To feel sad my adult son prefers his girlfriends parents to his own

[Bossie21]

i thought we were a close family, I have spent my life investing in raising my children and building what I thought was a close family.
my eldest son has been with his girlfriend for just over 2 years, she is nice, spends time at ours and comes out with us and has been a holiday with us. My son has done the same with her family.
they born still live at home but are moving in together at the end of January.
I have noticed over the last 6 months they have started spending most of their time at her parents house and can’t make decisions without her dad agreeing. I have always taught my children to make their own choices and be their own person. I don’t feel he is now.
they have booked a holiday for a week with her parents this year. I have just asked if he is coming on our annual family holiday (i
book 2 weeks but happy for them both to
come for some or all) and he’s said they can’t commit so don’t boom them a space. I am very upset they can commit to her parents but not us.
Am I right to feel a little bit hurt?

I don't know if this has already been said but my mum always says ' your daughter is your daughter for life. Your son is your son until he takes a wife' or girlfriend in your son's case. Its pretty normal isn't it?

We see my side far more

This is because my DH does not make an effort to make arrangements with his family. If he did I would happily go, but I am not the family PA. Funny that I get the blame though and not him.

That’s quite a sexist saying.

Don’f worry, it’s only been said approximately 15 times on this thread!

I don't recognise it either. My brother was always incredibly close to our mum, as are all my male cousins. DH maintains a relationship with his mother even though I don't, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I agree with you @foxpillow. It's a) a sexist trope and b) easy and convenient to blame the DiL rather than for PiLs to examine their own relationship with their son.

Women have always been easy and convenient scapegoats and tend to get the blame for a lot - not least the behaviour of men as well as their own.

Always is.

Very tedious.

😂😂😂i'm always late to the party.I just couldn't be arsed to read about 15 pages.

Yes it is. But it has honestly been my experience and obviously that of numerous other posters on this thread. Time and time again I've seen the male side of a partnership gravitate far more towards his wife/girlfriend's family than his own. It's rarely the other way round. I believe there are various reasons for this but the main one being that women are far more likely to maintain/nurture familial relationships than men. I also think women in general are happier with their own mother's looking after their children than their mothers in law, thus reinforcing more engagement with that side of the family.

True though.

He doesn't prefer them to you, he's a young man who wants to spend his time with his gf, and she will be spending time with her parents so that means so will he.
Please don't get jealous and sour the relationship. In the early days DH spent more time with my family as that's what I was doing but years later we spend more time with his naturally as I've grown apart from mine with age and experience. Which wouldn't have happened if my PIL had been all jealous and possessive back in the early days and scared me away.

I thought this was quite common? I have a son whose gf parents are just awesome, lovely people and a daughter who thinks hers are a pain in the neck. Oh and very in her life too! Good job I don’t mind. It’ll settle, maybe they put on a show when son is around? Don’t worry.

Then men need to step up, instead of leaving it to women, especially when women are the ones who get blamed.

I have an adult DS, and he spends at least as much time with us as anyone else. That’s because he makes the effort.

And when that isn’t happening, we should stop and ask the real question: why doesn’t our adult DS want to make that effort? Why is he happy seeing more of his in-laws?

Just because lots of people repeat a saying, it doesn’t make it true. The implication behind the saying is that a man is controlled by his wife.

And actually, if a person is raising sons with the attitude that “your daughter is your daughter for life. Your son is your son until he takes a wife”, that parent is probably part of the problem.

Personally I don't think that is the implication at all. In my experience it is because men are too lazy/disorganised to prioritise time with their own families and when kids come along women naturally want to spend more time with their own families so its never going to be equal. The best you can hope for is a good relationship with son and partner so that you actually get to see them some of the time. I've got boys and I'm fully expecting to be treated the way my mum has been but I wont be holding it against them either.

And parents raising daughters who say the same thing are also part of the problem

I don’t agree. The daughters in this context are not the problem, because they are not the ones who are not seeing their family. It is the men.

I don’t think it is true.

@GreenPoms I quoted that up thread and I believe it is generally true. I have a daughter who has to ‘remind’ her husband to call his Mum. Constant prompting for everything Mum/sisters (he has 3) related. He initiates nothing himself.

I have a son too. I am the bottom of his pile. If he were to have a girlfriend/wife I doubt he would ever be in touch himself. I have raised both my kids with the same values. I would even go so far to say that I have pandered more to my son growing up than my daughter.

I also have two brothers who didn’t bother with our Mum. I have seen it time and time again and not just in my family.

I find it interesting when people say daughters tend to stay closer to their families. I think because its said a lot it becomes an accepted truth even when its not. When men are close to their families it isnt seen as proof the rule is wrong- just they are an exception. But when I look at the families I know there are just as many exceptions as the ones that follow the rule.

I'd say I'm closer to my partners family than mine. What struck me in the OP was when she said "we're close" my mum would say this too- but for her its much more an apperances thing. She likes being able to tell everyone what a close relationship she has with her kids and doesnt that make her a great person. When you actually look at what is going on, it isn't the case at all.

I think rather than looking at it as a competition, or closeness, OP should actually decide what she wants to happen. If you want them to come round- invite them; if you want to go on holiday- suggest it. But do it proactively- not you've done it with the IL so we want our share.

I think it also becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. I am fairly close to my in laws, they are lovely people. However they make far more time for SIL than they do for us, invite her for more special occasions etc, I think on the assumption that we’ll be busy with my family (we’re usually not!). It’s like they just took for granted that DH would distance himself after marriage (probably because they’ve heard that ridiculous saying so many times 🙄), and ended up distancing us instead.

Of course they could just prefer spending time with SIL than with us, which is fine, but any distance is entirely created on their part, not DHs. It actually makes him a bit sad!

It all boils down to if the male can be arsed.

Can he be bothered to arrange to go.
Can be bothered to send that text or make that phone call.

Were as visiting her family is his partner saying I’m going to mums you coming? Dads offered to pay for a holiday should we go? I’ll sort the details.

Holiday example if he answered instantly no they had either talked in advance on the possible or he couldn’t even be bothered to talk to her about it.

I think they are either the type of man who cares and can be bothered or the type who only appears when it’s to their benefit or they have no better offers.

But as always it’s easier to blame the person who you didn’t raise as you then have to see their faults.

Plus why take a day off from blaming women for men being a bit shit. 😅

Men in general don’t both as much as women socially. DH makes far less of an effort with his friends and family than I do with mine and as a result we see far less of his friends and family. I stopped doing Christmas presents for them years ago and as a result they only very occasionally get a rather random gift off DH. He just doesn’t care! I’m sure his family place the blame on me but I refuse to do the entire mental load.

It’s okay to be hurt. But it can’t be 50/50 all the time. If they stay together then time will be shared across a lifetime. They can’t holiday with you and with the inlaws every year forever - they wouldn’t have any time for their own holidays!

this transition is hard for you but make this time about celebrating his independence and achievements (a nice relationship, a new home) and not about you. This will play out better for you in the long run.