MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

[Needanewoneforthis]

Some information has recently come to light about my husband (cheating, sex workers) that stretches back years. We’ve been together 20 years, married 12 years and started having children 11 years ago. Unsure when he started all this, but at the very least when youngest DC was a toddler and possibly when I was going through cancer treatment; also when my dad was dying.
When I found out and kicked him out (mid December) I knew the only place he had to go was his parents. I called his mum and told her what had happened. He was sat in the room with me and never said a word.
She cried, she apologised, she would never in a million years ever expect that of him, when she saw him she’d strangle him.
In hindsight I was probably partly calling her to get him in trouble, but my main intention had been to give her the truth so he couldn’t turn up at their house and give a bull shit version/ lie about the situation.
STBXH came back here Christmas Eve and has been here ever since until DC go back to school (it’s been hell and I don’t know how I’ve done it, I can barely look at him - all for the kids having a last good Christmas in this house as a family).
He said when he was at his parents they barely spoke to him and he spent most of his time there in another room. He said he didn’t know whether they weren’t speaking to him because they were so angry with him or whether they just wanted to avoid speaking about what had happened for whatever reason.

Anyway, my AIBU is am I right to be pissed off that I’ve not heard a whisper from PIL? Well MIL really as she’s the only one I ever speak to.

I get she’s his mum etc, but after I poured my heart out to her over the phone and she agreed he was an absolute twat, not even a text since to say hope you’re OK or a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year. Isn’t that odd?
MIL FaceTimed STBXH Christmas Day to speak to DC but that’s it. He says he’s not heard from either of them since.

STBXH was caught mid last year having done something horribly deceitful that hurt me (not cheating) and he was in contact with my mum, who was checking in on him to see he was OK because she was worried about him, despite being angry and disappointed with what he’d done.

@Eyeshadow “It’s frustrating that you’re not putting the same amount of blame on FIL.“

Ne never spoken to him on the phone because he’s deaf. Barely acknowledges me in real life either for the same reason.

You are utterly mad to have him in your house. If I were you, by all means he can have visitation with the kids but I would keep this poisonous AH out of my life. You deserve better.

His PIL will obviously distance themselves from you. You are not their child the AH is.

I hope your own family are there for you.

Your mum should cut ties with the AH too, though fair play to her for caring.

So essentially you haven’t contacted her and she hasn’t contacted you. I don’t see what the problem is. If you want to hear from her initiate the contact with a text. Obviously if then she doesn’t reply it’s a different story, but essentially right now it sounds like neither of you are making an effort.

When I told my ex Mother in Law about her cheating lying son she paused then said life goes on. Never heard from her after that revelation.

None of which has anything to do with your unfaithful husband!
you’re angry at the wrong person.

She was supportive when she heard the news and now she is treading carefully. Of course she has heard his side of the story since and there's doubtless a 'two to tango' element coming through - there always is. My ex tried it with me as well. I leant on my own family when my ex cheated, I would never have expected his parents to contact me of their own volition, because at the end of the day he is their son and no doubt he is leaning on them for support too. It was my mum and dad that got me through (I know you don't have your father anymore and I'm sorry for your loss). The landmine has only just exploded, the dust is still settling, your ex is still at your home. She is doubtless waiting to hear from him 'how Christmas went' and what the two of you have decided before considering whether or not to contact you. My ex-PIL never contacted me and to be honest I imagine they probably thought I didn't want to hear from them because my ex was the golden boy who didn't do anything wrong - except he did things wrong all the time and was very much tarnished... I think YABU but that's because you've had a really tough Christmas and you're looking for support. I am just not sure it's the best place to look for it.

Me and my ex husband finished in Feb 2025 and I've not heard a peep off her since, married for 20 years, 7 kids, he cheated etc, she told my daughter she wanted to smack me around the face for kicking him out.
I hope 2026 is a better year for you.

It’s not great but she’ll be mortified and probably blaming herself somehow for some imagined wrongdoing in how she raised him.

Women are socialised from the cradle to the grave to be mortified on behalf of menfolk.

Agree with other posters. Your STBexH has thrown a bomb into both households. Why is this on his mum.

I would expect you would be hoping your children’s grandparents would be supporting their grandchildren to navigate this mess whilst the two adults plan a healthy way forward for all. However, between warring parents, even then grandparents have to proceed with caution.

To be honest, I would ask nothing of his parents. It’s at times like this it becomes apparent how flimsy familial marital relationships are. The attachment can be sharply broken.

Ultimately she is probably doing her own “rewriting of history” so that she doesn’t have to live with the undiluted truth that her son is a despicable man. She’s maybe re-painting you in her own mind as being a less than great wife, who knows what your stbxh has said to her - you’ve only got his word for it that they haven’t spoken at all about what happened.

The only other explanations I can think of are: she’s beyond mortified and in shock and feels somehow to blame for raising such a horrible son, so she doesn’t dare call you in case she gets an earful.

And ultimately she has to pick her side - and she is always going to pick her own blood.

Well that stops. “hi MIL, hope you had a nice Christmas. I’ve noticed that we do not seem to be in contact any more which is fine, but I thought maybe it is best that I no longer buy the kids’ presents on your behalf. Please let me know if you prefer to put it in their savings directly (account nos) and they can choose what to buy or you can work this out with their dad instead. All best”

And do not buy them gifts from your kids anymore! Again that is their dad’s job to facilitate.

She doesn’t know what to say, he’s living in the family home, she’s probably trying to keep out of it, or be branded interfering. She probably in shock too. Your angry should be firmly at your husbands door.

She's his mum - no matter how disappointed and upset she is at his behaviour, she loves him and will end up supporting him. Look to your own family and friends for support and accept that she's staying out of it. It's upsetting if you've had a close relationship in the past but it's what usually happens! Frankly, it's the least of your worries at the moment, it's just a distraction.

People saying about 'allowing' him in OPs home probably aren't the best to take any advice from.
Once the scumbag has consulted a solicitor he will be told to not leave the marital property.

The woman is not your family anymore OP, forget the lot of them and concentrate on your happy future. Will you be able to buy the man out of the house?

How often would you usually speak to MIL on the phone? (Before all of this)

I'd be mortified if my son had done this @Needanewoneforthis

Could it just be as simple as, that your MiL feels so bad for you and for what he did, that she feels embarrassed/guilty and doesn't want to inflame the situation?

It could be resolved simply by you reaching out, something along the lines of it would be lovely for you and her grandchildren to spend some time together, with her, despite the circumstances?

You seem to have had a decent relationship with her previously.

eta, sp.

Has the FIL been in touch?

I think MIL saw my kids once in the year we were separated for about 2 hours. I did not facilitate as, quite frankly, i had too much else to be dealing with. I still leave it as his responsibility and as a result, they barely see her. It is sad as we used to all be quite close to her.

I wonder if some of her reluctance to keep in touch with you is because you shattered her illusion of the person she thought her son was. She’s probably grieving for the son/happy families she thought she had, awkward because you know that her sons a total prick and in some way wishes you had swept it all under the carpet so it didn’t have to be faced….
She should know exactly the sort of person her son is so you were right to tell her and in an ideal world she would still behave as she has always done but I can see why she’s distanced herself. It’s not fair or right though especially for your children, enjoy your space back to yourself once he’s gone . You’re a better person the me, I couldn’t have had him stay for Christmas.

She is probably really upset and embarrassed, and now has an unwanted house guest that is living with her.
Her son is a disgrace. She is as upset and shocked as you are.

She was supportive during your phone call but she's not your support system and you are unreasonable to expect that.

You said you called and told her everything your husband did in part to "get him into trouble".

How do you think she feels knowing her son is cheating and using sex workers in detail? You threw a bomb into her relationship with her son in part for revenge and now she's uncomfortable with you. She also doesn't know what the hell is going on because you now have him back in the home. Your marriage seems volatile and she's keeping out of it.

As for facilitating seeing your kids, well, if you stay split, that's going to be up to your husband.

You don't communicate with FIL because he's deaf? You haven't learned to sign? He can't text? I hope your kids learned to sign.

They don’t care. The apple, presumably, didn’t fall far from the tree. People can rationalize anything snd frequently do. She will pick up the phone to be nice or be mean to you eventually, whichever suits her best.

You don't communicate with FIL because he's deaf? You haven't learned to sign? He can't text? I hope your kids learned to sign

oh great! Another thing the woman is responsible for!

When there's a deaf family member, it's the norm to learn to sign. It's on everyone to learn to communicate, as the person can't hear.