MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

Saying why would usually be the most helpful.

His mother, his problem. It’s not up to you to curb your IG posts or not express appreciation for a wonderful mum just because MIL is a twat. She has a choice as to whether she makes and effort and chooses not to, her problem. I wouldn’t give it a second thought, post all you like about your mum and leave DH to deal with MIL.

And if I were DH, I wouldn’t bother replying to the text. She sounds like she is fishing for drama. Replying just fuels the fire for people like that.

Ok ..so you invite her to your home ?
How long is the drive and is it a tricky road to drive or navigate ?
I sort of understand the driving if she’s uncomfortable with that .
Could she get a train or bus to you , do you have room to have her stay a night or 2 ?
What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t maybe phone once a week .
Your own mum does sound like she does more than most other grandparents

I’m also terrified about having sons…

Op, do you have a boy? Have you thought about being a mother in law too one day?

She sounds sour and jealous and has really embarrassed herself with that nasty message,

I’d be inclined to ignore it but I get that DH needs to move things on so the ‘Of course we’d love you to see the children more - when can you come over?’ style reply is ideal.

Otherwise, ignore. She has chosen to seen her 7mo grandchild twice? And one of those occasions was when she insisted a newborn and postpartum mother was driven to her? This tells you everything you need to know about her priorities.

Does your DSiL have children and does MiL take an interest in them? It’s great you appreciate how much your mother does because it is a lot. But not all grandmothers are the same and, unless they are not very nice people, you can’t measure love in how much they see you or help you out. Some have lives that have moved on beyond raising young children and may not want to do it again. Not everyone is cut out for that.
Hopefully, as you’ve married her son, your MiL did a good job raising him.
It was passive aggressive to laud your mother’s hard work looking after your children and by default you. Your silence about your MIL speaks volumes.

honestly after reading your responses, I just wouldn’t engage. She is 100% about her and everything has to be on her terms, there is nothing positive to take from this relationship.

This.

put it back on her with a side order of “you don’t even have SM…”

I love how much you appreciate your mum and you wanted to share it publicly. Our daughter doesn’t appreciate us at all and yet we do everything you say your mum does so it makes my heart sing that you DO appreciate her . As for mother in law she’s probably feeling a bit bitter could your partner maybe speak to his mum ?

My MIL lived round the corner from me & my SIL. She would always have my SIL kids but never ours & on a rare occasion she’d have my daughter she cancelled saying my nephew was ill & she needed to help SIL to look after him. She was having her so I could go to work because my own mom couldn’t have her that day. I said could she not have my daughter as SIL doesn’t work & so nephew was already being looked after. She told me in no uncertain terms am not to make her choose as I won’t like the answer. I had to have the day off & my work wasn’t the most sympathetic when it came to sick days. She would spend less on bdays and Christmas’s on our children & whilst she would take my nephews out our kids where never so much as taken to a park. she always had my SIL kids & whilst I get the dynamics are different between sons & daughters i did feel resentful.

a few years ago SIL & mil have had a massive fall out & my SIL has gone NC with her & now I keep getting calls on her seeing the kids & doing things with them. We’ve moved away now & kids are 20 & 15 and just aren’t interested. So no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. MIL has made zero effort & your H should tell her the post wasn’t meant for her in anyway. You’re allowed to honour your mom in the same way she has a right to be a disinterested mom

I am a Nan in her early 60's. I do not have regular visits from my son and family. But, I make an effort to contact them, ( Yes, by text. we're not all tech useless) when a few weeks has gone by to arrange a family get together with the grandkids. I also babysit whenever I am asked and will have the GC overnight so they can have time to be a couple again. The only time I get contacted by them, is when they need my help. My DIL mother does nothing. However, my point is, the OP's MIL could easily contact them by phoning if necessary to maintain links. It sounds to me like the MIL wants praise for doing sweet FA. Its guilt fueling her offended reaction. Just tell her how can you praise her when she does nothing. Praise is earn't not routinely given just because of the title of Nan.

All this is in OP’s posts.

MIL drives to her sister who is the same amount of time from her son but doesn’t visit him.

MIL doesn’t even call her own son often and son calls her way more and he is hurt by his mother’s behaviour. MIL is also NC with her other son and refuses to consider his child her grandchild because she doesn’t like the mother of the grandchild.

MIL doesn’t even have SM and barely communicates with OP and her own son but only decides til she was shown OP’s post about her mum to then contact her son.

As pps have said, leave to her DH to sort who already thinks his mother is just causing unnecessary drama and his sister too
from the read of things.

You can't thank her for things she hasn't done.

Maybecall her bluff. Say "we'd love you to be more involved, you are always welcome. Let's get some dates in the diary now - when would you like to come?" You have 3 kids so it can't always be you going there.

"Cheddar's mum was going to babysit on X but we're happy for you to instead if that's ok."

"The kids really enjoy phone calls, X is usually a good time, does that suit you?"

No YANBU at all. My mum (RIP) and angel and now ex MIL the opposite of an angel were exactly the same. 25 years later hasn’t changed. Wonders why my DC have no time for her. Good for you acknowledging your DM

I could have written this myself (apart from the involvement of my own mum). You have done absolutely nothing wrong in posting on Instagram or showing your love and gratitude for your mum. It sounds like your MIL wants you to fit in around her needs too much. She could also be feeling a bit insecure in general and wants you to invite her / compliment her more. This is the experience I’ve had anyway. That said, it’s not your job to do that, you have young children and can’t prioritise her insecurity. You could just very warmly say ‘we would love you to visit and be more involved. Please let us know when you’re free to come down.’ Something like that she can’t really pick apart and it makes it clear the onus is on her.

That sounds like her husband’s job?

So MIL wants your praise for her involvement in your family but without having to involve herself? Like saying thank-you without anything to be thankful for?

I was thinking the exact same thing.

Blatant favourtism like this causes havoc in family relationships. Your MIL is reaping what she has sown, which is only fair. Of course a couple of teenagers are not suddenly going to be interested in someone who has shown no interest in them for 15/20 years.

Some posters just can't help making other people's posts all about themselves.
Many mothers of sons manage to navigate the relationships with their adult sons and their families very successfully. Others make no effort or are nasty to their DILs and then also want to complain about the inevitable results.

Are you always unkind?

You have done nothing wrong. Don't feel guilty about the Instagram post. It's your MiL who is in the wrong here,not you. If she wants Instagram posts like that about her she needs to step up!

Maybe your DH could tell her that's a cultural thing - your parents go out of their way to help and you go out of your way to show gratitude. It sounds as though she is a bit of a handful, NC with SIL - Bad omen ! In any case, not your problem to deal with her, it's his! He needs your support, he's in a tricky situation.

All these people that are criticising your relationship with your lovely mum AND her relationship with her GC are blowing my mind!
It is my pleasure and my privilege to spend time with my GC and if my time with them helps my DIL then all the better
You have nothing at all to feel bad about.
If she wanted a relationship with them, she would and that isn't really on either of you to try and force

Some people just don't get it. Life. They dont understand that if you want something, you have to make an effort to make it happen.

Instead they sit there bemoaning their lot.

In a way it's tragic. But to be aggressively accused of something you haven't done. That's not only not fair, but not terribly helpful at resolving her problem, because I bet you're now writing her off as a toxic narcissist. Or if you're not, others in this thread probably are.