MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

[Needanewoneforthis]

Some information has recently come to light about my husband (cheating, sex workers) that stretches back years. We’ve been together 20 years, married 12 years and started having children 11 years ago. Unsure when he started all this, but at the very least when youngest DC was a toddler and possibly when I was going through cancer treatment; also when my dad was dying.
When I found out and kicked him out (mid December) I knew the only place he had to go was his parents. I called his mum and told her what had happened. He was sat in the room with me and never said a word.
She cried, she apologised, she would never in a million years ever expect that of him, when she saw him she’d strangle him.
In hindsight I was probably partly calling her to get him in trouble, but my main intention had been to give her the truth so he couldn’t turn up at their house and give a bull shit version/ lie about the situation.
STBXH came back here Christmas Eve and has been here ever since until DC go back to school (it’s been hell and I don’t know how I’ve done it, I can barely look at him - all for the kids having a last good Christmas in this house as a family).
He said when he was at his parents they barely spoke to him and he spent most of his time there in another room. He said he didn’t know whether they weren’t speaking to him because they were so angry with him or whether they just wanted to avoid speaking about what had happened for whatever reason.

Anyway, my AIBU is am I right to be pissed off that I’ve not heard a whisper from PIL? Well MIL really as she’s the only one I ever speak to.

I get she’s his mum etc, but after I poured my heart out to her over the phone and she agreed he was an absolute twat, not even a text since to say hope you’re OK or a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year. Isn’t that odd?
MIL FaceTimed STBXH Christmas Day to speak to DC but that’s it. He says he’s not heard from either of them since.

STBXH was caught mid last year having done something horribly deceitful that hurt me (not cheating) and he was in contact with my mum, who was checking in on him to see he was OK because she was worried about him, despite being angry and disappointed with what he’d done.

She must be embarrassed, but yes, poor behaviour.

Be in no doubt that he will have cried on her shoulder and told her no end of crap about you and your historical unreasonable behaviours, even if totally irrelevant and minor. Best to be aware that this will have now been blurred into a “there’s two sides to every story..” break up in their eyes. Disappointing and sad but that’s what will have happened and it’s best to accept that of the “two sides” his is the one she came down on.

She's his mum, not matter how badly he's behaved she will find it hard to take sides. Probably in a degree of shock too and the fact that you are splitting up, we know some women would turn a blind eye but you quite rightly haven't.
You and her both need space to process what has happened.
You mum being worried about him I don't get though even though she knows 🤔

Could she be wondering if you're planning to take him back?? If so she won't want to stir any pots. I understand you aren't but it's pretty extraordinary to allow him back in the house after what he's done, so she may be unsure as to what is going on if you haven't told her.

She also maybe in shock.

I hope he's leaving today, in which case find a pretext to call her re seeing the kids so she knows what's going on.

She is probably really embarrassed. It’s a bit of a shame to blame her when she’s not the one who has done this. I think you should keep your anger to the person who did this to you, poor MIL can never seem to win.

When a marriage ends, parents don't stay in contact with the ex spouse. Her contact with your kids will be through her disgusting son.
Her texting you would be pretty awkward.
@theunbreakablecleopatrajones neither person in a marriage gets to not allow the spouse to live in the marital home.

If you threw him out mid December and he arrived back at your on Christmas Eve and is still there, he wasn't away for too long. Did she not speak to the children over Christmas?

I agree with the above poster, she is probably in shock/embarrassed, doesn't know what to say or if you want to speak to her. All of which is understandable but she yes I agree, she should have picked up the phone or at least text you to ask if she can ring you?

She probably doesn't know how to navigate the mess your husband has created, so she's keeping silent. It's hurtful that she hasn't reached out but it's likely your relationship won't be the same going forward.

Time will tell what her silence has been about but I don't blame you for being upset right now. I would recommend not considering her as a potential source of emotional support though.

If I were her, I’d be treading very carefully. She’s probably trying to give you both a lot of space to decide what the next steps will be, especially if he came back for Christmas and it’s all been quiet since. It doesn’t mean she isn’t concerned/embarrassed/furious/sympathetic.

She is probably trying to stay out of things, she knows her son is a cheating dick but is still his mother.
I guess a message to check you're OK wouldnt hurt though

She’s his mum…..what do you want her to say🤷‍♀️
she’s shouldn’t be expecting her to be apologising ….she hasn’t done anything wrong…..if you separate then I wouldn’t expect you and her to keep in touch….she will see the kids when it’s his turn for contact

She might be pissed off he’s been handed back to her and has been enjoying the time without him in the house

Yes I wondered whether she thought that too, because I agree it’s abnormal to have a cheating spouse back in the house. Believe me it’s only because it’s been Christmas though, and it’s been torturous. He’ll be gone again tomorrow.
But if she does think we’re giving it another ago or whatever, would she not want to make sure she maintains a relationship with me?
I’m not expecting phone calls where she’s telling me he’s evil and I’m a saint, but at least a Christmas Day text to say thanks for the gifts, hope you’re OK, or whatever. But literally nothing.
He’s the villain in all this I know, not MIL, but I’m just a little put out I guess. I’m still the mother of her grandkids and she’s known me 20 years.

She may be mortified and doesnt know what to say

Have you reached out to her?

This is the issue - she'll be seeing the grandkids on his time with them in future. If she tells him he's disgusting, she's not speaking to him in the way you are sort of hoping for, that's her access to grandkids potentially cut off. Plus as others have said, she is probably very unsure how to approach it at the moment and is playing it safe by saying nothing. She's not the one to be angry with.

She hasn’t contacted her son either. She is probably keeping out of it until she knows what is happening. Is he moving back to hers?

MIL kept in touch with BIL’s wife when he cheated on her, they did get back together again for a few years before he did the dirty on her again. MIL kept in touch with her until the ex DIL moved on into another serious relationship and pretty much cut ties with all BIL family (no children involved)

You are being ridiculous. Of course she is not going to support you in the upcoming divorce from her son. Look elsewhere for support from your own family and friends.

Also to add I’m the only one who has facilitated a relationship between DC and ILs… I’m not sure they know that it’s all me and that STBXH put in literally no effort at all, but they certainly know that I’m the only one who has picked up when they’ve called over the last 10 years - they used to call STBXH first and when he didn’t answer, call me instead to speak to DC, but for years they just call me first as they know he’s unlikely to answer. They know it’s my phone number calling them or FaceTiming them for DC to speak to them, not their son’s.

She is probably embarrassed, she may also feel some responsibility as his mum and think that you don't want a relationship with her. You should reach out to her if you want a relationship.

I haven’t said that though have I? Just said a text reaching out to see I’m OK or even to say happy Christmas or NY might have been nice. Haven’t and wouldn’t expect anything more.
Even to check on DC as a get in if she feels awkward mentioning anything else.

Stating the obvious but this is a situation your husband has created. I’d try to avoid displacing your anger at him onto his mother.

Impossible situation for her and she’s being wise to stay out of it at least until there’s more clarity around what’s going to happen longer term.

OP, of course its hurtful but don't get bogged down with it.
Focus on divorcing that scum and get an STI test for yourself.

YABU and it’s such a misogynistic attitude.

She has been more than supportive - crying on the phone, saying she wanted to strangle him, allowing her son to live back at home, barely speaking to him etc.

She literally couldn’t do anymore to show her support and you’ve still got an issue with her.

Poor woman, this isn’t even her relationship but somehow she’s getting dragged into it.

Leave her alone.
She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place - not only would you end up slagging her son off which is uncomfortable for her after a while but you’ve also now got him back in the family home - what is she meant to say exactly.

The only person in this that should have any blame is exDH, no one else.

This is going to turn into a throwaway username.

My H cheated and he moved out. We eventually decided we would start again, but during our separation, his mum welcomed the OW into her home. She cut me and her grandchildren off completely. I still cannot forgive her for supporting him while ignoring her supposedly adored grandkids. He went for counselling and did/does everything I need from him to feel secure. She has never even said a word about it.

His own dad left his mum for an OW and his grandad had done the same. I only found out last week that MIL had been on OW and my husband's dad was still with his first wife when he was born. With role models like this, my husband didn't have much chance. And suddenly, a lot of things made a lot more sense. All his experience growing up was that instead of discussing and working through problems, just fuck off and fuck someone else.