To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing

What type of decisions?

he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.

You have absolutely no idea the reasons why they can’t commit to a holiday. Could be finances, work, wedding (as guests), a festival. Or they might want to go on a holiday just the two of them.

You are sounding quite bitter without much context.

It's pretty normal for a girl to be seeing her parents more than his side, usually daughters are closer with there mum the older they get..Let them be and stop being daft there grown up and can decide what they want when they want to do it, that's what happens when we grow lol

I understand how you feel OP as it must be very hard (especially if he is an only child). It seems to be that daughters are closer with their parents than sons as the grow - I know I'm a lot closer with my parents than my brother and I pester my husband to see his parents.

Sadly, I do think you are being unreasonable as so many of the other posts have said, he isn't a bag of sweets and it's his choice whether he comes with you or not. For insurance, my PIL are lovely but my husband just doesn't want to spend Christmas day there and I can't force him. We always end up at my parents.

Try not to take it too personally. If you back off a bit and just let them do their own thing, they might come round eventually.

It's a common phenomenon at all levels of society, from the Prince of Wales downwards.

It’s fairly common and if you read all the MIL posts on here you’ll know that many women (certainly not all) prefer their own families company and the men end up just going along with it. But, you can’t force them to spend time equally, and if you get offended, and start complaining then it’s likely to get worse.

My younger son lives with his gf now but they live closer to me currently, so I see more of them. But they spent Christmas with her family, which was fine by me, and will come to me next year (I am relocating in summer so they will be closer to gf parents). I’ll never put pressure on them to come and spend time with me, I hate that, and i’ve spent many christmases with my mother (who hates christmas so it’s hardly fun) out of duty.

I think that my son and his current Gf (hopefully she becomes his wife and mother to my GC as I like her a lot) will be quite fair over visiting but I do think daughters need their mothers more than boys do in general. I do have a daughter too, but who knows if she will see more of me in future as she’s only a teen at moment. All my dc were quite homely kids, and I hope they will want to choose to spend time with me. Ds1 is 32 and we have been on many holidays together, but he is single so I think that makes it a bit different as not sure a partner (he is gay so would be male) would necessarily want to holiday with their bf’s mum!

My advice - chill.

.

I’m sensing this is why you they don’t want to go on holiday. They’re adults, you can’t expect them to go with you! Your idea of a holiday may not be theirs!

YANBU to feel upset, I would too. It's their decision though at the end of the day. Keep inviting them to things OP, but act unconcerned if they say no. Try not to seem jealous of her parents.

To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

He probably doesn't but she does and he wants to be with her so will go with the flow. This tends to be the way it goes.

• Mother of boys

My ILs ghost us for week every time we visit my parents. We see my parents about once every couple of years as they are in another country and my ILs every 3-4 months!

You have every right to feel hurt but no he shouldn’t be spitting his time equally. You’re not entitled to his time nor should you insist or dictate how they spend it. I can’t tell you now that you’re going the right way to being the person they never want to spend time with. We have one set of parents like this and it’s exhausting. Splitting every weekend, Christmas, Easter, annual holiday. They constantly feel like we’re not doing enough and ironically if there is ever a time where we can only see one set we see them the most because they’re the ones who will complain the most. However the time is spent begrudgingly as interactions have become forced over the years. Adults only have a finite amount of time off please don’t start keeping tally of how they spend it.

OP you could easily be my MIL from what you have written. We spend a lot more time with my parents than my DH, always have done and I can tell you that for us anyway, it’s not because I’m closer to my mum or family. For us it just developed naturally over the last 14 years. We can walk into my parents house without knocking, help ourselves to a drink or food without asking, my dad will invite my husband to the pub or out somewhere for the day, he will ask for my husbands help when doing big DIY projects, we are invited every week for dinner, they invite us out to restaurants, they offer to have our kids so we can go out for a meal or food shop in peace, if we need anything they are always there at the drop of a hat. They ask us how we are, text us happy new year etc. In contrast I can’t actually remember the last time we were invited to my in laws for anything (apart from Boxing Day which is a given unless they are away), we have to knock before entering even though we have a key, neither of us can relax there in the same way as we do at my parents, I’ve never been invited anywhere by my MIL and the only time she does occasionally do it now is when she wants my young son to come along (so it’s basically to spend time with him), or because she wants me to drive because FIL cba to take her (so a invite because I’m useful). I don’t have a issue with my PILs, I would love to spend more time with them especially as my DH is a only child. We do live closer to my parents but my PIL are only a 10 minute drive away so we aren’t far from either. My PIL like to live their own lives particularly MIL so it’s just the way it is. I’m not saying this is what’s happening in your case but this is from my perspective anyway.

Well that is a shame, as it sounds like you have made an effort to spend time together.

I generally don’t get on here posters who still see such a separation between both sides of the family after relationships/marriages which are lengthy. My DH is more than happy to give my youngest sibling a lift, I’m more than happy to post birthday cards to my ILs. We both jump in to help either side, not just ‘ours’, because we see ourselves as all family 🥰

Also we’ve been on holiday more times with my PIL over the years than with my family but we don’t feel I can relax. MIL plans everything to the hour, is very anal and insistent on what she wants to do and will pay for the activity for us all so we feel guilt tripped into going, you just don’t get any peace and quiet or time to yourself. I go on holiday to relax and I just don’t find it relaxing when we are with them. If you are saying on here they should spend their time equally, are the type of person who would be happy for them to go off on their own on holiday, or would you expect them to be with you the whole time?

YANBU to be a bit hurt, but YABU to think they have to split their time equally.

Get on with your own life.

I think it’s quite common. My brother spends more time at his in- laws than our parents, even though he admits his in-laws are nutters 😅

I can sympathise as my oldest child is a bit like this. Been with gf 3 years since uni. After uni they lived with me for 6 months before moving to her parents’ where they still are while saving a deposit. Her family aren’t so far away, but like your son, he goes on holiday with them but not us. When they lived with me, they’d visit her family nearly every week. As it is, I’m lucky to see him once every 6 weeks. I’m happy he’s happy, making his own life etc but it does feel like a lot of it is built around what suits her. But hopefully he’ll be with her long after I’m not around any more so pleasing her is more important than pleasing me.

I think you sound a bit overbearing. Back off and let them do what they want to do. Just carry on being nice and welcoming.

I’m afraid @AmyW9 is right for some of us it is pressure though. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with the demands of daily life as it is let alone keep a family member happy who is constantly asking for contact. It may only be once a week for the MIL but for a busy working family if you have more than one parent or grandparent then once a week visit for everyone suddenly leaves you with no time to do anything but go to work, do chores and facilitate everyone else’s needs. It’s unsustainable.

As for the kids spending time with GP alone that’s great if everyone wants it’s but it’s not the solution if they don’t. We allowed our Dd regular visits without us in order to keep the peace but once she got to around 4 she stoped wanting to go. It may come from a good place but it doesn’t make it right. I realise I’m projecting but in our case they just put pressure on a small child instead, why don’t you want to come for tea, come for a sleepover, do you want to go out for the day, here’s a new toy or £5 for your piggy bank. The gestures themselves were all very kind and well meant but behind them all is this underlying expectation of I’ve done x for you so you now owe me x amount of your time. If the thing that was given in the first place wasn’t asked for either it’s bloody frustrating for all involved

My MIL, when she found out that we weren't going to my parents this Christmas but were having the day with friends instead, said "if I had known you weren't going to your mum's we'd have had you here", as if we were a possession being swapped around, not people who had wishes of their own. They aren't.

Secondly, if they've already got one week of AL this year for family, they probably don't want to do more. They'll only have 5-6 weeks free. Invite them next year.

Thirdly, possibly her dad controls her a bit whilst your son is more independent. That's a cause for sympathy, not petty "I want MOOOOOORE" whining.

If they've only been together for 2 years it might be fun for him to have in-laws and may feel he wanting to make friends with them to be able to be accepted as part of their family?

Are you inviting your son and his gf over? And offering them a warm welcome? Reason I ask is my mil doesn't invite us over, she requests and when we go she is preoccupied with other things & doesn't offer food etc so we don't feel welcome, and it's not a relaxing inviting atmosphere.

My MIL used to try and call the shots and get upset we didn’t go over there. The reasons were numerous - they moved 70 miles away and retired. They refused to come to us because “it’s too far”.
We were (and still are) working full time and one of us had a hideous commute, young DCs and they never did anything with them. We’d get there on crappy roads, and the DCs would be expected to be their toys until FIL did his usual eat too much and fall asleep after ignoring them. Why put ourselves through that? Several incidents later, we are totally NC.

Thank you all I appreciate your time and perspective. I was asked about context so will explain a little more. Myself and DH had tough upbringings for different reasons and always wanted our DC to have it different from us. We worked hard to ensure our 3 DS were close and we were as a family. We have been lucky that we have stayed that way.
friends and GFs have always been welcome at ours and the current one is no different.
always invite her when DS is invited out to a meal concert on hols etc. I message her and go for walks with her on our own occasionally. There are no issues around using anything in our house or making food and drink.
We would pay for them both to come away they have to pay to go away with her parents.
I like his GF. Her family have different values to me in regards to how they judge people from different backgrounds and money and status are important to them (although our income and standard of living is similar).
I have not brought my DC up to judge people and to give everyone respect.
I have seen these changes in the way my DS talks recently moving to their way of thinking.
I guess I am sad he seems to fit more with them than me now. I am sad he doesn’t want to come away with his DBs even for a few nights, both look up to him. I am sad our family does not feel as close as it did.
I would never say anything to him or anyone about how I feel or make them feel
uncomfortable about their choice and I would never try to get them to change their minds or put pressure on them to.
I am proud of all my DC and I have made them independent and capable on purpose but just a little sad I guess.
I have a full life and time for me and DH to have some us time at last which we are looking forward to.

Secondly I can't go on holiday with my mil for my own mental health. A short weekend away I can put up with but any longer it's not worth it. She moans about everything, is uptight and sucks all the energy and fun out of everything. The thing that's the worst is she constantly criticises other people's body's. It's awful and I don't want my kids exposed to that. Needed this rant 😆