To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

She prefers to be with her own family and your son wants to be with her. I would also assume her father is either helping his daughter financially with the house purchase or is in a position of being able to guide her because of his knowledge in this area. All very normal and not personal towards you.

the line I invested my life stood out for me, is your son a bit suffocated

No we helped finance wise and sorting out mortgage etc as did her parents.

I don’t think so. By invested I mean doing family things together, supporting education and chosen careers. Listening and helping with problems.
i would never say that to him
or they DC. My issues with this are mine not his. Just really wanted to see if my feelings were valid.

We have the same issue every holiday or event. I even get asked on Mother’s Day am I coming for lunch with DM or MIL as if these are the only two options available. I’ve been a mother myself for well over 10 years now but apparently I haven’t yet earnt the honour of the day.

This is tough OP, what a shame.

Myself and DH had tough upbringings for different reasons and always wanted our DC to have it different from us

It's possible that he shares this natural ambition to improve on what he started out with, so the social climbing/snobbery is appealing to him at this stage in his life.

We all go through developmental stages where we latch onto whatever seems to suit our purpose at the time, and this might just be something he grows out of, although I must say my brother never did - driven by status his whole life, sadly.

Does anyone else find this saying trotted out all the time annoying: 'a daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son 'til he gets him a wife'.

In my experience a son is a son until he can’t be arsed organising to see his family despite his wife repeatedly suggesting it to him and would love it if he took the kids off on an outing with him for his family for the day.

Women are just socialised to be better at organising relationships so do their half well with their family. Many men can be rubbish at this so don’t bother to do their half with their family.

Somehow you are going to have to find some peace with this as if they end up having children together the dynamic you are struggling with is going to intensify by a factor of one hundred. You are stumbling over the first MIL hurdle and you will push them away.

You aren’t entitled to see them for exactly the same time quota as her family, it’s not a child custody arrangement. They are adults with free will and they will choose. Assuming you have more sons then the same may happen with those young men too and thats why the stereotypes about losing the son to the wife exists.

Men are inherently lazy and the majority place no value in the small social lubricants that keeps people feeling tied like phone calls, texts, gifts and regular meetings ups. We see this through so many threads on here and therefore that saying rings true. I do have a partner who cares deeply about his family and does seem they regularly but I think that’s tied to all sorts of unusual factors that are a bit outing to post about. It’s not very standard. I on the other hand rarely see my family and I feel fine with that. I’m super busy and as long as everyone is healthy and happy we all just coast along.

It must be hard, and confusing. I wonder how common this is. My boyfriend openly says he much prefers spending time with my parents than his own, and we see a LOT more of my parents than his.

It sounds like your son doesn't want to spend more time with his family. If he really wanted to, he could. His gf does want to spend more time with her family so she is actively making it happen.

Nothing stopping your son from making it happen as well but sounds like he feels no need.

I have two adult DDs and one lives with friends, the other still home. I let them be with boyfriends- only recently had the eldest had a serious relationship and I’ve met him once as she lives away and they both live in different city to parents so they are truly independent. I understand the feeling op but I think you have to keep it to yourself. You will always be his mum and he knows that. I would cultivate time alone with him for a walk or a coffee etc and don’t t focus so much on the relationship.

I think this happens. I have a sister and no brothers, we all spend a lot of time with my family. I have teo boys and I am sad that they will probably end up spending more time with their future wives parents and move to be close by them rather than me.

Please don’t be that mum who demands equal more time from him. As an adult he can go on holiday with who he likes when he likes.
just be open and inviting to them both never demanding

YABU

It's not a competition nor something you audit.

Your jealousy is part of the problem but it also sounds like insecurity on either your son's or his daughter's part where they feel the need to seek approval.

Would you like your son and his gf to be constantly seeking your approval?

Which is a healthier relationship?

It is a shame you find yourself in this situation, it can’t be easy. Your line about feeling they ought to share their time evenly however is absolutely ridiculous, sorry, they’re not toys or sweets to be handed around. Just keep the lines of communication open, invite them to meals or to days out when you can/want to, that’s all you can do really. Well, and be pleasant company but it sounds like you’re okay on that front already!
It isn’t a given that a man will be closer to his wife’s family… but it is often the case purely because men just don’t consider it to be their ‘job’ to keep relationships afloat, and so the ‘in laws’ fall to one side when the DIL refuses to pick up the slack. I don’t know what the answer is to it really, but it’s disappointing to see, time and again.

We see far more of my parents for holidays and Christmas. I feel a little guilty but there are various reasons

1. my parents plan holidays further in advance. Our leave disappears quickly - we often plan a holiday for next year on the current holiday, or even earlier. 2026’s holiday was booked in 2024. My in-laws often say “let’s go on holiday in march” in December - our leave is already allocated and booked up.
2. my parents pay for more. It sounds mercenary but it’s a simple case of practicality. We know a holiday with my family will cost significantly less than a holiday with my in laws so in budgeting terms we can afford it when we can’t afford the other.
3. theyre more relaxing with my parents. My in laws won’t go abroad and we always have the dogs with us. They like to get up early and often complain about people not doing enough (we do, just differently) and complain about each other constantly to whoever is listening. It gets very tiring. My parents aren’t perfect and can drive me crazy but it’s a lot more laid back and about good food and good wine and seeing beautiful places and so long as everyone mucks in they’re happy.
4. my parents never complain if we can’t see them, they’re just happy and grateful when we do join them - DF always says he doesn’t understand it as he couldn’t wait to stop family holidays with his mother. When we see the in laws they spend time complaining how they don’t get us to see us.
5. I do most of our social organising so there is a natural preference. I try to be fair but when DH isn’t bothered it naturally falls to my preference.

Not saying all or any of these apply to your situation but if you’ve built him to be more independent, she’s probably the driving force behind the choice.

You have every right to feel sad & rejected - just don't show it to your son.
I have a 19year old and I thought the same would happen but thankfully they are with us more. I am beyond grateful.
When I was young, I spent more time at my bfs house. Its just how to cookie crumbles unfortunately.

very similar situation here and ds lives very close to his fiancée parents and 5 hours away from us. I do find it hard when they have meals together and see each other often and can feel left out. But I am so pleased that he gets on with her family and that they like him. I would never say anything , we make efforts to visit them and help when asked. It is just a shift of his life not him not loving you anymore. You just have to be happy for him.

Ah I have same OP. No advice really other than to say you gotta suck it up if you want to continue with having a relationship with your DS and his gfriend.

I get it. And it's bloody hard sometimes but just paste that smile on and carry on...

OP maybe just focus on having great holidays without kids( albeit adult) in tow! I’m not planning on whole family holidays when they’ve all left home- surely that’s your time? The odd weekend or occasional trip maybe but relish your independence ! Life is short.

Ok so my best guess here is that either your son’s girlfriend is pushing for more time with her parents, and especially a cherished holiday and your DS is happy to go along with her preference OR your DS is finding the difference in values interesting/ refreshing and that he’s appreciating the variety.

Much as I would say I probably share your values deep down, it can actually be quite wearing to be constantly with people who have a very strong moral code or ethos and unbendingly adhere to it. I had friends like this at uni- they would almost recoil at anything which was seen as materialistic or flashy and almost revel in being seen to reject these values and being ‘“poor” (obviously they weren’t). In the end we got a bit tired of it as it also came across as being envious and a bit snobby- we called it inverse snobbery! Sometimes you have to let go and enjoy yourself especially on holiday!

I’m not saying this is why in your case but you have to let your DS explore different value systems and decide for himself what his own are- and be warned they may not be the same as yours! Give it time, continue to welcome him and his GF without an agenda and see where you get to.

I think its completely unrealistic to expect two adults to give up huge amounts of annual leave to go on holiday with both sets parents. It maybe this time her parents are going somewhere they really want to go and two weeks with you is just a bit to much. I don't think you can take it personally. I definitely prefer my parents to any of my ex partners parents, infact getting on with my family is a huge requirement for me.

I think your feelings are valid but there is some truth in the old saying…..

Your son is your son until he finds a wife,
Your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life.

I would have thought it was quite obvious that parents are different kettle of fish than friends.