MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

Well then, perhaps her son should make a nice Instagram post about all the lovely things his mum did/does for him 😂

What did dh reply?

yanbu

In most of these cases your mother is most involved as you encourage that and you discourage your mil. So we’re only hearing your side and with the whole picture you’re probably being unreasonable. Why the public soppy post? Who are you trying to impress? Why not thank her personally? Why the need for an audience?

You have done nothing wrong. Leave this to DH to address and don’t waste your energy.

Do you invite her over? Do you send her photos ? What about the olders birthday, don’t you have a get together and invite her? Have you let her babysit ?

YANBU - particularly as you didn’t think it likely MIL would see it. Could you just respond with acknowledging she feels ‘left out’ and asking her in what ways she wants to be more involved/what does SHE want to do differently?

@Blasterplaster here’s the news you might have missed - millions of people use social media to highlight things they choose. There are many worrying things people choose to do but saying thank you to someone publicly is one of the lovely things about it. I am sure OPs mum appreciated the post which was the point if it.

At face value, you aren't being unreasonable at all. It sounds like a difficult relationship where MIL wants things on her terms (won't drive to you to visit) but then unable to reflect that it will impact on the relationship that she has with you all.

I would be interested to know what your husband said. Also interested to know what your SIL had to gain from showing her the Instagram post.

What you post on social media is none of your MIL business tbh.

I think its common that a woman’s own
mother is sometimes more involved with grandkids and day to day life (I know not always the case), it does sound like your mum is very helpful and it does sound like your MIL doesn’t make as much effort, however i think moaning about her calling to speak to the kids is a ridiculous they are 3 and 7 months.

In the nicest way, your mum sounds like she does too much (calling 3 times a day, why??) and MIL sounds like she doesn’t really bother at all!

Does she phone or text your DH, does he phone or text her ever?

Does he invite her to your house for occasions, is she included with things like birthdays etc, does she live far away?

Your DH needs to speak to your MIL about what you and he and your MIL are feeling if she is willing to make more of an effort great.

In the words of the Jam ‘what you give is what you get’. she needs to get more involved then

I have tried to message MIL updates on the kids to keep her involved but she either didn’t respond (choosing instead to message dh back and ignoring me) or will just answer “aww”. And that’ll be the end of it. I do try to involve her. When she was getting a new car I even joked “make sure it’s big enough to have car seats in the back!” And she snapped back “I’m done raising my kids, I’m not raising yours!”. I was simply suggesting she might have her grandchildren in the car with her sometimes, not that I wanted her to raise my kids. I get her personality is quite stand offish but you cannot be standoffish with her DIL and grandkids then demand attention from us.

And in answer to the question about the instagram post, I was trying to impress my mum. I acknowledge her privately and I chose to also acknowledge her publicly. She deserves it. It’s good to be grateful, it’s how I also want to raise my dc.

It’s not your responsibility to make your mil feel special that’s down to your dh. If he chooses not to she needs to think about why.

Did you even read the OP? The MIL has been invited over multiple times but doesn't want to go for whatever reason. What more could the OP do, drag her over by her hair? Her own son should be making the effort with his mum, not the daughter in law. There is enough to think about with young children without having to mansge the poltics and hurt feelings of grown ass grannies. And of course she's closer to her own mother.

He hasn’t yet. We were both so shocked by her message we agreed to wait until we are less emotional about it, so we can reply more calmly. Dh is very much of the opinion she’s just fishing for drama and doesn’t want to engage with it. He will reply, but we need to think about how we can respond without inflaming the situation.

You reap what you sow.

Tell her she can't even be bothered to drive over to see her grandkids, what does she expect?

Just tell her it’s not a competition and people choose to live life how they want and if she chooses to spend more time with dc, then she’s welcome. Then carry on.

If she has complained that she feels unappreciated, I'd ask her to explain what exactly you should appreciate.

If it was the other way round and your MIL provided all the help and support and saw a post from you thanking and praising your mum, she would have a point. As she does fuck all, she's being ridiculous.

These were my Qs aswell.
Youre probably NBU imo but you should be giving maximum invitations to her; and your DH is hardly mentioned.. is he encouraging her to be involved? He should be aswell.

We do try to involve her but her lack of willingness to drive makes it very difficult. She didn’t come to older dc’s 3rd birthday because she didn’t want to drive and we held it locally so all of dc’s little friends could come. I have sent photos but she either doesn’t respond (she is in her 60s so I get phone usage is different and perhaps she can’t see that I can see that she’s received the messages). She has stated in the past that she’s “done raising (her) kids” and won’t raise mine. We do try. But life is also very hectic and to a certain degree, I will acknowledge that because of her level of standoffishness I have perhaps not kept up trying to keep her involved just because if you get enough resistance with these things it’s easier to stop trying than to continue and make your life more difficult. I guess I kind of assumed the feeling was mutual.

Laugh incredulously to DH and don’t give it another thought.

I agree.

It’s easy for mothers of fathers to feel pushed out as usually the mums of young kids concentrate on their own family. She may not feel comfortable chatting away to a 3 and 7 month old on the phone, especially if she doesn’t see them all the time like your mum. I’m guessing your mum lives much closer to you so it’s been a lot easier to develop a closer relationship with them. Also the criticism on her driving - are they two exact same journeys, or is the one to her sister easier or one she has traveled for years so she is far more comfortable driving it as she gets older? Did you intentionally make your family home close to your parents? If so why was that your priority and why did his mum lose out?

You sound really hash OP. Your mum won’t be around forever and neither will your MIL. Your OH may feel pissed off that his family are being sidelined when they’re gone if you’re welcoming and prioritising yours and criticising his.

He obv needs to take responsibility too but if you’re the dominant force and teaming up with your mum it’s going to be harder for him to enable his mum to have equal time with your children. It’s not her fault her son won’t fight her corner and she has every right to see them as your own mother. If they both lives next door to you with the same amount of spare time that’s fair enough, but I can quite see how she’d feel more awkward and not want to push things, and that’s not going to change unless you and her son make more of an effort. You can’t complain that she’s annoying for feeling sad if you’re not more understanding of her situation.

Well I get that you want to thank.your Mum.However it was a little unwise really. Your Mum sounds very involved. More than average I think.Maybe DH could take her our and explain that if she wants to see more of DGC to babysit or come for a weekend maybe

Dh does try. After her message we went through his call history and in the past year, she has called us twice and dh has called her every other time. I really feel for dh because I can see how much it hurts him that his family isn’t as involved but I really can genuinely say it’s not for lack of trying.

I can’t stand gushy SM posts about private relationships and even I think YANBU!

She doesn’t want to be involved. But she doesn’t want other people to know that. FIL is similar. DD is now a teenager and interesting and really easy to get on with. He would like to have a relationship. But my parents, especially DF put in hours. Zoom calls, helping, sticking money in savings, putting up with toddler DD, who was neither interesting nor was she easy! She just knows my parents better. Late MIL put in the time and energy and would have been probably more involved than my parents. But she’s sadly no longer with us.

Just give her back an ‘awww’ and leave it at that.

@SomewhatAnnoyed How about you go back and re-read the OP?