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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

285 replies

Bossie21 · 02/01/2026 22:28

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bossie21 · 02/01/2026 22:30

AIBU to think they should share time equally?

OP posts:
Cat1504 · 02/01/2026 22:35

It’s often the way….my DD and SIL spend far more time with us than SILs parents ……doesn’t mean your DS doesn’t love you ….just that he’s going with the flow in the relationship…..and the girlfriend likes to be with her own parents

Newyearawaits · 02/01/2026 22:35

You are over thinking OP.
I honestly don't think that anyone should be auditing time spent with either slde of family.
There will be major trouble ahead if you do

MaltLoaf27 · 02/01/2026 22:36

You don't give his age but assuming he's an adult you're being totally unreasonable. He doesn't have to go on holiday with you, why is this different to holidaying with friends? He probably can't get time off work for both and maybe just preferred to go on this one. Were you really expecting him to continue to holiday with you indefinitely?

MumOryLane · 02/01/2026 22:37

Ah OP as the mum of a very young son this breaks my heart as it'll be me in the future. But such is life. The status quo is normally couples closer to the girl's family and it's not realistic that they have time off and money for 2 holidays witj family and time as a couple. Try not to take it too personally.

SundayGirl86 · 02/01/2026 22:37

Honestly, I wouldn’t overthink it. Maybe they don’t have enough leave, maybe her parents asked first or they’re paying, or going somewhere your son and girlfriend really want to visit, or just that his girlfriend wanted to go. I’d just say that’s fine and that I hope they have a lovely time. If you make a big deal of it you risk pushing him away.

DameOfThrones · 02/01/2026 22:39

Bossie21 · 02/01/2026 22:30

AIBU to think they should share time equally?

You and his girlfriend's parents are not a bag of sweets.

Leave them be, otherwise you'll end up making them feel awkward and pushing them away.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/01/2026 22:39

My Mother in law was like this-used to obsessively compare how much time we spent with my parents and how much time we saw them. She was eaten up with jealousy about it and was such hard work.

Don't be like this! Invite them, tell the you'd love them to come but stop there.

Lifesd · 02/01/2026 22:41

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but unfortunately it is largely the case that the woman’s family take preference (my own experience and anecdotally).

Createausername1970 · 02/01/2026 22:44

You aren't being unreasonable to "think" that. But you are being unreasonable to "expect" that.

I have observed that girls can often be more entwined with their parents, specifically with their mum, than boys. It maybe because parents are possibly more unconsciously protective towards daughters and sons are unconsciously encouraged to be independent.

And as the female of the partnership can often be the driving force behind things like holiday destinations etc., (I know I am) then this situation can arise.

It is upsetting to feel "second best", but I am sure it's nothing personal against you.

PithyTaupeWriter · 02/01/2026 22:49

How are you with his partner? If you’re anything like my MIL, you have made snide comments about his partner, you’ve made negative comments about how they live their lives, he’s ignored them, but they’ve decided they’d rather be around people who are positive towards them. I’m not saying this is definitely you, but it’s worth examining how you talk to and about them.

BettysRoasties · 02/01/2026 22:49

He is an adult not a toy or a bag of sweeties to be shared equally.

He is choosing what he is doing. Unless you honestly believe he is being controlled.

But the amount of Dils who are blamed for their partners pulling away when it’s simply just and I know it hurts poor men having no real interest in making plans with their family is huge.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/01/2026 22:50

They are adults, they can spend their time as they wish. I understand why you feel sad but you cannot expect equal visiting time, just enjoy the time they do spend with you.

How does your son get on with his dad?

BettysRoasties · 02/01/2026 22:51

Also would you feel the same if it was his friends rather than his girlfriend and her family.

If not why?

Florence19 · 02/01/2026 22:51

No advice… slightly back hopping! As I’m in similar situation but it’s with my DD. Sadly, it appears the BF has slowly been brain washing her in subtle ways so it doesn’t get noticed so can’t be challenged, but as her Mum, when you know… you know.
situation has escalated since they moved out in July & had a baby in November. I have only seen my DGD 3 times in 9 wks, they live less than 1 mile away. It’s soul destroying when I was always my DD safe place.

Toiletbrushanswer · 02/01/2026 22:55

But you said it. You taught him to be his own person. And he is being. She isn't. And now she is his nuclear "family" (even if just girlfriend) so if she needs her family then so does he.

Try not to be jealous. He won't be thinking of it in that way

Pinkladyapplepie · 02/01/2026 22:55

Four grown kids two of each, yes my daughters and various partners over the years have spent more time with me than the other persons family, I am very chilled and think that everyone should do what they like, so if we were to all go on holiday no pressure to spend any time together but we always would. My oldest son will come with us without his partner, no judgement, I see that his partner chooses to spend time doing his own thing, no problem at all, and if my son doesn't want to come, also fine. My youngest son will often choose friends or cousins as they maybe doing something more exciting, fine, as long as everyone is happy I'm happy. Please don't make it a competition, that's not fair on anyone.

ShesTheAlbatross · 02/01/2026 22:56

Bossie21 · 02/01/2026 22:30

AIBU to think they should share time equally?

YANBU to feel hurt but you are unreasonable to think they should make sure they split it all out evenly. And if that attitude, or that attitude that you no longer think he’s his “own person”, comes out at all (even subconsciously) it won’t help.

brunettemic · 02/01/2026 22:57

So you taught him to be his own person and now you’re upset he’s doing that?

MissDoubleU · 02/01/2026 23:00

Your DS is not the TV remote. He doesn’t need to spend equal time with each set of parents. Good relationships don’t need everything tallied up and counted. Maybe they preferred the destination her parents are going to, and felt that one week was plenty. Perhaps they don’t have finances for a second holiday when they have a new house to settle into. Perhaps they want to start spending less time with the parents and actually be an adult couple finally.

YABU. If you start demanding equal time like some kind of warped custody hearing you are going to make them uncomfortable. They should want to spend time with you - and it sounds like they do. Let your DS find his feet as a man. He’s trying to fly the nest a little. At least give him a chance to miss you.

Isthisit2025 · 02/01/2026 23:00

Honestly OP you are not being unreasonable at all. You’re hurt. It’s your son. You are invested. You love him.

Unfortunately the quote ‘a daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son till he takes a wife’ is all too true.

BettysRoasties · 02/01/2026 23:02

As an adult did and do you make sure every time you ring your parents you called dh’s? Everytime you just popped in you popped in to his?

Everytime your parents happened to call in, did you make dh ring his parents to call in?

Or did you just live your life and visit each side as and when was good.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 02/01/2026 23:06

Bossie21 · 02/01/2026 22:30

AIBU to think they should share time equally?

Yes. You're unreasonable to expect that

Eenameenadeeka · 02/01/2026 23:09

You said you raised him to be his own person and make his own choices, which he is now doing. Maybe her family do things differently, and more as a group, which is why she's continuing in that way- and bringing him along too. You also said that they have been on holiday with you before, so maybe it's just this year, that they can't do both, rather than that they won't holiday with you at another time.

HighStreetOtter · 02/01/2026 23:11

BettysRoasties · 02/01/2026 23:02

As an adult did and do you make sure every time you ring your parents you called dh’s? Everytime you just popped in you popped in to his?

Everytime your parents happened to call in, did you make dh ring his parents to call in?

Or did you just live your life and visit each side as and when was good.

I don’t think it’s on any woman to tell her partner when to visit or call his parents , that’s on him! The same way for her DS it’s on him, I don’t think the OP is blaming the gf at all.

OP, I get it and am in the same boat but with me it’s Dd who likes spending more time with her bf’s family than us. And sadly they’re the other side of the world so Dd flies out there for months at a time! She’s literally spent 6 months the other side of the world this last year!

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