My nanny got cosmetic surgery and can’t work

[Crispychillifriedbeef]

We live overseas and we have a full time nanny. She also does cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. This is normal for the culture here. Everyone has a housekeeper / nanny / driver. We pay her well and she’s part of the family, she’s been with us 18 months with no problems.

My husband works full time and I’m a writer and a part time student. We have a small child at school and a two year old who is at home but attends an educational setting part time. My husband and I go to lots of events so need evening cover.

Anyway, we have been in our home country for 3 weeks over Christmas and the nanny has had 3 weeks paid leave. She sends me a WhatsApp today saying “I’ve had cosmetic surgery done” with various photos. She is expecting to be off work for 3-4 weeks. We come back to the country tomorrow so we’re expecting to see her tomorrow.

AIBU to be annoyed? This was sprung on me at the last minute.

I won’t pretend to know the exact specifics but I believe it’s due to how much hosting the diplomat does. An ambassador may be entitled to the above. A lot of policy has changed recently to reduce costs.

We aren’t “provided” with staff. Salaries for staff come out of pay. Maybe other countries have different policies.

Accommodation is provided as part of the package.

I do not consider my nanny a servant. Nobody here says that. She’s a professional working in my home.

Just like our cleaner in the UK wasn’t a servant.

This thread is bonkers.

OP your nanny was pushing the boundaries and you rightly called it out.

If i posted on here that I had got some cash at xmas, had been able to book some last minute cosmetic surgery, and AIBU to expect my employer to cover 4 weeks paid leave to recuperate (that was outside my terms of employment), then i would fully expect to be roundly told i was being unreasonable.

The narrative of working parents who use nannies “not raising their own children” is so boring. My partner and I both work full time and have used after school nannies to get by and are currently using after school clubs. We have close relationships with our happy kids and we are also earning and spending and saving and paying a lot of tax. Nothing to apologise for here, so kindly jog on, to the posters spouting that crap.

This thread has certainly brought the bonkers ones to the surface. Deleted highlights include: “if you get cancer you’ll be going back to the UK to get chemo” (I mean that’s unhinged clearly)

and

“I hope your nanny outs you to the Daily Mail and then I’ll be laughing.”

I can only conclude that there a lot of disturbed individuals out there making up stories in their heads.

I am so confused as to how people have made OP the bad guy, her nanny wants to leave them in the lurch for 3 weeks instead of communicating.

There is NOWHERE that says they treat their nanny poorly and to imply that all nannies are slaves is fucking offensive to nannies.

There is no difference using a nanny then using wraparound childcare, nurseries or childminders. It is in fact, due to flexibility, in many situations a better and in some, a more affordable option then the childcare MN seems to think is ok rather then the pathetic snobbery over nannies.

and this bullshit I know you won't want to hear this but I think it's disgraceful that you make her do all of those chores as well as looking after the children. Looking after children and cooking for them should be all she does as a nanny! is crap. Do you know the agreement between the OP and her nanny? because I do all of these tasks and charge £27ph for it, I don't need your sympathy and im sure nor does she. Stop trying to save nannies from their employers, we do not need saving, we work fucking hard and most of its are good at our jobs.

And I've worked for 4 diplomat families. Only one had their accommodation, nanny and cleaner paid for. The others did not, so that a huge assumption.

They were all respectful and treated any of their "staff" extremely well and with the respect we deserved. Honestly, some of you need to wind your judgmental unpleasant necks in

I'm fascinated by the claim "This is normal for the culture here. Everyone has a housekeeper / nanny / driver."

Everyone?

I'll accept nannies only for those with children.

So the nanny also has a housekeeper, and driver? The housekeeper has a housekeeper? The driver's driver has a driver and so on?

Or, when you say "Everyone" does that actually mean all the white people? Or all the rich people? The actual staff are presumably not counted as actual people in the mental gymnastics of "Everyone has a housekeeper etc".

Alternatively, genuinely, every single person genuinely has a nanny and housekeeper, in which case, no problem, the nanny's nanny can surely step in, don't know what all the fuss is about.

By “everyone”, I was obviously referring to it being common and culturally normal among urban households here — not that every single human being employs three layers of staff in some infinite loop.

Combined childcare/household roles are standard locally, across families of different backgrounds, and aren’t unusual or remarkable in the way they might be in the UK.

My point was about norms, not absolutes, and certainly not about erasing the fact that staff are people in their own right.

FGS!

There should be a new joiners test for Mumsnet: if you arent capable of taking an OPs words in the spirit or context of their post or allowing for some generalisation, then its not the forum for you.

And if you had RTFT you would have noted that the OP had already updated her reference to “everyone”.

Obvious to you maybe. Looks pretty oblivious to a lot of people.

I am sure one of the locals will sort you out soon.

No it's not the norm but you can't ring up the nanny agency and ask for a replacement at short notice. To a lot of people that is not normal. What background checks do they have if any?

Please do.

And ignore all the idiots on here.

I’ve had a bunch of comments about employing a nanny to look after my kids to allow me to work and it’s usually from people who think it’s fine to put a kid in nursery where they are looked after by a revolving chain of adults on minimum wage and that’s somehow better for the child and the employees than having a consistent relationship with a nanny on £50k a year + benefits. Kids happy, nanny happy, i’m happy because I can work without guilt. Kids get to see mum having a career.

It’s fine.

What is that meant to mean?

I’m not going to reveal what security checks are done on a public forum.

Tell her this is not viable as an alternative this was a planned cosmetic procedure and you have no childcare with her - your agreement is with her.

Her solution is that her cousin who is employed part time can work in the mornings. I don’t know her cousin and I need help mainly in the afternoon / evenings. This was after I expressed some displeasure.

That was your response. No mention of criminal record checks you're posting to parents. Do you not understand why you are getting the responses you are getting?

Well seeing as 13% of people disagree with me no, I do not understand. There are a small number of people arguing semantics and made up scenarios from their own heads and prejudices.

You can be reassured that the wider world outside of UK and Mumsnet is functioning perfectly well without you worrying about criminal record checks on nannies. Other countries are capable of doing safeguarding. The specifics of which do not concern people who do not need to know.

I think that’s a really good idea

Now I know you can't be serious.

This thread is classic mumsnet:

OP: I have this problem.

Mumsnet: Well it’s not a problem. Why do you have the problem anyway? Where do you live? What’s your middle name? What’s your shoe size? What are the dates of birth of your children? What is your favourite colour? Why do you even like colours anyway, LOSER.

Jesus wept people.

But the criminal checks are a red herring as having the cousin providing cover was never a viable option.

To be fair all the criminal checks in the world I wouldn’t leave my kids with a stranger, sure you wouldn’t either.

It's the insularity, ignorance and half-baked ideas of what living in other countries and cultures involved, that is really weird on this thread. There are a ridiculous number of posters who think that either other countries should operate exactly like ours, or that expats employing household staff in other countries = slavery.

Leaping straight to Dubai and modern day slavery or assuming an equivalent to sex work is insane.

Then there are those who think that OP is taking advantage of her nanny by having her do housekeeping. OP has made it perfectly clear that the children are at nursery or school for a large chunk of the day (when the nanny does the domestic stuff) and the nannying is done in the late afternoon and evening. It's not like she's wrangling small children and domestic chores at the same time.

Sounds like a reasonable outcome. Holiday or unpaid leave, up to her and she has opted to return sooner rather than later. Plus you have set a boundary that as her employer she is expected to give you reasonable notice of a planned absence. If she was in the USA she could simply be fired without cause, can't speak for the local labour laws where you are but the USA sounds horrendous from an employee perspective.

Elective surgery of this nature would rarely be considered "sick leave" in most companies.

It does sound like you need to update your terms and conditions to include a notice period for booking leave of over 2 weeks and elective surgery is unpaid sick leave unless otherwise agreed [you might take a different view if she broke her nose falling over one of the kids]

It's the culture of how they are as a community. My next door neighbour left their 2 year old with me and I only just met them. I didn't know nothing about their child what she likes to eat or drink. I didn't know what allergies she had they literally dumped her on me and I had to wait for them to knock the door. They don't eat pork can you imagine how I would feel if I offered her sausage. Some people don't business who looks after their child because it's all about earning money.