MIL not been in touch since cheating scandal

[Needanewoneforthis]

Some information has recently come to light about my husband (cheating, sex workers) that stretches back years. We’ve been together 20 years, married 12 years and started having children 11 years ago. Unsure when he started all this, but at the very least when youngest DC was a toddler and possibly when I was going through cancer treatment; also when my dad was dying.
When I found out and kicked him out (mid December) I knew the only place he had to go was his parents. I called his mum and told her what had happened. He was sat in the room with me and never said a word.
She cried, she apologised, she would never in a million years ever expect that of him, when she saw him she’d strangle him.
In hindsight I was probably partly calling her to get him in trouble, but my main intention had been to give her the truth so he couldn’t turn up at their house and give a bull shit version/ lie about the situation.
STBXH came back here Christmas Eve and has been here ever since until DC go back to school (it’s been hell and I don’t know how I’ve done it, I can barely look at him - all for the kids having a last good Christmas in this house as a family).
He said when he was at his parents they barely spoke to him and he spent most of his time there in another room. He said he didn’t know whether they weren’t speaking to him because they were so angry with him or whether they just wanted to avoid speaking about what had happened for whatever reason.

Anyway, my AIBU is am I right to be pissed off that I’ve not heard a whisper from PIL? Well MIL really as she’s the only one I ever speak to.

I get she’s his mum etc, but after I poured my heart out to her over the phone and she agreed he was an absolute twat, not even a text since to say hope you’re OK or a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year. Isn’t that odd?
MIL FaceTimed STBXH Christmas Day to speak to DC but that’s it. He says he’s not heard from either of them since.

STBXH was caught mid last year having done something horribly deceitful that hurt me (not cheating) and he was in contact with my mum, who was checking in on him to see he was OK because she was worried about him, despite being angry and disappointed with what he’d done.

@outerspacepotato “You don't communicate with FIL because he's deaf? You haven't learned to sign? He can't text? I hope your kids learned to sign.”

he’s become deaf in later life and hasn’t learned himself! He’s very shy/introverted (dare I say rude) He can’t speak on the phone due to deafness, but makes little to no effort to hold a conversation with anyone either. He doesn’t text because he doesn’t have a phone.

He’s very shy/introverted (dare I say rude). He can’t speak on the phone due to deafness, but makes little to no effort to hold a conversation with anyone either.

You're not covering yourself with glory here, @Needanewoneforthis . I appreciate that it’s not really your problem, but I don’t think you understand how difficult and isolating life can be for deaf people.

Oh for fuck’s sake she married into a dysfunctional family and fit in with them as they preferred. Who is she to drag her husbands father out if his lair to make him socialize with her? This is the most captious and aggressive derailing of a thread I have ever seen. Its sea lioning and misogynistic at the same time.

Blood is thicker than water.
That’s what a relative was told by her MIL at the time when her DH was caught cheating.

My sister behaved pretty badly towards her exH, who we all really liked. But when push came to shove we rallied around her as she’s our family.
You cannot expect a mother to want to do anything other than support her son, even in his shame. Plus he’s getting it in the neck from you so he doesn’t need everyone else coming down on him like a tonne of bricks for ever after (and make no mistake I think what he did to you was despicable)

At the end of the day, he's her son. As his parent, i am guessing she'd want to make sure he is okay, regardless of whether i thought that was right or wrong. I'm sure you wont disown your children even if they've wronged. She's been put in an awkward position, so I dont see anything wrong with her being silent. I dont think its fair for you to have put her in a position where she has to take sides. You and your husband, as adults, chose to marry eachother, so not sure why you'd want to call his mum and complain about him "to get him into trouble". Trying to get someone into "trouble" by complaining to that persons mummy, is very childish. Unless this is a marriage arranged by the parents, it's not the parents problem. How childish of you to think it is. His mum is not responsible for his actions. Why are you expecting emotional support from your soon to be ex mother-in-law? Have you not got your own family and friends to fall back on? Divorce and move on.

You're finding out how it works. No matter how beastly her son has been, she will side with and protect him. No matter how much effort you put into your relationship with them as well as the kids' relationship with them...and even HIS relationship with them, she will side with and protect him.

I was in your MIL situation when my son left his wife. I remember feeling mortified, embarrassed and ashamed, but I couldn't bring myself to contact her. I didn't want to be put in a position where I would have to say anything negative about my son, even though he was at fault. So for a couple of years we didn't have contact. Eventually though we went to the same party and got chatting, and have been touch ever since. She and her new partner are even helping me move house next week!

It's an side topic that I felt deserved comment. If you feel it breaks the rules, report.

I have no clue what sea lioning is, but seeing that someone is deaf and thus not expected to communicate seems very ableist to me. Just because it's a man who has a disability doesn't mean he should be sidelined and ignored. He can be a contributing family member. That's not misogyny. That's seeing a disability that has isolated someone to an extreme.

And he hasn't learned to sign. Like, deaf organizations are very proactive on helping people that have gone deaf and their family members, at least here. I'm shocked he's had no assistance.

I already commented on OP's situation with her MIL.

You should be preparing to lose her support completely, especially if this leads to a divorce. They will always "side with" their child and there isn't really much she can say to you. They're disappointed in him but will always be on his side because he is their child. This is the norm with breakups as their relationship with you is through him. You'll probably get similar from shared friends you met through him.

My ex-MIL was exactly the same in almost identical circumstances, except I was diagnosed with cancer 3 months after the cheating came to light. Still not a peep.

My ex mil was like this when I split with her son. Then I got back with him for a few years and she was very apologetic and told me she just didn’t know what to say and felt she let me down. I then permanently split up with her son and she has remained a proper friend /mother figure to me. She has a good heart and just didn’t know what to do. It sounds like your MIl has a good heart too and is clearly appropriately distressed about her son’s behaviour. Understand your upset but I think she cares about you and just doesn’t know what to do. I’d forgive this if you can, just let things be for a while and then maybe reach out and say you miss her.

In my case OP, it was because my MIL blamed me for his affair. Apparently it’s my fault. I haven’t heard a thing from his family since I found out. They haven’t asked how I am, it was so obvious I had lost a hell of a lot of weight, if I was eating, nothing. Total silence.

I had similar though no cheating but dh had an addiction that broke down our relationship. I always believed I got on very well with my mil, we had a good relationship, so I called her, poured out my heart, she took dh in, then deleted me from her Facebook and has never spoken to me again, even though dh and I have worked through it and got back together after a year apart.
I guess you never truly no people, and as your her child she has no loyalty to you.
i understand how much it hurts though, finding out someone who you thought would have your back just disappears when you need the support the most. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Ah, I have experienced exactly this.

My marriage of 20 years exploded, when I found out that ExH had cheated with about 10 women, over a period of many years. I tried to get over it, for the sake of the children, but he wouldn't stop. So, I left him.

My MIL's stance was that ExH had been having "a bit of fun" but that I was the villain of the piece, as it was me who was "breaking up a family". After 20 years, she never spoke to me again. Neither did FIL or my 3 SIL's, or any of their husband's. Even though everyone knew the truth.

As if that wasn't bad enough, none of my friends even picked up the phone to check on me.

You do really find out how awful a lot of people are, when the shit hits the fan.

Look after yourself Op. In a few years you won't care about this quite so much. I have a much better husband now, and different in-laws. Everyone moves on.

I'm positive that if one of my children's marriages failed that I would contact their spouse. That said, my son just broke up with his GF of 4 years and I haven't contacted her. But I only met her twice, so we didn't have a relationship as such.

My father left my mother for another woman 2 days after my wedding (I was 21 and on honeymoon). This was late September, my mother invited his mother (who she had never had a good relationship with) to the family home for Christmas lunch. She came, stayed about 2 hours and left. We never saw her again.

I remember I told my mother at the time that inviting her was a mistake, that at the end of the day my father was still her child and she would support him over my mother any day of the week. My mother did look to her to condemn my father and she just wouldn't do it. In fact, I think my grandmother was glad of the excuse to completely cut all contact with my mother for good!

Myself and my two brothers hadn't had much of a relationship beforehand with our grandmother either, to be honest. It was our mother who initiated all contact with her, even before my parents split. I didn't like my grandmother much and had no interest as a young adult to forge any relationship with her.

My grandparents did the same to my mum -their DIL for over 30 years. They had a great relationship previously we saw them every week. Their silence hurt her deeply.
My parents actually ended up staying together in the end, but my mums relationship with PIL was ruined and unfortunately has never recovered. She hasn't seen or spoken to them in over ten years now.

I felt the same after my exH left. Not a word of support (or even a word) from his family when I was reeling from his sudden announcement and his subsequent leaving.

I think, with hindsight, that they probably didn’t know what to do. I’m on good terms with them all now, 6 years on.

I imagine it’s a difficult position to be in because ultimately, parents will always love their children and most definitely won’t not provide them with a home.

She might not have felt "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year" were appropriate sentiments, given your situation.
I agree she could of said "hope you're OK- I think it's best I don't get involved in the situation" or similiar.

I too expect it's a case of not knowing what to say!
If you miss her, tell her and invite her round once he's gone. If you don't, well then there's no need to worry about it.

I've not read any further, because I 100% agree with this poster.

You're being entirely unreasonable. The best thing for a MIL to do, especially where you've temporarily taken her son back, is to stand back and stay out of it.

At this point she had no idea how this is going to end. Anything that she says at this point has the potential to land her in trouble with one or the other of you.

When your DH's behaviour was exposed, your MIL responded fantastically. While he was living with her she was making it clear to him that she was extremely unhappy with him. What more do you want from his own mother?

Sort out what you're doing in the long term before you expect anything of her. It's a mess right now and she's very wise to keep out of it.

I'm sorry but i think yabu. I've gone through very very similar, and as much as i wanted to hang him out to dry for everyone to name and shame, i decided scandal and drama was not for me. So, i think you made an error in calling his mum. She didnt deserve to be put in the middle of your marriage breakdown like that.

I divorced my exh, but in the moment i didn't give into the want of telling everyone what a horrible disgusting person he is. I think not doing that has saved me my own sanity, saved my kids from a lot of heartache and kept family relationships stable. It sucks sometimes to be the bigger person especially when you see him doing whatever he wants seemingly unaffected, but I believe karma will get him sooner or later. My focus is on me and the dc. And yes, he was also here for Christmas. Didn't love it, but doable.

@Needanewoneforthis I am so sorry for what you're going through.

There is a current trending thread where the OP asked her son to dogsit while she was away. She came back early and found her son cheating on his GF. When she said wanted to tell the GF, the majority of many posters telling her to mind her business is staggering! It’s quite a telling thread, a lot of mothers don’t actually care that their little princes are scum and are happy to facilitate and enable their cheating ways.

I don’t see the need to escalate this but, to me, it is extremely inappropriate to load this woman down with duties to her STBXH’s family that they don’t assume. The word “abelist” is tossed around here like some kind of wild card in poker. Being deaf doesn’t make this man a child or require family and society to scaffold him. He is a fully adult male whose preferences and right to his own associations wasn’t lost with his hearing. OP has plenty of her own work to do without taking on her ex husband’s and ex MIL’s duties to their husband/father. Why are you sideswiping OP? Just because she was his DIL? How was it her responsibility to force him into communicating with her?

My MIL's stance was that ExH had been having "a bit of fun" but that I was the villain of the piece, as it was me who was "breaking up a family".

So not "exactly this". Because OP's MIL didn't take that stance at all. She was horrified, and has given him the cold shoulder while he's been living with her.