To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

It's tricky. DD1 and I are close and she seems to be the dominant one in the relationship with her boyfriend, so they spend more time with us than his parents (even though we live further away).

But despite this, I bend over backwards to make her boyfriend feel very welcome and cherished when he's here. I work hard to foster a good relationship just with him, in his own right, and not just as an add-on to DD1.

I think expecting equality on this is idealistic and destined for disappointment. I've got two DS and have likewise built a happy family/good relationship but I still have no expectations that they'd spend time with us over a DP's family when the time comes. We're closer to my parents than my DH's and his sister is closer to his parents than her IL's and this is generally the pattern I've seen around all my life. There are exceptions ofc but it's oft the way and not a reflection on your parenting. Plus I wouldn't expect an adult DC to want to come on holiday with us anyway. It'd be nice if they did but better not to expect and for it to be a nice surprise if they can than expect to be accommodated at all let alone equally. They're living their own lives and don't need an extra rule of having to manage both sets of parents so one doesn't get the hump from comparing investments. If my DS are happy and achieving independence, that would be the main thing.

This is true. It made me think of the old saying:
Your son is your son till he takes him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter the whole of her life.

I know it’s not always the case but there’s definitely a grain of truth in it.

I do understand your feelings, OP, and you can’t help how you feel, but if you come across as needy and demanding I’m afraid you will just push the young couple further away.

You need to trust your son to make his own decisions. You raised him to be independent, capable, and able to think for himself, and this is the point where those lessons matter. Continuing to seek his attention or intervene risks undermining that independence. This phase of parenting is not easy, but it does require stepping back. Letting go is part of the responsibility, even when it’s uncomfortable, and trusting him now gives him the space to move forward in his own way.

How much older is your son than his siblings?

Is girlfriend an only one?

Does she find being with all of your family too much?

So would a holiday with you be you & your husband, your other two sons plus your oldest son & his GF?

If so I can see how that wouldn't appeal.

We always spent more time with my parents.

Husband found them a lot easier to get on with.

Try not to take it personal, but I would suggest asking them if they would go on holiday with you next year, that way you're getting in first without pushing them away.

I think son in laws are often expected to do almost nothing besides show up and not be complete arses. If sons return to their own families the expectations are higher. If the wife comes from a more patriarchal family where the men do bugger all then lots of sons are attracted to it. Basically a lot of them are quite lazy and are very happy to be looked after in someone else’s home.

If the wife is master of the home then she’s more likely to gravitate towards her parents home that is ‘hers’ so she can just crack on. Roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. Most women still take on the majority care especially the mental load of the kids. Why invest a huge amount in people you have a coins toss chance of not keeping a relationship with? The next generation of women seem to be far less likely to make the investment with the in laws.

Twas ever thus. Girls are usually more attached to their parents, and their boyfriends usually want a quiet life.

No, no, no! Let them do their own thing without pressure. It’s ok to point out that they are always welcome to join you on holiday (although that expectation is a bit weird for grown adults), but let them come to you and stop asking.

Op no one can live a life where they must split their time equally between two sets of parents. Sometimes they will make plans with you sometimes they will make plans with her family. Stop keeping a log of when they go to her parents and just concentrate on your times when you see them.

I was like this with my first relationship and the more my parents complained the more time I spent away from them. Not deliberately but because I felt sick immense pressure that it was easier to be with his family who were easy going. I now have a son and am happy for him to spend his time however he chooses but it's always lovely to see him. I know hassling him won't make him want to spend time with me.

Competition is the thief of joy.

The thing to focus on isn't the division of time between two families as an equal slice of the cake. It's your own relationship with your son. Sometimes this has to be accepted on the basis on which it's offered, and can be all the richer for that.

This, in the end, is your choice.

I am a single mother of 3 young adult men. 2 still at University. I am busy now building my own life, friends, hobbies, interests so that they do not feel
obligated to spend time with me in the future. They will still come on holiday with me at the moment, but I try to have a long weekend away with each individually to match our common interests. I have spend my whole life feeling obligated to visit my mother / include her .. I actually found my PIL much easier company when they were alive (and I was still married? My mother is a widow so I think her being alone was a big reason she always want my company .
Dont count up the hours / days your son and his GF spend with each family; that way lies madness. Make the most of the time you do have and maximise the welcome you give them. This is a marathon. Not a sprint …

Absolutely not. Why do people perpetuate this sexist nonsense?

Just try and keep a lid on those feelings OP as otherwise, you'll drive them away. Try to just hold onto that relationship without making it about you.

I'm not suggesting for a moment that you are anything remotely like my MIL, but she made me feel uneasy and never good enough to the point we spent less and less time around her. Now she doesn't have a relationship with her son, (my DH) and subsequently our DC but she wouldn't see any of it as her doing.

💐

You’re going to have to get used to playing second fiddle to her parents from now on. Probably best to accept it rather than kick up a fuss as you can’t win this game.

I’ve 2 adult sons and we try to see them annually as we live abroad but DIL always prioritises spending family time with her mum, even though she doesn’t live nearby either. DIL regularly takes the DGC to her mum’s for a long weekend.

Our son spends more time with his girlfriend’s parents, mainly because her dad is into sports that DS is into. They have a great relationship, always having a laugh together. When I see this I do feel bad for my husband as he’s excluded a bit but I’m happy that he has a good relationship with them. Don’t know how I’ll feel if grandchildren come along!

No one seems to want to admit but the woman’s family usually get priority in marriages/relationships. The only time they don’t is if the woman doesn’t have a close relationship with hers.

I see people saying make sure you have a nice relationship with your daughter in law but it doesn’t really make a difference.

Because it’s true. Why do people continually deny that this happens in most cases?

You have to stop thinking of your DS as an asset that needs to be shared equally. My DS spends much more time with his DiL's family than with us but it doesn't bother me or DH. If we need help or support he will drop everything and come and stay. Be glad for the quality of the relationship you have with him and stop worrying about the hours or minutes.

Not unreasonable a grown up son hasn't got the annual leave to do both holidays. He has chosen the girlfriend's family holiday for any number of very good reasons - he prefers where they're going, they asked first etc. The girlfriend's father being controlling is a bit concerning. Your son may be starting to go along with her family from the fear of what might happen if he disappoints. That might be worth keeping an eye on and raising his awareness of this dynamic and encouraging him to be his own man ... if indeed you think that is the case? Controlling people don't usually loosen their grip unless you take a stand and they'll happily accuse you of being selfish/punish you for not doing exactly what they want.

Personally I only get 4 weeks holiday so to give our family a week each would mean I would be giving up half of my holiday allowance and I wouldn’t want to do that. I’d give it to who asked first or who I preferred to go with.

I hate all the keeping it even narrative as it’s often the couple who gets the short end of the straw by running themselves ragged trying to keep it even. I used to dread Christmas Day as we’d spend 5 hours of it in the car running around trying to please everyone. Once we put ourselves first and stopped trying to keep it even our lives massively improved.

My MIL was like this. Constantly keeping tabs on us and what we did with my parents and expecting everything to be “equal” even though we are fully grown adults and not particularly close to my parents. Things progressed and I’m no contact with her and DH is minimal. I’d watch your stepping here.

It’s not a custody situation and being needy is not going to endear them towards spending more time with you. I would assume you’re probably overthinking it anyway, if they’re just moving in together it’s probably a budgetary issue rather than anything else.

A lot of sons do this, not because they prefer the mil but because they’re lazy and go with the flow, GF is obviously better at organising things with her family, when most DS can’t be bothered.
there is truth in the aul saying “until your Son finds a wife” men are happy where there warm and fed as a lot of them naturally suit themselves first.