To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

Agreed. But I was simply stating the general status quo although obviously, like anything else, it doesn't apply to all men. Is your adult DS married and does he have in-laws?

Quite often they are the problem though - so many of my friends openly admit that they feel their parents should have priority over the in laws because ‘that’s just the way it is’ even if their in laws are lovely and supportive etc

. Even my own mum was livid with me when I spent Xmas with DH’s family as she very much bought into that saying and felt I was being disloyal to the family.

Basically I just think that saying should be retired altogether !!

Obviously I’m not saying the wife should be the main driver in the relationship as of course it should be the son who drives it but there are some women out there that go out their way to exclude the in laws.

A daughter is yours for life, but a son is yours until he finds a wife. Sad but true

Untrue.

Wow, so insightful, no one has said that on this thread yet!

Why do you think it isn't true? Interested to hear other opinions.

So sorry you’re going through this. As a parent to two daughters this is my biggest fear. Sending strength xx

In my experience it isn’t true. I think it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think it can be true that women stay as involved with their family as before marriage & men don't.

But perhaps those men never made that much effort & it becomes more obvious after marriage?

Some really helpful and interesting points raised on here. Thank you for
your time all.
i definitely think this is my over thinking and have given my head a wobble.
I will not share my thoughts with son or GF and be here for them both and invite them to all that we do without taking a no thanks personally.
I think may be I am sad he’s all
grown up as I’ve always enjoyed being part of his life. But he’s a man and is making his own way and I am proud of that.
Heres to the next chapter of our lives and I will try so hard not to be the MIL from hell!!

Well done 'Bossie21', it's not easy to admit to having these feelings, or that we might not be seeing things clearly, but I think you've got things straight in your head now, and hope that given time your son will realise that Mum deserves a look in too. Happy 2026!

Interesting but even if you think it is a self fulfilling prophecy and actively try to not fall in the trap and do as much to stay in contact with your son, it has to be reciprocated by him and his wife/girlfriend. There wouldn't be so many posts like these from MILs and the converse posts from DIL who think their MILs are insufferable and suffocating if it was so easy to get the balance right. Personally I find family dynamics absolutely fascinating. I love OP's last post as well recognising that she is still massively important in his life but she needs to let him go a little bit as he's a man now.

It is reciprocated.

I vowed even before my children were born that I would never be 'that' parent. When we were married, we started going to DH's parents for holidays because by that time, mine had died. That continued until we moved to the same town and took over hosting.

However, hearing MIL talk about 'their turn' to have BIL and SIL and their families made me cringe. I hated the idea that there were competing parents who had 'equal rights' of visits when their own children were grown. I saw how this worked in practice - stressed MIL wanting to create a 'better experience ' when it was 'her turn' (and who actually made Christmas in particular, very difficult for those of us who did turn up because she would spend the time machinating about how she could leave us and travel to see the 'missing one(s) for a small part of a day), families with young children who would have preferred to be at home in familiar surroundings instead of being fussed around after a lengthy journey and parents, not only tired from travelling (and concerned about another lengthy journey home) but also from the constant competition between sleepless children and demanding jobs.

I wanted better for my children. I wanted them to do what was right for their families without worrying about me, I wanted them not not feeling guilty and I wanted them to fully enjoy the time they spend with us - whenever that worked for us all.

So whenever plans are brought up for discussion, my only question is "Does that work for you?" and we fit in. If we feel that we haven't seen them for a while, we go to them - offering to take them out for a meal, for the ones who live close by, and staying in a hotel for those who live further away (and entertaining them in the hotel rather than expecting them to host us). It works for us now (I'm sure it will change as we age) and we spend zero time worrying about what they do with their other family.

For you maybe, I don't think it is common though. You're one of the lucky ones. Keep doing what you're doing.

I think the fact that I have developed a relationship with my DIL separated from the one with my son helps. We also just treat her the same as our sons and don’t do the “turns” thing. We want them to come to us or with us to things because they want to, not because they feel they have to.

You just have to accept that generally children are inherently selfish. You'll love them and do more than they would ever do. The cycle will repeat when they are parents.

@DifferentforgirlsI think you’ve done the smart thing. Creating a loving and separate relationship with your DIL is by far the easiest way to ensure you see your grandkids and your son.

Thank you.

Really common for girls to stay close to their families and boys to drift.
Maybe her family are giving advice as they are helping her with finances.

Try not to take it personally. It might be because they get on with her siblings so feel they have someone their age to hang out with on holiday too. Or maybe the holiday location is more appealing. I’d probably just say it’s sad they can’t make it but you understand and sound excited about their holiday plans so they come round and tell you all about it

I honestly think boys don’t drift.

I don't know why but I think there is often a lot of jealousy on the MILs part from what I can tell. It sounds like you have gone about things the right way. Communication is a massive thing that a lot of families get wrong. Miscommunication and lack of communication. You are winning at communication @Differentforgirls. 👏

I feel for you, OP, I have a young DS. We are way closer to my husband's family than my own, which is very scattered and dysfunctional.

My MIL had two boys and my BIL is lovely but they live in a different city and just can't see his side as much with young children. They do weekly video calls and my MIL is not possessive at all, she gets on really well with SIL's family and doesn't place any expectations on them to come and visit more often. It's how I'd hope to be as a future MIL. I think best you can do is keep investing in a good relationship with your DS and his gf, invite and welcome but without pressure or sulking.

Could just be that they've already committed to the family holiday on her side this year and only have so much annual leave. Invite them to spend next Christmas at yours?

The way I look at it is that I lived with my parents for 23 years and have lived with my husband for 38.

My sons will do the same.

It’s the natural order of things.

However, my husband’s mum is still one of his favourite people (and mine).