To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

Hi I have 2 sons and always feel we are 2nd choice though I think things are changing.
Don't show your disappointment just go with the flow. They are probably just finding their feet and will come around eventually.

Couples don't always have to do everything together though.

He could see his parents whilst she sees hers for example.

A son’s a son until he gets a wife - sadly true with my family.

Although it’s not true with our gay son and his husband.
(Also see: Brooklyn Beckham, Prince Harry and Adam Peaty).

When did they go on holiday with you? Was it last year? Maybe they are alternating holidays with both families.

If they both work this could have something to do with annual leave allowances rather than personal relationships. They might not want to commit all of their holiday days to family holidays so soon in the year, until they've worked out where else they want to take time off.

Sadly I think this is the case so often.

We spend lots of time with my in-laws because they’re genuinely lovely, welcoming people and there’s no pressure, I have so many friends who have to put up with what you’ve described though.

My brother and his wife definitely see my parents much more than hers, but they are geographically closer and also more able to help with childcare etc. I think when children arrive those are usually the more deciding factors than maternal vs paternal side.

But ultimately just making sure you are welcoming and friendly, don’t pile on pressure… I have a son and I’m determined not to do any of the annoying MIL stuff so many of my friends have to put up with.

Similar happens in my relationship - but it's just because I bother to plan time with my family, whereas he doesn't with his. I learned many, many years ago to let him deal with his family, as I have enough mental load as it is. His parents may not be happy at how much we see them, but the ball is firmly in his court to make plans on that score.

Perhaps it's similar in their relationship, and it's just a bit of laziness creeping in on his part, and he's just not planning the visits?

Do you actively try to plan things, or are you just sitting and waiting to be visited? Plan a meal out or something, or a day trip? Trip to the theatre?

I've had lots of people in the past say to me oh, x, y or z don't bother with us - but on closer examination there's been no effort from their side, either.

OP, you said that you had spent your life investing in your family… well, now is the time to invest in yourself! Dedicate the majority of your time, energy and effort onto yourself and let your son do what he wants. Pick a holiday that you want that suits you best not the family; hobbies; go out with your mates, etc etc. You’ll be so much happier and you won’t care how much time your son spends with his in-laws @Bossie21

I think its often said that in couples they will see more of the woman's family as she will perhaps feel more driven to maintain bonds with her own family and the guys goes a long with that. In out case we actually live about 5 minutes from DH's parents and probably see them a bit more often and DH pops in on his own a couple of times a week to walk his parents dog and see them. I only see my own parents about once or twice a month as they live in another town about 7 miles away, but when we do see them we spend a longer block of time there. My brother lives on the same street on them and sees them everyday. So I think it does depend.

Another couple of things I've noticed about IL/child dynamics:

1. ILs always assumed that a cordial relationship exists with the other side, and that equality is desirable. My MIL always refers to me visiting my mum's, when actually it's my dad I want to see, my mum drives me mad. We're moving closer to them not because I want my mum to have a closer relationship with my kids, but my dad. We also love their area, whilst where we live is riskier for kids growing up.

2. IL relationships can be trickier because women can tend to be more independent than men earlier on. It gives me the ick seeing MIL run around my husband, his brother and FIL, and I don't like her acting "mum" to me either. My mum doesn't treat me or my husband like children.

So even when my MIL is completely objectively a nicer person, it's still a tricky relationship because she is forever seeing things that aren't there.

My son and his girlfriend (both 22) have come on holiday with us for the last 3 years- last year they also went on holiday with her family and this year they are only going away with her family as they are also saving to buy a house (his gf didn’t want to go at all as would rather put it towards a house but my son really wants to go as had such a good time last year) there holiday pics from last year do look like they had more fun with them tbh as there was no “kids” there
We have younger children- early teens so although it will be weird him not being there it also means I don’t have to consider what suits 2 more adults- just what we want to do as a 4.
A bit different for me though as my son’s girlfriend lives with us. I don’t see a lot of them though as they are either working, out in his car or watching a film in his room they don’t really come and sit with us except the odd 10 mins
I agree with others that maybe he wants to save some of his holiday entitlement for other things- maybe even a solo holiday? My stepdaughter didn’t come away with us the last 2 years even though she was invited as she preferred a couples holiday

When I was was a young adult I did NOT want to holiday with my parents. Are they being paid for, maybe that’s it?

I have 3 dc and been married for 10 years. Initially I tried to encourage my dh to visit his dm and df regularly etc. we live near my parents his are 10 mins away. As kids and life has come along I have taken the pressure off myself to make him do xyz for/with his family as it is is responsibility. I make sure I organise and visit with my own i will go with him and kids to see his parents but its up to the adults to maintain relationships and not blame their partner. The other issue ive always had was dmil would come to visit late in the evening normally in the middle of dinner and stay for hours on end so dc would be tired etc and eventually I would just continue our Normal routine whether she's there or not. She's a very kind woman but she's absolutely forgotten how busy life is with a young family and thinks that just because she visited her dmil every Sunday that we should do the same and thats just not how our lives hobbies kids activities work so I refuse to let it affect our days.be careful op that you don't get in the way of a healthy relationship for years to come with your son and his dp by forgetting what it's like when you're young and busy.

Its not, OP has already said that.

Yes I’ve got friends who are the same and go out their way to make it so difficult for their DH’s family to have any involvement in their lives and will be so moody with their husband whenever the in-laws are over. Although always quite happy to take any financial help from the in laws !!!

As a mother of boys, this thread is so very depressing - mums on here get slated for saying they are disappointed to be having a boy but is it any wonder when you see all the comments stating that awful saying ‘a sons a son until he takes a wife…’ and openly saying it’s just the way it is that the mum’s family will be closer with Gc etc

I just wanted to add that growing up as a child our family spent more time with my Dad’s parents. And I had a better relationship with them than my mum’s parents. Yes they lived a bit closer, but mainly it was because we knew we could drop in any time and be welcomed. The atmosphere was more relaxed, more welcoming, more loving.
I have a son and I hang on to this as an example- although who knows what the future will bring.

A sons a son until he takes a wife, a daughters a daughter all of her life. I’m afraid this saying rings very true. My husband very rarely see his family unless I arrange it. I see mine almost daily.

My husband very rarely see his family unless I arrange it. I see mine almost daily.

Why do you feel the need to arrange it?

I arrange to see my DH’s family. Not because I feel the need to, but because I like them!

This resonates so much with me, except it was how my Mum behaved towards DH. Unless you knew her very well you wouldn't necessarily detect her dislike of DH. But she showed it to me in a hundred oh-so-tiny poisonous ways. It was the inflection in her voice, the side glances, the deliberate pauses in conversation. She counted it a minor victory if she could manage to leave our house without saying goodbye to DH, for example.

We'd been very close when I was growing up, but her behaviour dismantled much of our relationship and though I still loved her, I lost much of my respect for her.

It's why I work hard at fostering a positive relationship with DD1's partner and always make a big fuss of him when we meet up (which is very easy as he's adorable).

Yes that’s another good point- I too have a friend who has never had a good word to say about her ILs, but happily accepted a substantial amount of money from them. This enabled them to buy a bigger property, which she has then refused to let them stay in overnight, and demanded they pay to stay in an Air B n B. I was stunned- how incredibly ungrateful!

My suggestion would be to set up a clear routine with the ILs as the more ad hoc arrangement is no longer working - mainly because they are being idiots. Just set up something that works for you for example dinner on Tuesday or coffee on Saturday morning. Be really really straight with them about when they can and can't come around. Short term slightly bruised feelings are better than long term taking the piss x

Yes you can be hurt and it's not unreasonable to feel that but you ARE unreasonable to insist/ask/control that he split time equally between the two. His choices are his choices, book an amazing holiday, check its the kind where you can ad 2 on easily ideally (e.g. an air bnb with spare spot or an area that always has some kind of space) or alternatively use up the spare budget and book a super holiday assuming he won't come. Be grateful he has added to his world with some great in laws (lots have horrid in laws and feel sad about it, and don't get any support). It's natural to feel jealous and a bit sad/competitive but you can't lay that at his feet or emotionally manipulate him to change his plans. Let him do what is best for him. If you love him let him fly etc etc. He'll come back as you've built solid foundations and you love each other, he won't come back if you start a row about this, it'll push him further away. Keep inviting them, keep reaching out, keep supporting but don't force it,it's a new stage of life and it'll take a while to level out but it'll happen.

Came to say exactly this.
Im not surprised by the amount of disappointment people feel when they’re expecting a boy!

I am always amazed by posters saying daughters will keep in touch with their parents and sons won't just because of their sex. This hasn't been my experience at all. My OH calls his mum every day and visits as often as he can. My parents looked after my brother's kids part-time. It is a sexist and old fashioned generalisation. It also seems like a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy or a convenient excuse to not look at what might be some of the reasons behind what is happening.