To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

Looking at my own family, I think once children are in serious relationships they do tend to spend more time with the girl's parents than the boy's, and that is likely to become even more obvious if their relationship continues to the point where they have children.

Don't worry about it and certainly do not become competitive. Just make sure your home is a loving place where they enjoy to spend time and are always welcome, and you will get to see them.

You need to let this go and stop concerning yourself with how much time they’re spending with each set of parents before grandchildren come along or you’ll drive yourself mad and them away completely.

Of course they don’t have to make sure they spend equal time with you and its quite usual for the woman in a relationship to spend more time with her mother than her MIL, and for the man to ‘go with the flow’ as another poster said.

You sound lovely and like someone who makes an effort with both of your parents. I’m sure both sets of parents value their relationship with you greatly.

‘A daughter is a daughter all your life a son is a son till he finds a wife’

6 children , 2 girls and 4 boys.
The girls definitely call the shots in their relationships in our family, with regard to Christmas, holiday /weekend preferences -but I’d say that’s largely because we are quite invested with them in terms of the grandkids (despite still working full time and having a busy life ourselves lots of travel etc) more so than the other side -retired but sedentary and distant.
With the boys a mixed bag
The eldest two I think by and large divide time equally - no kids but I can see with one, his lovely girlfriend is so close to her mum and dad that if they have a family they will probably move closer - about 360 miles away
the other son- constant battle for him as DW doesn’t want to spend time with his family or friends only hers - which of course is their business- but a constant battle for him I think to crowbar us in and makes him very sad

My mil doesn’t like me so I wouldn’t go that far 😅

You sound very demanding. You’ll drive them away if they know you’re thinking like that. The daughter is arranging things with her family. Your son is not arranging things with his (you). That’s on him, not her. He should make plans with you, that is not her job. My partner is the same, maybe it’s a male thing. We wouldn’t see his family for weeks on end unless I tell him we haven’t seen them all week, we therefore should pop over to theirs for an hour or so. Daughters naturally have a close relationship with their mothers, I’d see mine every day if I could, whereas once a week or less is enough for my partner to see his - he doesn’t have the same attachment.

“AIBU to think they should share time equally?”

Yes you are, OP. It depends on lots of things - geography being one of them, and the fact that girls often prefer to spend time with their mother rather than their MIL, where boys don’t seem to mind so much. My DS spends far more time with his DW’s family because they live much closer to them than to us, and his DW is a lovely family girl who is close to her own DM and DSis. It’s just the way it is. Someone upthread complained about women “wanting to have it all their own way” - I really don’t think that’s the case. I do think, though, that people who impose their “turn” on the DC, eg for Christmas etc are being unfair - what if they want to spend it at their home without either set of parents? What if one side of the family suffers a bereavement - must “turns” be rigidly observed? As for the OP, the only person you will upset if you try to guilt your DS into spending equal time with both sets of parents is yourself, because there may be all sorts of reasons for why they’ve decided not to - the holiday thing may be due to limited annual leave, for example. Don’t be the MIL from hell - you’re far more likely to see them if you let them come on their own terms.

A lot of men are like this. They simply view their birth family as temporary family till they find a partner.

I think a lot comes down to personality. I loved the parents of one my bfs; they were so much more fun than my own. I would have happily have been the dil there. I just fell out of love with the son.

Dh's dad though.... what a fucking trial he was. We saw him as little as possible.

I've tried to make family live fun for our dc , so they end up choosing us. But who knows? What i think is fun, the dc might actually hate.

I don't think it is always gender lines either. My dad chose to live v close to him mum and saw her all the time. Worked well for us- we spent loads of time with both GPS.

My DH calls his parents a couple of times a week but hasn’t seen them for four years due to geography. They live five minutes away from their daughter and see her every day.

My MIL was quite jealous when we settled on the other side of the world from them and complained that as we were in my home country my Mum would get to see me allllll the time. As both my parents died when I was a teenager that’s not true! Her early attempts to ‘win back’ her son did little for her relationship with either of us.

YANBU to feel sad but YABU to think that they need to split their time equally. Point scoring is silly. Don’t compete with her parents and don’t make her the problem. Don’t emotionally blackmail them or use guilt, it will push them away.

If you want to see them more you have to make sure that it’s an enjoyable experience for her. You can take it for granted that it will be enjoyable for your son because he already loves you! Make her feel welcome, offer to help, be reliable etc. It helps if your son is proactive in planning things too.

One of the many hypocrisies I notice on Mumsnet…the same women who bleat on about ‘equality’ and monitor obsessively the number of drops offs/pick ups/sick days/annual leave/housework their DHs aren’t doing their fair share of suddenly have zero issue with falling back on the traditional stereotype of the female’s side of the family taking precedence.

That's a very good point.

Would you feel the same if they committed to your holiday but not the girlfriend's parents?

YANBU but it’s for the couple to decide that for themselves.
Sounds like your son simply cannot be arsed.

Aww yano what I don't think YABU to want equal time, I know I would and it would hurt me if my DS seemed to prefer his in-laws to me. I'd never ever raise it as an issue though but it would secretly hurt me ( I'm not saying you've raised it as an issue )

It's more likely that he's just going along with what his girlfriends plans, loads of men do don't they.

Are you close with the girlfriend? Are there some things you could do to have a closer relationship with her?

I know with my sister, the only reason her husband sees his parents is because my sister is the driving force behind it. If it wasn't for her he wouldn't make an effort with his parents, not because he doesn't like them, it's just the way he is. He hasn't seen his sister for easily a year

Unless it’s the same poster displaying this contradictory view it’s not hypocrisy.
Different women have different opinions - shocker!

And there is nothing hypocritical about insisting your partner share the domestic load while thinking you cannot force an adult child
where to spend their time.

Your post is pure sexism.

Why is the GF responsible for how the son chooses to not spend time with his family?

HIS family is HIS responsibility.

Ensure you are somewhere they want to be. No nagging, constant questions etc. more importantly embrace her as a daughter. Message her and ask her about whether they want to come on holiday, come over to visit etc. If she feels welcome and accepted then they’ll come. If you invite her and not go through him, they’ll come.
We live 10 min walk away from my mil. She refuses to text me or send invites through me. My dh (her son) doesn’t reply to messages and is too busy thinking of other things. Whenever we go over there it’s because I have told him to arrange it. It’s not that he doesn’t love his mother or that he doesn’t want to see her it’s that he just doesn’t think about it.

I voted YANBU to "Am I being unreasonable to be a little hurt"; your question in your first post. But when you added the second post asking "AIBU to think they should share equally?", I changed my vote to YABU.

It’s really not unless you think women are responsible for maintaining their male partner’s relationship with his family.

Which is sexism.

But she's not your MIL, so you're making a bit of a leap here by suggesting it.

i disagree. It’s not falling on stereotypes it’s that mother in laws won’t talk to their dil. If op texted an invite to her dil chances are they would come. Men just don’t prioritise visiting people to keep a relationship going. Not because they are being unkind but because they done think about it.

I do think it’s important to make an effort to getvto know the partner and be positive and welcoming.

Yes I remember when I was younger I would always go to Christmas with my ex. I was an only child with divorced parents so Christmas with his family was like the Christmases I never had! So much more fun!

So it might not be sexism is could just be that they’re more fun, which isn’t much better for OP though

And from another pp:
it’s that mother in laws won’t talk to their dil. If op texted an invite to her dil chances are they would come.

There have been multiple OPs about MILs who contact their DILs to make arrangements, with the DILs complaining about it and saying that they're not their DH's PA and their MIL should speak to him rather than add to their mental load.

Surprise surprise. MILs can't win.

Mumsnet has made me so grateful to have DDs. Fortunately I'm only a MIL to young men, who are chilled and undemanding of me.