MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

This is what makes me sad about having sons… and no daughters ☹️

I bet if you responded with “we had no idea you wanted more involvement, let’s talk about when you’d like to visit” she’d go quiet in no time…

As long as you don’t tell your DIL “I’m done raising kids, I’m not raising yours” (as this MIL did) I’m sure you’ll be fine…

Playing devil's advocate here it sounds like your relationship with your parents is so intertwined its difficult for MIL to know her place.

Some of DHs family have the same relationship with his mother and they see if as close but from an outsider looking in its over involved, not healthy and sometimes toxic. It also leaves dh and our kids on the sidelines because there is no space for others in a co dependant relationship. When 2 people have such aco dependant relationship it often leaves everyone else around unsure where they stand. This is definitely true if a mother and daughter have one.

Your MIL could do more to see her grandkids but equally I suspect she doesn't know where she fits in as your relationship with your mum is so codependent its almost unhealthy. Its really not normal for a grown woman with children to speak to there own mother that much or rely so much on her.

When I read grown adults post gushy posts on Facebook I almost groan inadvertently. There is just no need for them and someone reading them often is left feeling upset. In this case your MIL was. However your dh is the one who should be saying he loves his mum etc.

I suspect if asked your MIL would say my DIL is really close to her mum, always with her as are her kids and I am not really included in things.

You have mentioned cultural differences to possibly explain your MIL's very 'hands-off' approach to being a grandparent.

Are you and your parents from a different race to your DH and MIL? I was wondering whether there might be some racism involved in your MIL's indifference to your children and her lack of a close/loving relationship with them.

…….she includes herself so little in our lives……

So why not make more effort to actually include her then. Of course she’s different to your own mum whose reliable ways you know inside out but you have to make effort with MIL to make her feel she’s on the right track with you. And positively wanted and valued. It takes effort from you too!

Is the real story that you actually like the status quo….that is, you really enjoy your mum being with you and the dc but don’t give a second thought to MIL, not even when you are posting a massive (unnecessary) thank you to your mum on Instagram which really highlighted to MIL how sad a situation it is for her.

You shouldn’t be surprised that MIL eventually saw it. It’s hurtful to her and really quite cruel/thoughtless of you OP.

I think you could make more effort with MIL.
As it stands, no wonder she draws away from you.

Maybe send her a message saying, 'Aw, DH says you want to share some of the load with my mum! That's great! Let me know when you want the children!"

It is entirely the responsibility of your husband to facilitate and maintain relationships between them and the children. Refer her to him every single time. It is not your problem.

It is entirely normal that the mother of the children is closer to her own mother than anyone else, and that the maternal grandmother is more likely to have a greater role in the care of the children because of this mother/daughter relationship. Obviously there are exceptions!

I thought you were going to say they were 4 hours away! Why on earth won’t she drive? Have you pointed out to her that she never comes to you, and she would be welcome to visit whenever she pleases?

Are there no buses or trains?

What? Why does OP have to be the one making more effort with MIL? Surely this is between DH and MIL?

She doesn't need to. If the MIL wants a good r'ship with her grandkids, she needs to build one. The poster here doesn't need to stroke MIL ego to want her to be involved. You reap what you sew

This 100%

I’d love to hear your MIL’s side of the story. I feel sad for her and for potentially being in that position when my sons get married.

Op, do you have a son?

and DH didn't just reply "DW posted thanking her mum for all her support this year. What do you feel she hasn't acknowledged that you've done? I'll talk to her about it because it's not fair if your efforts are not equally acknowledged"
I wish he would, I'd love to hear the answer!

YANBU can’t have it both ways. It’s always the ones who make no effort that get the most offended.

On a seperate note, I can’t stand the excuse of ‘I don’t like driving’ but will happily drive where they want to go. I have a couple of friends (one close friend and one work colleague) who are like this. Will happily drive for 2 hours to London to see family or go to a concert, but if we go out for the day or for dinner somewhere locally suddenly they ‘don’t like driving’ and need a lift!

Share the load, she has 2 children, why is she so dependant on her mum?

My MIL is an angel, literally. My own mother is basically the same as the ops MIL. The issue isn't about having a son it daughter. Shit mums/absent grandparents come from both sides.

How can you build that relationship when you’re not invited? When the other ‘grandma’ gets invited over to help with the children?

Your poor DH OP!

Can you imagine the response on here to ‘I am pregnant and my MIL has decided to sell up and move within 10 minutes of us’…

Time for honest conversations with your children’s grandparents. Plan ahead, compromise.

Given the move by your parents and amount of contact and visits, perhaps your MIL is upset and feels pushed out. Her one harsh comment about the car seat is a defense. From the DC’s being born, given your parents move, your DH’s family really haven't had a chance.

Can you have much more balanced discussions to make this work. You and your DH listen to how she feels?
Plan ahead together as a positive in that conversation. How about offering a shared holiday with your MIL, rather than her driving to you?
Can you plan something regular but not onerous, say meeting half way once a month, or meeting each school holiday.

If there is a plan developed and agreed with her, then she makes excuses, that is on her.

We live away from our grandchildren, work full time too. The other set of grandparents are local, see the family every day, share trips, and lunches out, birthdays, sleep overs, occasional school drop off.

We have adjusted contact to include meeting in the school holidays and occasionally a joint day out or nights away. There isn't anything we can do to change the contact but would hate it if we were admonished for not doing enough.

YANBU. Not only is she not involved, she's not your mother, and she wouldn't even have seen the post if her daughter hadn't shown her (was she shit stirring?).

You're not obliged to cater to her feelings in everything you do. Tell your DH it's his job to manage her and that if she wants soppy Instagram posts he can decide whether or not he wants to post one to keep her happy.

Why would you even want to publicly show your appreciation on Instagram? I dont get it. I show my mum I appreciate her all the time through actual spoken words said directly to her. No one else needs to hear it, perhaps who do it for all the fake likes

This x 1000

Anyone who does this, unless they were ill or unable to physically get to the newborn’s address, is a selfish, awful person!

And knowing that the women drives to her own DD every week but can’t be arsed to arrange to get to see her son’s new baby, would colour my relationship with them forever!!

So fucking what. It's what the OP wants to do.

OP has tried to include her in their lives but her MIL isn't interested. She has actually said that she has raised her own children so will not be helping OP raise hers. MIL has made a conscious decision to be a completely hands-off grandparent, so she has no grounds to be upset about OP's post praising her mum for all her help.

Soery you're getting a bit of a jaed time on this thread. Im unsure why so many are supporting your MiL & suggesting YOU put yourself out more to keep her involved. I disagree. Im in a very similar situation, but it's my own mother who's absent & utterly crap. Shes lives 25 mins away & has seen my kids twice in 18 months , drops off xmas pressies (didnt actually visit, literally dropped on doorstep & left), didn't even message to ask if they'd had a nice xmas. I've done the sending pics, giving updates but it doesn't encourage her to build a r'ship so i'm done with it. You can lead a horse to water & all that.

I think the weight is entirely on her & in your situation, your MIL - if she wants a r'ship with her grandchildren - have one, show interest, put in the effort. Regardless of what your own mother does, it doesn't even matter - SHE needs to step up if she wants future credit.

People normally do share things like this for attention then complain when it gets negative attention. Somethings are best kept private this is one of these things.