Thanks for the replies. To answer a few points made:
We are not living as a couple by any means despite him being here over Christmas. I didn’t know if I’d be able to do it and I don’t know how I have, it’s been awful. It was then DC’s birthday so he stuck around for that too and he’s leaving again tomorrow “for work” is what we’ve told DC - still haven’t told them we are splitting as we wanted to get through this time. It’s going to have to be soon though obviously.
We’ve slept in separate rooms (DC think due to illness), STBXH has been working as far as DC are concerned and he’s spent a lot of time in the home office while DC and I have been entertaining guests, going out etc. STBXH and I have had as little time together as possible. It’s been really fucking difficult though, I can barely look at him. Actually posted before Christmas, only got a few replies but was advised by some to try and muddle through the festive period, and even if you think I’m mad (I quite agree I must be) I’m proud of myself for still giving DC a good Christmas without them knowing their family is about to be blown apart, we’ll have to move house etc.
Can’t be certain what STBXH told ILs about why he’s returned here for Christmas, but presumably for the kids. I doubt he’s told them I’ve forgiven him as he’s as keen to press on with a divorce as I am and isn’t apologising or creeping - you’d be forgiven for thinking I was the one in the wrong at times with the way he’s conducts himself towards me. Arsehole.
I haven’t told my family yet because they would be here a lot over Christmas. A couple of friends know so I have them for support. My DM will be told this week and she’ll be devastated and shocked beyond belief as he’s been her ‘son’ for over 20 years.
Someone asked about my DF - he died a few years ago and STBXH actually helped nurse him and was such a support to my family. He’s been closer to my family throughout our relationship and he would spend time with them even if I wasn’t there over spending time with his own family who he barely bothers with.
I do wonder whether I’ve not explained things well or if some posters are being purposely awkward. I’m not relying on MIL for support, I called her to explain the actual situation before STBXH got in with any BS version. Since then I’ve not expected anything from her, but am a little hurt/surprised/disappointed with her not so much as checking in. I take on board peoples points about why she hasn’t been in touch, but nevertheless I do still feel the same.
The thread by another poster about her cheating son is actually what inspired my post, so I shouldn’t be surprised at some responses here after seeing those on the other.
My anger is firmly placed on my cheating lying shit of a ‘husband’ but doesn’t stop me being a put out at the lack of… well anything from my MIL. I’ll say it again, I’m not expecting her at my door with a fruit basket or daily calls, it’s just her silence that kind of stings.
No relationship with FIL has ever really existed TBH, neither with me, DC or STBXH and not because we are all ableist in the face on his deafness, but because even before he lost his hearing he chose not to really integrate with our family. Even when we sit in their house he makes no effort or reciprocates any of ours.
I wouldn’t be expecting a relationship with ILs post-divorce, but I can bet you MIL will be expecting me to continue facilitating a relationship between her and DC and I doubt her son will bother. Not saying I will be facilitating that, but I’m sure I’ll be the bad guy if I ignore their calls to DC and direct them to STBXH.
I am by no means expecting ILs to take my side. Even if they think their son is the lowest of the low, I am under no illusion that they wouldn’t pick him every time, I know they would and I’d expect nothing else. But to hear literally nothing since I spoke with MIL with what she knows I’m going through (including taking care on her GC alone after finding out what he’d done), no Christmas or NY message, no thanks for their gifts that they know I’ve bought… poor form in my book.