My nanny got cosmetic surgery and can’t work

[Crispychillifriedbeef]

We live overseas and we have a full time nanny. She also does cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. This is normal for the culture here. Everyone has a housekeeper / nanny / driver. We pay her well and she’s part of the family, she’s been with us 18 months with no problems.

My husband works full time and I’m a writer and a part time student. We have a small child at school and a two year old who is at home but attends an educational setting part time. My husband and I go to lots of events so need evening cover.

Anyway, we have been in our home country for 3 weeks over Christmas and the nanny has had 3 weeks paid leave. She sends me a WhatsApp today saying “I’ve had cosmetic surgery done” with various photos. She is expecting to be off work for 3-4 weeks. We come back to the country tomorrow so we’re expecting to see her tomorrow.

AIBU to be annoyed? This was sprung on me at the last minute.

No wonder the NHS is going down the tubes if employees get paid sick leave for cosmetic surgery. That’s outrageous.

there are 2 things here

1. can you manage without her by re jigging things and not going to some functions etc? If not, you will need a temp and tell her the time off is unpaid (I suspect she will make a miraculous recovery - do you even have a doctors note or just her word?)

2. is it worth keeping her on at all?

in a lot of countries childcare options are very limited and having a nanny is considered the norm. I can see why motherhood is so devalued when people attitude to Nanny’s is the way it is

She does not need 3-4 weeks recovery for an eye lift, she’s taking the piss. I’ve had it done and I’d say a week needed max. And since it’s a choice she’s not sick and I wouldn’t be paying her

Appreciate it’s annoying. But surely your DH can cope with going to some evening functions on his own for a couple of weeks? Unless you are the Princess of Wales, I think you can get away with skipping a few. Most working parents have to manage these sorts of inconveniences. You are in an unusually privileged position for most British women (assuming you are British).

My ex is a diplomat and i’m sure you can be excused for 3-4wks. No not ideal, and she should have discussed it, but it’s not the end of the world, you can manage. I’d look for someone more reliable.

You're employing 1 member of staff to do the role of 3 (housekeeping/ cleaning & laundry are not part of a nanny's duties). So if you overwork her, she can do this.

Where we are, it’s common to employ one person to do nanny and housekeeping tasks. I refer to her as the nanny rather than saying “nanny who also does housekeeping and odd errands.”

Nanny or not, she is an employee and you can’t just ring up a few days before work and say you need it off to recover from cosmetic surgery 😂

Yes, doesn’t make it right. A mother would be hard pushed looking after her own children doing all the chores required. House keeper, nanny, driver. Madness.

I lived your life for many years. You are not unreasonable to be annoyed. However, domestic servants are not quite like other employees. They're in your home every day; mine lived in the same compound. You trust them to care for your precious children. If she has otherwise been a good nanny, then she's worth her weight in gold, so I'd find a workaround and keep her. But have a talk with her that this can't happen again or you'll be forced to replace her with someone more trustworthy.

I’d be very surprised if this is true, I am having an eye lift and using annual leave. I work in the NHS and would expect to be laughed at for thinking you could use sick leave for this purpose

OK, I will indulge this nonsense. How exactly did you work full time and cared for a toddler at the same time? I can't exactly lock the door and leave a 2 year old home alone. Even if I worked from home, my clients would not appreciate me giving legal advice while chasing a toddler.

Other than households with shift workers who can find opposite shifts, I can't see how 2 people can work full time with children.

Oh she doesn’t drive, we have a driver. 😝 (Of course I can hear you thinking)

I can assure you that she is adequately compensated and well looked after.

House stuff in the morning and nanny in the afternoon / evenings. If we have an evening thing she doesn’t start until after lunch. And we don’t have a huge house to traipse over, it’s a 4 bed apartment.

It’s not Dubai. No national of Dubai is working as a nanny.
In dubai the nanny’s are phillipino or African generally speaking. Some may have European nanny’s based on the family.

Nannies to babies don't do much housework/at all, of course. Nannies to older children who are also in school/nursery absolutely are expected to do some housework and cleaning. Otherwise you'd be paying someone to sit around for 4-6 hours of the day.

I know a lot of people in the UK don't have nannies or not past the age of 3 anyway, but some do and this is a normal setup in a house with older kids.

What will you do to cover her duties while she is away?

Could you get a temporary nanny for 4 weeks?

In my former job I felt dissatisfied. I could not have messaged my manager and said “I’ve had cosmetic surgery yesterday and I won’t be back for 3 weeks.” I would have been disciplined.

Fucking idiotic response.

How many parents use childcare in any form? Nurseries, childminders, grandparents, after school clubs, breakfast clubs, nannies? Millions. Millions of parents use childcare and rely on it to go out to work, base their ability to work around the childcare they have chosen to use. If any one of these suddenly closed then parents would struggle to work without any backup and would probably not have a job after a while.

So is the only option for parents, and let's be honest it would be mainly mothers, is to not work? Women should stay at home to look after their own children even if they don't want too because they shouldn't use childcare? No careers?

Most employers would not offer paid leave for cosmetic surgery. She’s elected to have surgery she’s not ill.

What a strange and slightly unhinged comment.

But interestingly as it’s relevant to your post, the FCDO mandates that staff or dependants requiring cancer treatment or major, elective surgery, return to the UK for NHS treatment. So if I do need cancer treatment like you hope I have to have, yes I will be returning to the UK. Those are the rules.

You need to get rid of her.

Its one thing to take time off without asking but to only tell you the day before is shocking and I know I would lose my job over it.

Any thread with the word “Nanny” drums up such hate. It’s so weird! They get paid the same as say a nursery worker but because people can’t get their heads around private Nannys they go all batshit about it. Obviously if people don’t pay their Nannie’s properly and bad conditions that different, but otherwise, they’re just doing a paid job.

In your position I’d say ok, and stop attending evening events until she comes back. The nanny is poor to spring 4 weeks leave on you without notice - that would scupper anyone’s plans, but it actually sounds like you’ll be able to manage, which makes it less catastrophic. If you could find a suitable replacement, perhaps that would be a good idea, to stop it happening again.