MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

How the fuck is OP being harsh? Her MIL actually said to her “I’m done raising my kids, I’m not raising yours!”. MIL has made her position extremely clear. She is still invited to OP's home but refuses every invitation.

I wouldn't post gushing posts on social media about anyone, but OP is allowed to thank her mum who gives her family so much help and support and MIL has no grounds to complain as she has actively and deliberately refused to be an involved and loving grandparent.

Was your post written from "us" or from just you? You mention that you could have added that we appreciate MIL too, so I wonder.

If the post was gushing and from the perspective of "We appreciate my amazing mum, she does so much for us" , I can see why her nose is out of joint.

Either way, her problem should be with her son., not you.

OP's mum knows what she needs to do in order to be included in her grandchildren's lives.

I have a 3 and 1 yr old and a useless mil so you have my sympathy.

It is hard work at this age.

Key points for him to raise is this situation is thst overall this is of her own making

1. in the past year, she has called us twice, every other of the X times we spoke it was us making the effort.
2. She never visits you yet drives to her sisters every week, we are the same distance apart. If she made the same effort for her GC she'd be closer.
3. When his lovely wife took time out to send pictures she either responded to him (which is rude and doesnt acknowledfe your effort) or didnt respond at all or wrote something that is brief and unrespondable to "awww". If she wants involvement she needs to engage. "X looks lovely. Are her teeth still coming in?" / "that dress is cute wheres it from" / " the children are thriving you guys are doing a great job" / anything beyond heart emoji or awww.
4. Shes retired and has a lot .ore time so typically would be the one doing 60/40 as it is she does 20 to your 80. If she put in more effort she'd have the relati9nshop she wants.
5. The reality is his mil does do a huge amount to help this tricky period. Acknowledging that isnt wrong. She should be happy about the fact this woman is making her son and GCs lives better/easier / move filled with love - you cannot have enough people to love your child.

He really should have a heart to heart lay it out and discuss how she wants to change things to be closer.

Ps. Your mum sounds great and the relationship your describe between her and your kids would make my heart sing!!

Surely the grandparents being happy matters too though? I always think people who treat their parents as constant free childcare are shady.

Im glad she saw it. Your mil needs to sort herself out.

And your mum is your mum! Obviously youd do it about her.

Exactly and it’s quite clear op is happy with it.

Is that what the OP's mum does? Read the OP's first post.

So, presumably, when you become old and frail and require some practical help its perfectly ok for your children to then say they will only help you in a dire emergency and "won't be caring for you because we've already cared for our own children" because this works both ways....

Is this what she ‘needs’ to do? If so I don’t blame her for throwing in the towel. If she doesn’t lay herself down as a doormat she’s not doing what she ‘needs’ to do?

A woman who snarls that she’s “done raising (her) kids” and won’t raise OP's and because she “doesn’t like driving” only sees the children 2 or 3 times a year can hardly be surprised that she hardly has any role in her grandchildren's lives. Ignore all those suggestions about trying to get her more involved as she seems to have almost no interest in your children and appears a deeply unpleasant woman. I think your SIL who drew your MIL's attention to the post is also likely quite unpleasant herself.

She's made her choice

Recently I had to pull up my family on their involvement in dcs life despite living just as close as Pil who are amazing

Don't let people tell you that you should be putting in the leg work sending updates and photos

Doors go both ways is my moto

If she wants to be part of their lives and have posts made about her she is just as capable of making an effort and calling or messaging if the travel is too much.
My dgm, childrens dggm who is mid 90's can manage to email and asks for photos of them, can't manage to attach her own pics but that's fine.

You have Mothers on the opposite ends of involvement and extreme examples at both ends. Both magnify how each behaves. Without doubt the MIL is disinterested but getting the balance correct can be hard with grandchildren, I don’t have any but have observed my much older sisters grandchildren issues from the sidelines and seen the fallout.

Who said I wouldn't have them overnight? I'd love that but as part of a loving relationship, not as a contractual arrangement to provide childcare or breaks. If DD or DIL were ill, of course I'd have their DC, if it was for regular weekends away and date nights that would be a different matter.

We have one on the way, and I've always been clear with the DC that I shall not be an alternative form of childcare.

While I would argue with the use of "needs to do" by @Mapletree1985, it's the OP's mum she's referring, to, not the MIL.

Who said its not 'healthy' for 2 adults to call several times a day if they both want to?

Agree. The OP’s mother is staid to be doing what the ‘needs’ to do, implying that MIL ‘needs’ to act in a similar manner if she wants to be included.

Course it isn't healthy. Its suffocating.

Yanbu of course.
I think if I were your Dh I would respond with "I'm sorry mum, I had no idea you felt that way. I had the impression you weren't keen to be involved more, especially when you said you were done raising your kids. Please can you let me know what you have in mind if you'd like to be involved more?"

Then see what she says.

I think this is one of these times it's important for him to use I and not we.

For you, possibly. Everything about the OP's post says she's loves it, and her DH''s reactions say he has no objections either.

And if Mil did nice things for the family like her mother does then yes maybe she would

You obviously have a very hands-off approach to being a grandparent which obviously suits your family and you are still working.

OP and her mum come from a culture where the grandparents are very involved in the care of grandchildren so this is normal for them.

If one of your DILs posted on social media thanking her mother for all the help she gives with her grandchildren, would you still be upset and offended given that you wouldn't dream of providing hands-on care and support for your grandkids?

Agree. My mother lives a short drive away and we’d never use her for weekly childcare, but many of her friends are, and she tells me they felt they couldn't say no to the requests, but they fall out of the local community as a result - they are unable to join in the coffee mornings / walking groups / book clubs / Pilates etc which make up so much of the village life as they have toddlers in tow. They don’t get any say over when they go on holiday either. She said it’s very sad, and they see it as taking massive advantage.

To me it sounds like neither if them have actually cut the apron strings.

OP and her parents come from a different culture where this is healthy and normal for them.

I'm presuming that OP will probably provide hands-on elderly care for her parents when they need it.