My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

See, I hate this shit. I understand why people are completely overwhelmed with love after a struggle to have children, but it doesn't mean they need to make others feel less.

@Puffalicious - I totally agree with you. I’m sure the woman being discussed feels like her CJ old is extra special and precious and that’s her prerogative - I adore my own children too. But it’s the making people feel less that really gets my back up - it’s not the adoration of her child (normal) it’s the ‘you can’t love your child like I do/ you’ll never know how this feels/ you’ll never know a love like this’ attitude - it feels superior and by virtue - you are lacking as a result. Everyone thinks their children are amazing, as they should.

She sounds like an enormous twat, and I would openly raise my eyes to heaven, to her face, if I really couldn't avoid her.
She's an idiot.

Yes, exactly this. ^

100% this. ^

That sucks your friend did that. It must really hurt. Regardless of the reason. Im sorry that you have to experience this.

Tell her it’s nice that she emotionally loves her baby more, as that will compensate for the fact that you physically love your baby more, like on a cellular level such that your body chose to make sacrifices to nourish and grow that little baby without medical intervention, and your glad she’s able to make up that love in another way.

That’s obviously ridiculous, but so is her position.

Oh and I’m someone who has miscarried and been trying for a baby for over five years and has given up on the idea of a natural conception - but I’m under no illusion that I’ll love any baby I do have more than the average mother loves her baby.

Can I be controversial possibly here and say she’s actually envious of the fact you didn’t have to struggle to conceive, and this is how she justifies to herself that her path was actually better / more worth it in the end because she has a special bond you won’t ever have? It’s a really bonkers thing to think, let alone say, but as someone with fertility struggles I can confirm it can push you to the limits of your behaviour and sanity. Those comments would seriously grate on me but remind yourself that’s the likely source. I’ve had surgery and some low moments with fertility struggles - I’ve broken down to friends and my other half - but thankfully not yet swiping crazy remarks to women with children (and frankly can’t imagine what it would take to get me to that point…)

I was thinking this.

Basically ‘it was worth the struggle because I love my baby more now’. Not true, but a way of coping. Otherwise you’re reminded of the unnecessary heartbreak to have a child, when everyone else just did it.

Maybe it didn’t even meet her expectations in the end, who knows.

I’ve had IVF. My friends love their children just as much as I love mine.

"You know people are laughing behind your back when you say things like that, right?"

Or

"Oh no, I definitely love mine more because s/he was conceived NATURALLY. You just can't have the same emotional connection to a baby that was created in a lab".

That’s just horrible. There’s no need to try and outdo her by making a really cruel comment.

That's disgusting! Whether you're joking or not, what a stupid and insensitive thing to say on here! Most of the comments to the OP have been from a compassionate place but also telling her the cousin is wrong, this is just vile!

Jesus christ!!

I hope you told her she was talking utter crap?

Nobody ever has the same experience as anyone else.

Straight up ask her. "Hey Sis, do you genuinely believe that you love your child more than other mothers because you went through IVF?"
Then sit quietly and wait while she justifies herself. Don't say anymore, just let her stop and think about it.

This attitude is awful and exactly why OP’s cousin is coming off like a massive twat.

Women who haven’t gone through IVF aren’t “popping babies out” like it’s nothing. Your baby is no more special than mine who wasn’t born breathing and needed revived, or my friend who nearly died in childbirth, or another friend who finally had her baby after multiple miscarriages and a still birth. Not to mention everyone’s post-natal difficulties.

Everyone has their struggles. Life is hard.

God almighty!

some people are twats ad say twatty things. Ignore.

I'M telling her the cousin is wrong! And suggesting how she might get it across to her - by saying something equally ludicrous back to her, which might make her see the point.

Jesus

I also think it might be envy. I went through infertility, I couldn't conceive a child naturally and had one cycle of IVF, which failed due to me having no eggs anymore. (We adopted our 2 DDs in the end.)

My SIL, who has 5 DC and kept getting pregnant whilst I was infertile, told us that we shouldn't do IVF because of the ‘spare embryos’ (there weren’t any as it turned out).

It's a harrowing thing to go through, and it's easy to end up with a ‘chip on your shoulder’ about women who have no difficulty getting pregnant. It can feel like a competition.

I never said anything similar to the OP’s cousin when DD1 came into our lives, or even thought it, but then again I don't know what it feels like to come through IVF with a healthy baby. So I can’t know how I would have reacted in those circumstances.

But I do know how traumatic infertility can be and how it can mess with your head.

I think she's showing how hurtful and thoughtless the cousins comment was.

It is a bit silly, like i woudnt wish the pain of infertility on anyway and i have been through secondary infertility myself. I bawled crying when my test was positive after ivf , and kept crying all day . With my first pregnancy I was shocked but not as emotional, that one was easily conceived . I don’t love my second child more than my first though and I don’t feel like I love my children more than anyone else loves theirs.

Vile isn’t it, what kind of person would even think to say that

Pales in comparison