MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

[Needanewoneforthis]

Some information has recently come to light about my husband (cheating, sex workers) that stretches back years. We’ve been together 20 years, married 12 years and started having children 11 years ago. Unsure when he started all this, but at the very least when youngest DC was a toddler and possibly when I was going through cancer treatment; also when my dad was dying.
When I found out and kicked him out (mid December) I knew the only place he had to go was his parents. I called his mum and told her what had happened. He was sat in the room with me and never said a word.
She cried, she apologised, she would never in a million years ever expect that of him, when she saw him she’d strangle him.
In hindsight I was probably partly calling her to get him in trouble, but my main intention had been to give her the truth so he couldn’t turn up at their house and give a bull shit version/ lie about the situation.
STBXH came back here Christmas Eve and has been here ever since until DC go back to school (it’s been hell and I don’t know how I’ve done it, I can barely look at him - all for the kids having a last good Christmas in this house as a family).
He said when he was at his parents they barely spoke to him and he spent most of his time there in another room. He said he didn’t know whether they weren’t speaking to him because they were so angry with him or whether they just wanted to avoid speaking about what had happened for whatever reason.

Anyway, my AIBU is am I right to be pissed off that I’ve not heard a whisper from PIL? Well MIL really as she’s the only one I ever speak to.

I get she’s his mum etc, but after I poured my heart out to her over the phone and she agreed he was an absolute twat, not even a text since to say hope you’re OK or a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year. Isn’t that odd?
MIL FaceTimed STBXH Christmas Day to speak to DC but that’s it. He says he’s not heard from either of them since.

STBXH was caught mid last year having done something horribly deceitful that hurt me (not cheating) and he was in contact with my mum, who was checking in on him to see he was OK because she was worried about him, despite being angry and disappointed with what he’d done.

I’m so sorry op, that all sounds truly bloody hideous. What a vile turd of a person he is. And her? Well, I’d say she’s embarrassed and probably doesn’t know what to say (how do you discuss your own son’s use of sex workers with your DIL? I shudder to imagine it) but it’s poor form of her not to check in on you, I agree.

So when you text her does she not read your messages at all?
Or read them and not reply?

My guess, with your ex coming back to the marital home for Christmas, is that she's unsure what is going on. Your ex may not have told her, that spending Christmas with the children, didn't mean he's moving back permanently. If you also haven't made your position clear to your MIL, then it means neither of you have told your MIL what's happening long-term. In which case, I can't say I blame her for staying quiet! Perhaps you need to reach out to her and tell her that her son hasn't moved back permanently and will be moving out again! Your MIL going forward will be seeing her grandchildren, when it's your ex's time with them, so you may not have much contact with her. She's not going to alienate her son, so it effects her contact with her grandchildren. Yes, she's likely upset with him, disgusted with him even, but he's still her son.

“She literally couldn’t do anymore to show her support” - ha! Well she could couldn’t she?
”Leave her alone” - I very much have.

I know who is to blame and I’m not fixating on this lack of contact from her at all, I’m just a little hurt I guess, maybe surprised that after knowing her all this time and her knowing what he’s done, me being the mother of her grandkids who she likely wouldn’t have had a relationship with if it wasn’t for me… just a little “hope you’re Ok” text or “happy Xmas. Thanks for the gifts.”
Thats all I’ve hoped for.

Would reaching out to your MIL be worth a shot? Telling her you understand that things are awkward but you don't want to lose the relationship you two have, that you'll still facilitate seeing the DC (if you want to of course!) etc etc.

I agree, it's a shame that she hasn't messaged but she perhaps doesn't know what to say. Does she have form for avoiding tricky conversations?

I'm not saying that you're responsible for her feelings - but sending her a quick message might mean a lot.

For all you know, she knew all about the cheating. It's her son. She will obviously always decide to support him.
I wouldn't expect to hear from my mil if I broke up with dh, I think it's time you move on from his entire family unit.

I would guess she’s dreadfully embarrassed and doesn’t know what to say. For all his terrible behaviour he is her son and she probably wonders if it’s her fault for the way she brought him up, and might feel she shouldn’t 'take sides' against him no matter how much she deplores his behaviour. Since you’ve had him in the house for Christmas perhaps she thinks you might forgive him and take him back (ha!) and doesn’t want to prejudice that possibility.

If you can, cut her some slack. Contact her and ask if she’d like to come and see the children (not while he’s there). She will always be their grandmother, regardless of the behaviour of her scumbag son.

I wonder whether she thinks you hate him and all his family (some people do when things like this happen).

Maybe you could reach out to her once your ex has left again. let her know that you value her relationship with the dgc and that you like to find ways to maintain that. I'm sure she'd respond positively.

She is bound to feel compromised and in a difficult position, and since you did tell her everything in a way that was beyond the bare facts and to get him into trouble (not blaming you for that) she is possibly wary of being drawn further into that dynamic.

If she wants to be a good grandmother she needs to take responsibility and arrange to see your dc through her son - or contact you direct to see / be in contact with the kids.

But maybe she is ashamed / in denial / not emotionally literate.

Don't dwell - just focus on putting your life back together without that disgusting, dishonest , woman exploiting cheat.

And when you messaged her back saying you're not ok and her son's a cunt? Because you would have.

She can't be there for both of you. It sounds like she's keeping out of it to see where the land lies. He's in the house with you. She probably doesn't know what's going on.

Her loyalty will always be for her son. Always.

Can you reach out to her? I wouldn’t drop a DIL automatically if they split with DS, but maybe she is waiting on you to contact her so she knows you still want contact with her

I could never forgive that either. I feel for you absolutely. Glad that you feel happy with the situation now (with your H at least, not your MIL!) and making sense of it all has helped you.

I can bet my house she’s going to be supporting him. My MIL actively encouraged me to leave - she’s been through a similar situation with my ExH father and was quite vocal about how much she regretted not leaving sooner. Once I actually left she dropped me like a hot potato.. fast forward 3 years and I haven’t heard a word from her. She does however support her son, quite a turnaround given his despicable behaviour! My advice is to keep away from the MIL she is not your friend - her son will always be her priority.

Have you text her Happy Christmas/ New Year or thanked her for any gifts sent to grandkids? If you haven’t contacted her she might think you wouldn’t want to hear from her and is waiting for you to make the first contact. Communication is a two way street so unless you are sending messages which are being ignored you can’t be angry that she isn’t messaging you anymore than you would expect her to be angry you haven’t contacted her.

My in laws treated me appallingly when my ex left for someone else (whilst denying it and gaslighting me). They were utterly complicit. Hurtful beyond belief.

I cant account for your Mil's thoughts, maybe she's embarrassed, maybe shes taken his side or maybe she just doesn't know what to say. But yanbu to feel as you do - in my view.

If my kids behaved like this i can't imagine i would cold shoulder the injured party - no matter what.

I'm so sorry op. It's fucking awful. Get rid of him as quick as you can and get some trauma therapy at some point if you can. X

Have you reached out to her?

It's disappointing but not suprising. There's another thread on here at the moment in which the OP's son has been arranging one night stands in her house and the OP is being told by MNers that she's unreasonable to not to take her son's side over the oblivious long-term girlfriend he's cheating on. Apparently she is expected to not say a word to the girlfriend and carry on like normal when he brings her to his mother's house. Apparently that's what good mothers do.

I think she doesn’t know how best to proceed either.

However, don’t get cross at her, save your anger for dh.

Well as per usual mil hasnt picked up the phone to check on on her dil. This is why mils can never win. And yes of course its not her fault her son has done this but show your dil some suppprt its not a big ask. She doesn't have to shout and scream about him with op. Just a simple are you ok, do you need anything?

With a few exceptions, you stand by your family. I wouldnt abandoned a family member for cheating or using sex workers and I would give them a place to stay if they needed it. Most people would be the same without having any hostility toward the betrayed spouse, its just the way it is. I can imagine its very hard for his family as it has been, by the sounds of things, a massive, pile on drama. Shit happens, you have every right to be angry, bitter and enact whatever revenge you want but you do not have the right to dictate his family dynamics. Seek comfort from your own family instead and let it go.

I said happy Christmas in the background when she FaceTimed them on Christmas day and waved. She didn’t respond to me but it is possible she didn’t hear me as it was noisy. DD said afterwards to me “why didn’t nanna say happy Christmas to you?” I just said she mustn’t have heard me.
I didn’t thank her for the kids presents because 1. that’s the DCs job to do and 2. I bought them after she transferred some money to me (never thanked me for buying them on her behalf for what it’s worth)

My paternal grandparents did this when my mum and dad split up. My mum was hurt too as she was close to them. When I was older my dad’s mum explained it to me - it wasn’t to do with loyalty, it was more not wanting to get involved. As PP have said they were stuck between a rock and. Hard place as if they’d have fully supported my mum (which they did) they’d have alienated my dad. As it was my dad had a life full of drama of his own making and it wasn’t the only time he split up with a wife who he had kids with - that happened again after my mum, also due to infidelity. They stepped back and refused to get involved and they only way they knew to deal with this was just by vastly reducing any contact with the spouses. They did, however, always keep in contact with the grandkids (though even when I was under ten I would just pick the phone up and call them when I wanted to chat with them - probably twice. Week, and I’d see them once a month).

Your situation is so similar to mine I thought this was one of my old threads popping up.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, OP. It’s really hurtful she hasn’t contacted you and you’re perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do. My ex-MIL went silent on me too and she admitted to my parents she didn’t know what to do or say.

It doesn’t help much but as others have said, she’s probably in shock herself. My ex’s behaviour has had a lasting impact on my ex-MIL and while we keep a civil relationship, it’s never been the same (which was fine by me), so you may have to try to accept that. It doesn’t help much while you’re fragile and everything hurts that much more.

Sending loads of support and hoping for better times for you.

She’s just staying out of it.

Its a bit confusing that he’s back in the family home and so she likely doesn’t know what to say.

She may be annoyed that you’ve allowed him back in the home or she may be hoping you’ll work it out - but it’s more than likely she’s just giving you space and staying out of it.

Obviously if she’s completely ignoring your messages then that’s rude but I would stop messaging her.

It’s frustrating that you’re not putting the same amount of blame on FIL.

What about the FIL? Why is it always womens work?