To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

Oh dear OP, I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for a fall by thinking this way. Sad to say, it's so often the case that the male in a relationship, tends to end up seeing more of his girlfriend/wife's parent than his own. There's an old saying which goes something like, 'a daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son 'til he gets him a wife'. Just be grateful for the time that they do spend with you, and if you take my advice you will put NO PRESSURE whatsoever on them to spend time with you, or point out that they spend more time with her parents, and it's not fair. You are far more likely to continue to receive visits if you keep your mouth firmly shut, and just make them really welcome every time they call in. Make sure that your son always has a key to the family home, encouraging him to pop in and help himself, if he's ever in the area and wants to use the loo, have a cuppa, whatever, and even if he only comes in for 5 minutes, tell him how lovely it was to see him, but don't ever say 'Oh you must stay longer next time', or anything along those lines, as it immediately shows that you are dissatisfied with what he is prepared to offer. Also, I hate to say it, but prepare yourself that in the future, if and when your son has children, you are far less likely to be asked to babysit, than his in-laws, as a mother will almost always favour her own mother for babysitting, advice, etc. It's sad, but I'm afraid does tend to be a fact of life when you have sons.

My sons partners parents are a lot younger than us and a fun couple. My son has been on holiday with them. He also goes to rugby matches with the dad. He still loves us but lives near them now so of course he sees them much more .

Was your question aubu to feel sad about this?

Because if so, no you are not.

I have the same thing with one of my sons. We were incredibly close but now his whole love revolves around his girlfriend's family. They bought a house 5 minutes away from them and an hour and a half away from us. Spent the whole of Christmas and New year with her family. We begged and begged to see them but they were always busy. Eventually they allowed us to go round on Sunday 28 December in the morning. Nothing we can do about it other than keep our mouths shut and be thankful for what we get.

No it’s not on her.

But the op is without thinking maybe blaming the girlfriend and her family for her son pulling away.

When it’s a natural part of growing up becoming an adult and settling down. She talks about equal time spent like his a toy to be shared rather than a human with his own thoughts and feelings.

The way she is thinking is what will sour a relationship with him and his partner if it comes to light.

Please don't start monitoring the time spent...that road will lead to utter misery

Instead just glance over the relationship with her ,how she may feel around you just in case it could be better

One of the many hypocrisies I notice on Mumsnet…the same women who bleat on about ‘equality’ and monitor obsessively the number of drops offs/pick ups/sick days/annual leave/housework their DHs aren’t doing their fair share of suddenly have zero issue with falling back on the traditional stereotype of the female’s side of the family taking precedence.

If your son’s GF is one of those who value true equality, then yes absolutely she should be demonstrating the same degree of respect to you as she demands for her side. And also sharing the driving- my brother GF is a joke, describes herself as ‘an independent woman’ whilst my brother drives her around at 33! How embarrassing- I was on the road aged 18!

As others have said, his life isn't a piece of cake that he has to share out equally.

We're you making sure his girlfriends parents had equal time when they were on holiday with you.

I have 2 adult sons, and sometimes they spend more time with their partners families, and sometimes they spend more time with me, I never really think about it or compare.

I do, however, make sure I have a relationship with their partners as well, we often go for coffee or lunch or to a gig by ourselves and I keeping touch with them separately to my sons.

It's just part of the process of growing up, sometimes they need you and want to be around a lot, other times they are fine and do their own thing.

@SunMoonandChocolate excellent advise ! Esp on the key part and being able to call in unannounced

.

Op does he have a key ? Does he feel complety relaxed at your house eg can he help himself to milk /tea etc without having to ask permission

• also do they have to pay for your hols /with her parents

Probably because the woman’s side taking precedence is only Because girls are taught to prioritise family, to not upset family and to ensure they see family. She’s not demanding she is simply planning things to do with her side.. he’s welcome to do the same.

Men seem not to give a shit about their parents. And it’s their responsibility to ensure they see and care for them. It is not the wife’s job to remind John/James/Harry that they haven’t visited/called his parents in 2 months.

It’s not hypocritical at all to want their husband to do 50% of the housekeeping and child rearing and… also expect him to drive the plans with his own family if he wants to do so.

Oh, to hell with that! Just book a weekend break to Venice by yourself. The Gondoliers have got lovely thighs...

People tend to mock this rhyme on MN but I’ve seen it play out in my long life time and time again. Of course there are exceptions but the general premise seems to hold true.

I feel for you op - it’s so sad when sons neglect their parents like this. Try to stay open and positive. Try to win your DIL over with your easy breezy and charming hospitality (even if it is all an Oscar worthy act). Play the long game.

@ManyPigeons yes and no.
Often girls are more comfortable in their family arnt they and can push back where necessary.

And why do you think that?

He doesn't necessarily prefer her parents, but does prioritise her. As he should if it is a serious relationship.
I'm a boy mum and don't love that it often goes that way, but I'm prepared that it is likely!

The in laws also invited them on holiday first, maybe if you had it would be different but thats life 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Screamingabdabz and sometimes it is isn't it ! An oscar act and you see on here women who thought they got on well with their mils get a text meant for someone else moaning /bitching/berating them
..

Thats untrue. I have many friends who are utterly disrespectful towards their ILs, who they admit haven’t done anything wrong. Point blank refuse to alternate Christmas, etc.

If I was a man having other things counted up and compared constantly, then I’d massively push back on this. I’m raising my son to know that he has equal rights to time with his side of the family. Equality works both ways, not women having everything their own way. Highly immature.

I also hope that if you have a son, you’ll be happy to barely see him in the future? Doubt it.

He probably can't commit to a second holiday so quickly as he has already committed to one. They all cost money.

Maybe next year if you get in first.

Normal. Imagine it hurts. Haven’t got there yet. Watch the Beckhams and learn. It’s very dangerous territory.

Yet if a woman suddenly disowned her parents and started spending all her time with her husband’s parents, he would be labelled abusive and controlling on here. He would be vilified for isolating her. But no issue when it’s Nicola driving this eh?

YABU. It's the way of the world and if you try to push it, you'll push him even further away. Honestly, you sound a bit smothering. So does the girlfriend's father, but that isn't really your problem.

Don’t play pick me with them, live your life Op. Every time you include them it should be an invitation not a summons.

Unfortunatley I’ve seen this happen in my own family and many others. I have two ds and won’t be having another.

People will try and say it’s not the case but that’s what I’ve experienced. The maternal grandparents are normally closer to the dgc too.
Personally it’s one of the reasons I would have loved a dd alongside my ds.

I weirdly spend more time with my in-laws than my family despite the fact I’d rather not because dh wants to and I respect that.

I do however call my parents for chit chat I wouldn’t call his unless an emergency.

l actually get panicky if I see their number calling thinking something terrible must of happened to someone so I don’t ever ignore their calls like I would my own family 😅