MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

To be fair, I'm amazed your mother does so much and you let her or need it to that extent. I wonder of your MIL thinks you are taking advantage of her.

As a MIL, I'd have found your comment about making sure my new car was big enough for car seats assumptive and inappropriate. I'd like to hear from your MIL and I'm afraid as a woman in my mid 60s, who still works a professional job, I won't be raising my DIL's or DD's DC.

Help in emergencies, yes, giving my dd or DIL a break at weekends, absolutely not. Being a form of unpaid childcare, absolutely not.

How far is this drive? Is she still happy driving at night? Us oldies do develop issues with night vision which is worse on unfamiliar roads.

I can hardly believe what I'm reading, not the least the bone-headed "we're only hearing half the story..." Well duh. And the judgements of the OP's relationship with her mother. Looking at you @IwishIcouldconfess

Any action to remediate this is down to the DH. Quelle surprise.

If MIL doesn’t have social media, how did she see the post? Did someone send it to her?

It's often the case that the wife does her best to bring her own mother into the family circle while excluding, in various more or less subtle ways, the husband's mother, and the husband often does little to stop this, because his priority is keeping his wife happy.

It sounds to me like you and DH have very different mothers. Your DM does sound over invested with the amount of time she seems to spend at your house whilst DHs DM is the opposite. If you could combine the two, you’d have a perfect grandmother!

It's in the OP's first post.

YANBU and it’s time to nicely tell this woman some home truths about why she is where she is.

Ahh thank you, missed that bit!

Your DH should reply: "Hi Mum, sorry youre upset by this. Its not about competing, but your unwillingness to drive to us makes it tricky to involve you. How often are you hoping to be seeing us? Maybe you could call us more? It's always me calling you - but I'd be happy to hear from you if you called me."

It puts a lot of the responsibilities moving forward onto her. She has to say - I want to see you once a month AND then you can say, how do you expect that happens, can you drive to us please? You've asked her to call you and reminded her that its always you calling her - without being confrontational.

Yanbu!!!
If she’s anything like my MIL it’s nothing about her feelings of hurt and everything about the shame of being caught publicly for doing nothing and having no relationship with her grandkids. My ML tells everyone her grandchildren are her life which couldn’t be further from the truth. She’d hate this kind of thing because it wouldn’t fit her narrative

That’s sad you think that way about your own grandchildren! When I have my DGC overnight I don’t think of it as giving their parents a break, I think of it as spending quality time with my grandchildren. When I was little I lived staying at my grandmas house overnight, my DC loved staying at their grandparents too.

If she is allowed to. And clearly it can only be on OPs terms.

She's not bothered about seeing your kids. Her behaviour demonstrates that. She's bothered that you publicly acknowledged your mum and she thinks it makes her look bad. I'd carry in regardless. I'd still acknowledge your mum publicly if you want to. If she wants a soppy instta post she actually needs to see your kids and make memories wirh them. If she doesnt even acknowledge text messages that's never going to happen.

You can look at me and my comments all you want.
Calling someone several times a day isn't healthy.

I know lots of people do it, but I find it odd when people make these social media public declarations, especially when they're addressed to people they see all the time anyway. I'm not saying it's wrong - I just don't understand why they do it. It just seems boastful to me. Wouldn't a private message be nicer?

If she 'doesn't feel comfortable' on the phone and won't drive, this does actually mean the parents of very young children having to take on all the work of travel in order to try and facilitate a relationship the MIL isn't going to put herself out to have. That's what it comes down to. It is not at all harsh not to be prepared to take on that responsibility.

Agree

So you say. The OP and her DH appear to be content, which is what matters.

No, it's not her responsibility, but it might be a nice thing to do and help create a more positive, bonded extended family. But sure, if the wife thinks there's zero necessity for any kind of relationship with her husband's mother, then it's hardly surprising MIL feels excluded. Would you also say DH has no responsibility to build any kind of relationship with his wife's mother?

Same here

How do you get so much time. Does no-one work, go out, do activities?

All sounds very emneshed to me.

Does your mum not have a life?

You may feel that suffocating but the OP and her DM are clearly very close and it works for them.

I’d use it as a catalyst to try to improve things and then if she doesn’t take you up on it, you know you’ve tried. So your husband can reply to say that it would be lovely to have her more involved, what does she want to do etc and see what comes of it.

Have you read any of the OP's posts?

Mil is not elderly. She’s in her 60s. Many people still work at that age. She can drive but chooses not to drive to see her GC