MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

Exactly. You can't have it both ways.

No visit her grandchildren. Take them out. Video call them. Or accept that you don't really want to be included (as my GC other Nan has done and so, isn't included). How else do you build a relationship with a child?

Inviting a family member to family events is not ‘commanding someone’s time’.

You the MIL then ?

She ‘snapped back’ her reply. She might have been trying to make it light-hearted but your interpretation is of snapping. If your mum had replied the same wouldn’t you have just replied with a laughing emoji? I get that you’re close to your mum and everything she does is right but you are comparing two completely different people and Mil will never live up to your expectations unfortunately.

Maybe she felt excluded from the beginning and didnt feel particularly welcome so noe feels she cant suddenly become involved.

”i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done”

This is a bit odd wanting to do this. Presumably you can see why MIL is offended? Looks bad compared to your mum. Presumably there’s more to the story.

Probably best to save the public acknowledgements and OTT instagram posts. Lesson learned, I suppose.

Please ignore all the entitled MIL/boy muns here, you've done nothing wrong unless you have made it hard for her to get involved this is her doing, if driving is an issue she can call her son and say I'd love to see them can we meet can you drive us ect, she can text and ask how they are ect it's your husbands responsibility to involve her or her own responsibility. Not yours

What is an entitled MIL/ boy mum?

Did you miss the bit where mil wanted the op to drive to her house so she could meet the baby - within a week of op giving birth? And that mil can’t drive an hour to op’s house, or meet halfway, but drives the same distance every week to visit her sister?

I agree.

I’m going against the grain, but your relationship with your mum sounds very intense and I imagine the MIL feels it quite difficult to infiltrate the dynamic.

Honestly, I'd just shrug and let DH deal with it. It's his mum.

She gets what she gives.

Your mom is nearby and puts in a ton of time and effort with your kids.

Your MIL won't drive to yours when you have 2 kids, one very young. You've tried to involve her by sending pics with no response. You said she snapped at you when you made a remark about car seats in her new car and flat out told you she:s done raising kids and won't be raising yours. She's keeping a deliberate distance from yours because she doesn't want to do what your mom is doing. But she expects pats on the back on SM.

Her expectations are doomed to disappointment unless she actually, you know, does something.

Drop the rope and let your husband deal with her.

Your mom sounds lovely.

Thanking or praising one person for something they’ve done isn’t a suggestion that anyone else doesn’t deserve thanks or praise and I think it’s odd to jump to that conclusion. Even more so if it’s evident that the other person has really gone above and beyond the call of duty for the person who’s thanking them.

OP explained in her post that it is normal in their culture for grandparents to have this much involvement.

My own in-laws have the same level of involvement with their daughter and grandchildren and they’re British.

Saying that, MIL could meet them half way instead of expecting them to chase after her from what I read from OP’s posts.

I agree you need to make an effort as a grandparents, and you reap what you sow in many cases. She sounds like she wants the status without the effort. But I'm wondering if she feels almost like there's no point coming to your house because your dm would already be there. If your dm is in the house so often does she feel she would be sidelined if she visited. I realise she should have tried to build a relationship and it seems she wants a minimal relationship, but could she feel inadequate so has backed off. It sounds like your mum virtually lives at your house, and this has been the case since day one almost. Faced with that she may feel she can't compete and has backed off defensively, because even average contact by a gm would seem very low by comparison.

Well, in that case the MIl obviously has some issue with DIL. We can never know what that is. Maybe the MOL is a selfish, unfriendly person who wants everything her own way, or maybe the OP was someone she didnt take to when threy first met, or maybe it's a bit of difficulty on both sides. We'll never know.

OP wrote:

Yes, me and DH had this conversation this morning. MIL’s own parents had her 3 dcs (including dh) overnight twice a week to help PIL. They went to their maternal grandmothers house every day after school during primary years so MIL could work. But MIL’s MIL was very similar to her, very distant. Dh doesn’t even know his father’s parents, despite them both still being alive (though they’d be in their early 90s now). I think she must have forgotten all this. MIL has another son with a child, but MIL is NC with this son entirely and MIL has never met and refuses to acknowledge the child that is technically my dcs cousin. Dh’s brother and mother fell out because MIL didn’t like BILs girlfriend (mother of the other grandchild). This all makes MIL sound bad but she is a lovely woman in person, we get along just fine.

Well there must be some reason. Maybe she has undisclosed medical issues and doesnt like to be away from home for too long. Maybe she's a secret drinker. Who knows. It's obviously something. If she drives other places but not there then there must be something anout hoing THERE she doesnt like.

The way OP conducts her relationships with her own family members is none of the MIL’s concern. It’s OP husband’s and the MIL’s job to cultivate a positive dynamic with each other.

OP already says she does this distance of drive to go and see her sister all the time.

I must be in a serious minority - my MIL lives 30 miles away, can’t drive, but has managed to develop a brilliant relationship with my children regardless. My own parents live 2 miles down the road, both drive, and have never been interested - turned down invites to parties, for lunch, to join us for holidays. After years of trying, we gave up. They’re now apparently very confused that my teenage children don’t know them 🤷‍♀️ YANBU, OP.

Or she is one of those parents that expect their adult children to chase after them and accommodate them above their own wife and children.

She has called her own son twice while he has called her numerous times. She has been invited to their home and doesn’t come, or will even come half way if I recall one of OP’s post correctly. If she was as interested in her son and grandchildren and wanted to be involved as she says her actions would show that.

Ignore her. You can’t thank someone for something they haven’t done.
the wonan is emotionally unavailable to your kids. She’s selfish with her time.
She different to your mum and she just needs to accept that. End of.
do not feel bad about it and do not give her any of the drama and attention she is fishing for.
if you do, it will be one a never-ending cycle of how she gets recognition.

(my MIL is similar). She now just does her own posts declaring how wonderful she is as a grandmother despite not bothering with her grandchildren 🤣