DS’ birth had brought up all sorts of memories of her own somewhat overbearing mother. She offered to do anything but made it clear she would not interfere as she felt her own mother had.

That very direct, frank approach led to her becoming a fabulous grandma. She has some health issues, but has always found a way to make her relationship with DS(9) work. When he was 5 she moved to our village. She does an afternoon after school. Jumps in on sick days. She used to take him on bus and train rides, now they read, bake, and play board games together. She‘ll have him overnight if we ask, and she makes an effort to keep up with his interests and recognise his friends. Sometimes she’ll ask if she can take him to the circus or just borrow him for an afternoon. It’s given her a new lease of life, helped the relationship with DH, and DS benefits hugely too.

This has roots doesn’t it? You need to think about what they might be and put it right.

Suggested reply:
Hi [MIL]
We're sorry that you've read more into the instagrm post than was intended.
[DM] has been a huge support with the children, which has gone well beyond that normally expected from a DGM and Cheddar felt it was important to acknowledge this. Cheddar would never want you or any other member of our family to feel criticised in comparison.
There has never been any expectation that you or any other family member would devote time to helping with our children. We are very grateful to [DM] for the time she has chosen to spend with us and, at the same time, we thought you were happy with the level of involvement you have had.
We would happily welcome you being more involved in DCs lives if that's something you would like to do. We would all love for you to visit and spend more time with them. Would you like to come on the [suitable date]?
With love and best wishes,
[DH]

This message makes it clear that your DM deserves the recognition you have given her and that, if your DMIL would like the same, she needs do something that she can be thanked for.

I doubt she will take you up on the offer but she also can't complain that she didn't have the same opportunity as your DM.

Your MIL sounds hard work and rather mean, only thing is you are broadcasting it by posting anything on social media and that makes it people's business... Does your SIL have kids? Maybe suggests what's going on with their dynamic, what reaction was she expecting? Did she want to rub her mum's face in it? And then her Mum feeling excluded or inadequate or unappreciated... I think you are doing what you can to involve your MIL and there's not much more you can do but maybe find more personal ways to show your appreciation of your Mum.

Be honest with her- say you are not involved, you don't make an effort to see my DC do you want me to make that public on Instagram? Don't take the children to see her-if she isn't interested in being involved that's fine, don't push it.
Talk to your husband about it- he's getting the push back, so you need to be on the same page.

She feels unappreciated? Id ask her outright what exactly she thinks she should be appreciated for....

Exactly this. I think you’re being very unreasonable about several things. Just because she manages to drive to a certain place with no issue it doesn’t mean that a similar length car journey is just as easy for her.
You should never have been so thoughtless as to post such a gushing post on social media highlighting you Mum and making her sound like a saint, I’m sure your MIL found that hurtful.
As for the phone calls, do you children ever phone your MIL? Maybe start with that.
i certainly don’t think it’s too late to rectify the situation and build some bridges but the effort needs to come from both sides.
Where does your husband stand in all this?

Her mil doesn’t have sm/instagram, and was shown the post by op’s sil. Op can post what she likes on Instagram of course, her choice. Just as it was mil’s choice not to visit, to only phone twice a year, to not reply to photos of the dc that op sent, not attend her gc’s birthday party, and to say that she had raised her own kids and wasn’t going to raise op’s.
Maybe read all the op’s posts?

Of course you SHOULD have made a post about your own mother. She sounds a lot like mine. Very uninterested

Oh so hilarious that the woman who is "done raising my kids, I'm not going to raise yours" frequently leaned on her own parents for child care 😂😂😂

It could be its the actual road.

An hour on country easy drive roads vs an hour of motorway way or an hour of stress driving across a city.

Might also be time of day, daytime is easier than evenings especially in winter dark nights.

Strongly agree, and this an undervalued perspective on this thread. There are many reasons that this MiL could seem more distant beyond ‘not putting in the effort’ - e.g. the influence of her childhood or background, depression, just generally finding it harder to open up a bond, illness, developing frailty. The take on the MiL seems very one dimensional and the idea that the value of a grandparent boils down to perceived effort is wrong.

Love this!

Well don’t bloody moan about it, it is what it is! They can’t thank her for nothing!
MIL relationships with other DIL says it all.

This sounds like my MIL. She has never had much time for my daughter. She has never been to our house and we have lived here for 12 years now, she do visit our old house once before DD was born. DH and I have been together for 20 years for context. she didn’t even come to see up in the hospital when DD was born and we were in for 4 days as her dog was feeling a bit poorly.

When DD was a baby we didn’t have a car but made the effort to go see her once a week, it involved a train ride and 10 minute uphill walk in all weathers with a pram. She drives. We did give up eventually as work schedules changed and it was hard to get a regular day to visit.

My BIL lives in another country and she will fly out to see them 2/3 times a year. When SIL had her kids she went to stay with them each time for a three weeks to help out. But coming to see up who live 15 minutes away is too far for her to travel ‘at her age’ as she puts it.

DD is now 16 and she barely knows her. it’s her loss. BILs 3 kids are much closer to her despite them living about 4000 miles away and she video calls them twice a week.

That should be BIL law had kids not SIL. Her daughter doesn’t have any children- just DH and his brother have children.

My MIL was like this. (RIP now and my kids are older.) My mum was not super-involved like yours and lived much further away but she was much more interested and involved than MIL.

MIL was very much "I've done my time" and showed hardly any interest except when she had a family friend or distant relative visiting and suddenly wanted to show off her grandchildren and would order us to turn up at an appointed day/time and blow her top if we were already busy. She was the same with our wedding, barely any interest and very dismissive ( "oh I don't know if I'll be able to come, I might book a holiday in July") then 2 weeks before threw a massive strop saying we'd "marginalised" her by not consulting her about the arrangements.

There's no winning with people like that. I think I'd just put the ball back in her court. Say sorry you feel like that, how would you like to be involved and what would you like to be acknowledged going forward?

Did you actually read all of OP’s posts?

Frail or not, depressed or not, it doesn’t change her complaining about effort she does not put in herself with her own son and grandchildren. It doesn’t change the impact that it has on her son and their relationship that he has to always put the effort in as does his wife and he gets next to nothing back.

He’s not happy with her text and few adult children would be if their own parents are only able to bring themselves to contact them is to complain about the efforts of someone else towards them instead of stepping up more. She obviously found the time and energy to text an unnecessary message about her feelings over something she was shown (since she doesn’t have SM and neither does her son, DH’s husband) and complain about how unappreciated she feels when she can’t even call or text and ask after her own grandchildren.

A lot of people publicly thank the ones who help them.
OPs mum has massively supported her throughout the year.
MIL chooses not to. OP hasn't discouraged her, MIL has been invited to the family home and says she can't drive that distance yet does drive that distance to visit someone else.

It's all on the MIL.

It wasn't thoughtless.
MIL doesn't even have Instagram so is SIL stirring the pot?
OP can gush about her mum as much as she likes - it's a free country (supposedly).
She has no obligation to put MIL feelings ahead of her own gratitude