MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

[Needanewoneforthis]

Some information has recently come to light about my husband (cheating, sex workers) that stretches back years. We’ve been together 20 years, married 12 years and started having children 11 years ago. Unsure when he started all this, but at the very least when youngest DC was a toddler and possibly when I was going through cancer treatment; also when my dad was dying.
When I found out and kicked him out (mid December) I knew the only place he had to go was his parents. I called his mum and told her what had happened. He was sat in the room with me and never said a word.
She cried, she apologised, she would never in a million years ever expect that of him, when she saw him she’d strangle him.
In hindsight I was probably partly calling her to get him in trouble, but my main intention had been to give her the truth so he couldn’t turn up at their house and give a bull shit version/ lie about the situation.
STBXH came back here Christmas Eve and has been here ever since until DC go back to school (it’s been hell and I don’t know how I’ve done it, I can barely look at him - all for the kids having a last good Christmas in this house as a family).
He said when he was at his parents they barely spoke to him and he spent most of his time there in another room. He said he didn’t know whether they weren’t speaking to him because they were so angry with him or whether they just wanted to avoid speaking about what had happened for whatever reason.

Anyway, my AIBU is am I right to be pissed off that I’ve not heard a whisper from PIL? Well MIL really as she’s the only one I ever speak to.

I get she’s his mum etc, but after I poured my heart out to her over the phone and she agreed he was an absolute twat, not even a text since to say hope you’re OK or a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year. Isn’t that odd?
MIL FaceTimed STBXH Christmas Day to speak to DC but that’s it. He says he’s not heard from either of them since.

STBXH was caught mid last year having done something horribly deceitful that hurt me (not cheating) and he was in contact with my mum, who was checking in on him to see he was OK because she was worried about him, despite being angry and disappointed with what he’d done.

If I was the MIL I would be very confused over your playing happy families over Christmas. For all she knows you’re taking him back. For all you know he’s told her he’s moved back in and will smooth things over/win you back. I wouldn’t want to get involved st all.

I’m another one who thinks that she’s probably keeping silent because she thinks you are possibly working things out and getting back together. He has now been back home for ten days so it’s not unreasonable thinking.

I don’t know how old your kids are but sometimes ripping off the bandaid is the best way and I personally think by Boxing Day night he should have been gone.

Get rid of him today!

While nowhere near the same, there was a thread on here from a lady going through bereavement saying how insensitive she found it to get happy Christmas / happy new year texts as obviously it’s not an happy time for her so could it be something similar?

Maybe MIL didn’t wish you a happy Christmas as obviously it wasn’t with your cheating ExH in the house and it’s probably not going to be a happy new year either with divorce looming etc?

As for just checking in on you in general, I’m assuming that will come after your ExH goes back to his parents, I agree with others that she’s probably keeping quiet right now and backed right off thinking maybe you’re working it out as he’s been back quite some time which is strange.

I wouldn't expect them to necessarily continue a relationship directly with you after a formal split-up - as PPs have noted, whatever happened in the past your ex should be facilitating the relationship between his children and his parents from now on. But I also would have been confused about his essentially moving back in (not having a go, but it seems risky to give the children false hope of a reconciliation) so re the Christmas gifts - which seems the only place where MIL (AND PIL) really should have contacted you even if just a note/email to acknowledge receipt - are you sure they haven't conveyed their thanks through their son, expecting he'd pass it on to you? Or through the children, if they're old enough?

Sadly whatever they feel about the behaviour it is still their son and there is an element of feeling disloyal if they are talking to you and seeing the kids whilst not speaking to him. ALso makes it easier for them to live with etc.

If you want to fix it phone em up and ask them over to see the kids. If you don't then don't do anything they walk their own path

If it helps, when me and my husband split up just before christmas years ago, he stayed until after christmas and it was the hardest thing i’ve done, when the usual phone call took place, the same happened, they too were disgusted with him, but is their son, we lived separately for a while, his mum kept in touch sporadically, during which i gave her a few home truths (we lived miles apart and she thought it was my fault we didn’t visit as much as we should have) long story short we got back together, and his mum and i have a brilliant relationship, better than before because of what i’d said, and we were closer, she opened up a lot, during one of these heart to hearts, i told her how hurt i was that she never rang to just talk to me and ask how i was when we separated, and in particular spoke to me that xmas, she confided that she couldn’t as she knew i was devastated, and her son had caused it, i said but to me it felt like you had already excluded me from your family, she was gutted i’d felt like that, and i then too understood her reason. Maybe it’s similar. Maybe if u get the chance, tell her how you feel. Good luck for your future, I hope you find happiness and peace soon xx

Most people are cowards and don't step up when wrong things happen. That's pretty evident if we look around. (Took me a long time to accept it though).

I think actually not asking how someone is just comes across as not caring. To just say ‘I’m not getting involved’ is cowardly. You don’t have to be involved to ask how someone is, if they’re ok, do you need help.

I had days I could barely drag myself out of bed I was so depressed and non functioning. The most I managed was to feed my DC. It would have been lovely if my in laws gave a shit, but they didn’t. My family don’t live near me so they were all I had. To find that people you’ve had a relationship with for years don’t care is really hurtful.

Why would you say Happy Christmas or Happy New Year to someone who has just had their world turned upside down? That would be very crass. It's still early days, and you've had him back in the family home for a week or so. Give her some time. She's probably extremely embarrassed or angry or both. She too needs to come to terms with the situation and the consequences.

I think she must be embarrassed and also waiting to see what comes over the next few weeks.
People handle things in different and surprising ways. When we've had family members and my partners experience too, when got cancer people who normally speak to would cross the road to avoid them. I get it OP, it hurts.

No matter what's happened with the parents, she still has a GC.

Just wait it out would be my advice. If she doesn't have much contact or doesn't want to, just keep your door open for when she figures things out and I hope she doesn't leave it too long and keep upsetting you.

@Needanewoneforthis my friend was in a similar scenario, her partner cheated with escorts plus various affairs and domestic violence plus other crimes. His mother still welcomes him in. I dont think you can expect a mother to take sides. You're very lucky if she does take your side.

She’s his mum. You’d be best unloading on other people.

I don’t think it’s about taking sides. It’s about still seeing if someone is ok when the bottom has dropped out of their world, and if they don’t do that, then that says more about them than you.

I’ve cut my MIL out my life since she blamed me for my DH’s affair, and now she apparently misses our relationship. Well, too bad.

Leave her out of it. It's not her place to get involved in your marriage. I'm assuming he's not involving your family.

I think you need to accept that this is how it is.

When you've split for good and hasn't seen her grandkids in months, she'll remember you and blame you for lack of contact and continue to expect you to facilitate things.

You are not her daughter.

She doesn't love or care for you.

You are a vessel for her grandkids, always have been. Her loyalty is to her son first, clearly.

I don't think she's right and if she were more intelligent, she would reach out for the sake of the grandkids but she takes you for granted and she's too dumb and embarrassed to look to the future. She's probably hoping you'll take him back anyway.

Your DH was cheating with sex workers and you're spending Christmas with him, but it's your MIL's behaviour you are complaining about! How about FIL, or is it only her responsibility to keep in touch? Your DH is to blame for all this shit. No one else.

Can the FIL not read or write either? He seems to get off scot free for not being in touch unlike the MIL.

He was in contact with my mum, who was checking in on him to see he was OK because she was worried about him, despite being angry and disappointed with what he’d done.

Is your dad around? Was he checking in on DH as well?

@Needanewoneforthis

My stbxDiL cheated on my son. Her parents were wonderful to DS when this happened. Concerned, kind, and condemned her completely. At first he appreciated it but after a while he realized that he couldn't move forward with them still a part of his life. He explained and kindly asked them not to contact him (no children involved, thank God). They were hurt I'm sure but didn't argue with him. They said he would always be in their hearts and hoped he'd find happiness again.

Perhaps your MiL feels that you might not want to hear from or maintain a relationship with the mother of the man who broke your heart. That it might stop you from healing. If you do, then there's nothing wrong with telling her that you'd still like her to be a part of your life.

In all honesty if I were your MIL I would not initiate contact. I would stay the hell out and let the two of you work out your separation between two adults. Once things are sorted one way or another I'd get back in touch to re-establish the relationship particularly re grandchildren.

Well, there's a thread on here where a woman is being told to support her son who cheated on long-term girlfriend in his mother's house, otherwise she's a bad mother. Women can't win.

She was never your family. Your support must be found elsewhere.

I mean to some extent she must be the Dr Frankenstein in this situation. How tf do you end up with a son like that? Also I can’t understand how you had him in over Xmas. He sounds like a fucking scumbag op and not careful of the kids’ environment either. You’re saintlier than me.

Your mil is ashamed and embarrassed. She’s keeping a distance. She spoke with your dc, which will be her priority when your ex leaves. It’s probably all a bit too much for her too. Give her time for the dust to settle, she probably thinks you don’t want speak to her. She doesn’t want to get involved as she wants to see her gc and doesn’t want to upset you.
You just need to concentrate on you and the dc, everyone else can look after themselves.