MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

I hope your DH does an ‘I’m sorry you’re upset, what would you like me to post?’, call.

She needs to reflect that it’s his job to do soppy posts about her, and that his soppy posts can only reflect reality.

Ask her when she did a soppy post about him, or when she last did you a big favour… “Cheddar’s really appreciated her Mum’s support this year, with two small DCs. She’s helped us an awful lot and she wanted to thank her.”

YANBU to post on SM to thank your mum

Your MIL sounds like a knob. What stood out to me was expecting you to visit her when the kids were born. She is lucky you didn’t have more of a difficult birth. I had to miss a funeral after DC2 was born because I wasn’t fit enough to drive that far.

At the very most i would just get DH to respond with 1 sentence asking exactly how she would like to be more involved and put it back on her.

I have to agree with a PP though that your mum does also sound very excessive in her involvement.

you haven’t done anything wrong at all! It’s your life, no one should stop you from posting about your mum. If your MIL wants to get more involved then that’s between her and your partner, I wouldn’t get involved

Get your DH to reply, ‘It’s fantastic that you’d like to be more involved. You know you’re always welcome here. Why don’t you come over on Friday? You can take young Billy Bob to his swimming lesson with us, or maybe you want to come shopping for Mary’s birthday party on the 20th (I’m assuming you’re coming to that?)’ etc. etc.

I don't agree that you're mum is too involved, you obviously have a great relationship & it works.

The difference here is, your mum prioritises your children, your MIL does not.

MIl is not bothered about your children, only now she's been publicly shamed & the truth hurts.

Hahaaa good luck asking a woman to babysit who has snapped ‘I’m raised my kids and I’m done raising kids you raise yours’ at you!
i wouldn’t put myself out one bit- your mum deserved that insta post, id keep inviting your mil (or getting dh to actually) regularly and if she says no thats on her.

This is a good point. But I should also say, neither dh or MIL have social media - I could have done a soppy post about her BUT she doesn’t have sm to be able to read it or appreciate it so that really would be an empty gesture on my part!

This is the best way to respond imo

She sounds a bit silly but your mother seems overinvolved to me. I would find that quite suffocating.

Out of interest, how far away are you from her? And your mum from you?

I think YANBU at all.

That’s sort of our plan going forward, keep doing what we’re doing and appreciating my mum for all her help and continuing to invite PIL, and if they continue to turn us down then just get on with it.

Ignore her and carry on! Your mum sounds great and you’re very lucky x

Obviously the MIL is being unreasonable for complaining about the post. But I otherwise think you're being a bit harsh on her and your view is skewed because your mum is so heavily involved. Calling multiple times a day is a lot, that would drive me absolutely nuts.

It would be interesting to hear your husband's view. I can imagine him posting about being suffocated by a crazy MIL who is constantly demanding time with his children and multiple calls every single day etc. In terms of time spent with parents, I'd much rather have your MIL than his!

You couldn’t have done a soppy post though! Unless you know how to soppily say I have a wonderful mil, she regularly answers her phone when we call, at LEAST every couple of months and sometimes she even calls us, we are so lucky 😊😊 without making it sound like a massive sledge…. Because I don’t.

Whoa, read receipts aren’t exactly cutting edge technology, even for a 60 year old.

Well this is a great lever for DH to have a proper heart to heart with his DM about how he is feeling and her lack of effort

maybe he can get to the bottom of it. Maybe she is disinterested or she doesn’t feel comfortable, or wants to make sure she doesn’t say the wrong thing or is overstepping.

or maybe she doesn’t and she’s being unreasonable. But if she’s upset and causing a fuss about it. Then maybe she does want to be involved and there’s something that is being unsaid or unseen here.

unless she’s a rancid cow I wouldn’t assume bad faith straight off.

We are an hour from PIL. My parents moved house when they found out I was pregnant so that they could be more involved. So they are 10 mins away but this was a conscious decision made at great personal cost and sacrifice. I should say also, my parents aren’t British and come
from a culture where grandparents are much, much more involved than in the UK. For them culturally, there’s no question about it, they are there to help, this is their family, that’s just what you do. I get that often (I totally get not in all cases!) the level of involvement for grandparents in the uk isn’t quite as high, often through no fault of their own (like having to work longer in life etc, although MIL is retired). So yes, my mother does too much by British standards but by her personal standards she’s doing the normal amount. Dh and I have both acknowledged this cultural difference, and we have accepted but but it does seem MIL is a bit jealous and might perhaps prefer that my mother did a more “standard” level of care of my children - I do get that this situation is unusual. But I am so grateful for my
mum and have tried to be respectful of the fact that MIL just culturally does not feel the need to be as involved.

I agree, put it back on her in a "how would you like to be more involved" way. If she says she wants you to go to her more then a "sorry, that doesn't work for us" is all that's needed. If she asks for more calls or texts, then let her know they have to be reciprocated, not just going one way from you/DH to her. Would a family WhatsApp be better and likely to get more response than you messaging her direct?

Also, is she alone? No mention of a FIL and how involved he is or how keen to do any driving.

You and your mother sound like you're in a codependent relationship.
Calling several times a day isn't healthy.

Well yes, everything you've said points to a disinterested grandmother, and her outrage is unjustified. I know you said that she won't drive to you but will drive to (her?) Sister's, could it be that she is comfortable driving that route because she drives it regularly and has no motorways, for example? Is it more of a tricky drive to your house for a panicky driver? Just trying to think of why she is avoiding driving to you and thus missing out on events and being more resistant to invitations.

Yes, I agree. The fact that she’s upset dos at least show she does care, which is to her credit. She’s not a rancid cow. She’s just not very involved but wants to be told she is. Perhaps, like you say because she wants to be more involved. Perhaps this is all just a cry to be more involved. But I would really like it if she met us half way (literally!!!!!!).

You've done nothing wrong. Put the onus back on her as to how she wants to get more involved.

It’s normal in my mother’s culture. Dc asks to call her and I encourage. It’s a lovely thing.

just carry on. She’s entitled to her feelings. She can keep them. Let DH deal with her.