MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

[Needanewoneforthis]

Some information has recently come to light about my husband (cheating, sex workers) that stretches back years. We’ve been together 20 years, married 12 years and started having children 11 years ago. Unsure when he started all this, but at the very least when youngest DC was a toddler and possibly when I was going through cancer treatment; also when my dad was dying.
When I found out and kicked him out (mid December) I knew the only place he had to go was his parents. I called his mum and told her what had happened. He was sat in the room with me and never said a word.
She cried, she apologised, she would never in a million years ever expect that of him, when she saw him she’d strangle him.
In hindsight I was probably partly calling her to get him in trouble, but my main intention had been to give her the truth so he couldn’t turn up at their house and give a bull shit version/ lie about the situation.
STBXH came back here Christmas Eve and has been here ever since until DC go back to school (it’s been hell and I don’t know how I’ve done it, I can barely look at him - all for the kids having a last good Christmas in this house as a family).
He said when he was at his parents they barely spoke to him and he spent most of his time there in another room. He said he didn’t know whether they weren’t speaking to him because they were so angry with him or whether they just wanted to avoid speaking about what had happened for whatever reason.

Anyway, my AIBU is am I right to be pissed off that I’ve not heard a whisper from PIL? Well MIL really as she’s the only one I ever speak to.

I get she’s his mum etc, but after I poured my heart out to her over the phone and she agreed he was an absolute twat, not even a text since to say hope you’re OK or a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year. Isn’t that odd?
MIL FaceTimed STBXH Christmas Day to speak to DC but that’s it. He says he’s not heard from either of them since.

STBXH was caught mid last year having done something horribly deceitful that hurt me (not cheating) and he was in contact with my mum, who was checking in on him to see he was OK because she was worried about him, despite being angry and disappointed with what he’d done.

Nobody is saying force him. At least it opened your eyes to what kind of 'man' he is.

My mother in law never contacted me after my ex cheated.. Any one of the 5 times he did it.
I was ok with that I didn't think it was appropriate or necessary for her to.
And now he's gone for good I never have to see or speak to her again... That's a win!

If I ever found myself in the MILs position, I wouldn’t be in contact. You and your husband are going to go your separate ways , so relationship over. What’s the need to stay in contact with you.

There’s no need, it just feels like common decency to check in with what’s happened. I wouldn’t be expecting to still be meeting up with her in 5 years time, it was only a “hope you and the kids are OK” message I was hoping for, or “Thanks for the Christmas presents x”, but then I’ve explained that’s what I meant over and over and apparently according to many PPs that’s much too much of a big ask. You know with her knowing me for 20+ years, raising her DGC and me being the only one really who encouraged a relationship between the DC and them, but you must be right, it is obviously too much to pick up a phone and type out a line of text.

I have seen quite a few posts on here from ex-DILs saying that their ex-MILs basically cut them off as soon as they were informed that their son had cheated and would be leaving their wife and children.

However, in some cases, their sons then didn't bother maintaining a relationship with their own children so these MILs lost all contact with their grandchildren. Many of them then contacted the ex-DIL to demand access to their grandkids and photos etc. In most cases, they were quite rightly told that it was their son's responsibility to facilitate contact with the grandchildren.

And rightly so, it should be the son that facilitates it, not the Ex DIL.

I think you’re being completely unrealistic. He’s still their son and if they have to choose where their loyalties lie, that’ll be with him. This is what happens most of the time after infidelity (with some rare exceptions).

I was also cheated on and left. My in-laws immediately lied to their extended family about the cause of the split (I was very close with a couple of aunties/uncles) and when the relatives said they thought ex had had an affair, my in-laws told them it was a lie and that I was “poisonous”. These are the same people who said on our wedding day that I was “like a daughter to them”.

It’s just what happens. Blood is thicker, etc.

Jesus wept! Once again for the people at the back: of course they will support their son, I am not expecting them to take my side etc etc etc. I WAS JUST HOPING FOR AT LEAST A MESSAGE instead of radio silence!

Why would you get a message of concern if they’re supporting their son? I think you need to wake up to your new reality, write off the entire family of in-laws, and focus on your new life without them. There’s that saying: when people show you who they are, believe them.

I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through and are going through but the trying to get him into trouble is incredibly childish, and ultimately they will side with their son, no matter how much they disapprove, your relationship will end past mother of the grandkids and a new woman will ultimately appear, they know this. And also no matter what he tells you, he will have told his parents his side, which will basically be his marriage was shit, you were horrible to him, sex was either limited or a chore, he didn’t feel loved or heard, usual crap, but he will have mitigated his actions.

you need to accept. The marriage ending, ends your current position and it’s very difficult for your mil , in an ideal world she’d reach out, but really it will just be about the kids now.

“There’s that saying: when people show you who they are, believe them.“
Completely agree with that, and I am seeing that totally. I just didn’t think they were those people. I thought they were the people who had valued their relationship with me enough over the last 20 years, that when they knew I was going through such a horrific period whilst looking after their grandkids and pretending to them that everything was fine, that they might just send a message. You can support a perpetrator and still have concern for the victim. You could even show gratitude and some degree of manners to thank someone for thoughtful Christmas presents they’ve picked out and sent to you. And given that their son never does anything to facilitate a relationship between them and DC (both historically and still now) I would think that they might make the tiniest amount of effort instead of showing me who they are, ie. people who don’t give a shit and I in turn will not be making an effort for.

Has Stbxh moved back out yet?

Yes he’s gone, he’s staying in a hotel paid for by work. Don’t know if his parents know that or not.
Me and kids have had basic contact with him but haven’t seen him.

I am sorry you’ve taken such a beating here from the usual mumsnet…hm. Let me not say what I think. What I want to say is that for some reason when people are labled “grandparents “ on mumsnet there is a strong belief that they have rights but no duties. The same people who excoriate you here for expecting common courtesy from your MIL for twenty years of service will also attack you—or snother similar poster—for failing to foster your children’s relationship with these grandparents. Everyone in the family has rights in association but you, is the way these mumsnetters think. Look at the poor woman whose own husband wanted to cut off his abusive parents? The wailing and pearl clutching over how wrong and selfish the wife was being unkind to her in laws was legendary.

I entirely agree with you. These are separate relationships. They can support their son and also maintain a relationship with their STBexDIL in order to have a relationship with their grandchildren. You are not asking her to be your BFF!

I also gave up trying with my MIL. It became very obvious that any contact I made with her was being run past my (then separated) husband before she answered me. All her messages to me were written by him. And if she cared so little for her own grandchildren that she couldn't manage to text me unaided, she got the same energy from me.

Yes, it’s possible for people to do that, but most people will not. I’m sorry you’re going through this; it’s very painful. I’ve been through it too. Three years later I have a civil relationship with the in-laws on occasions when I see them (they live nearby and sometimes have to pick up my daughter from their house), and co-parent well with my ex (and OW!). I wouldn’t say I’ve forgiven and forgotten, but I’ve moved on. Interestingly, it’s my close friends and my own family who bear the grudge. None of them will have anything to do with my ex (most of them live in the same town too).

Under no circumstances allow him back in. You’ve done very well getting through this period.

it might be worth letting the in laws know that he’s now back out. This very new period is difficult and they might be walking on egg shells, but PP are wrong to say they shouldn’t contact you at all.

My ex MIL and I have had our differences and difficulties and she will refuse to hear any bad word (or truth) spoken against her precious son. However she has made it clear she is always there for me and there for her grandchildren. She has done loads to help us and stood in to care for us many times.

Of course they can, and do. I am still very much in contact with my ex MiL and she sees the children through me far more than via her son. My relationship with her is separate to my relationship with him.