My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

I dunno. My first DC was born via IVF after around 4 years of infertility. Do I perhaps appreciate them after all disappointment and heart ache each month? Maybe. During that pregnancy, was i thankful every single day for this opportunity to finally be a mum? Definitely.

Do I love them more than surprise baby that arrived a few years later? No absolutely not. Do I love them more than I expect any parent to love their kids? No.

However, i cannot describe that feeling of holding DC1 safely in my arms after all those years of hurt. Im not saying that they are more special or more loved than any other child but, god that moment could bring me to tears now when I think of it. Maybe thats how they feel?

You articulate brilliantly what I couldn’t.
It’s the added trauma speaking. Everyone handles it differently and it doesn’t make the way your cousin is behaving any less annoying but perhaps understanding it may help you deal with it.

Neither can she though. So she can’t know that her love is any different either.

I dunno. My first DC was born via IVF after around 4 years of infertility. Do I perhaps appreciate them after all disappointment and heart ache each month? Maybe. During that pregnancy, was i thankful every single day for this opportunity to finally be a mum? Definitely.

Do I love them more than surprise baby that arrived a few years later? No absolutely not. Do I love them more than I expect any parent to love their kids? No.

However, i cannot describe that feeling of holding DC1 safely in my arms after all those years of hurt. Im not saying that they are more special or more loved than any other child but, god that moment could bring me to tears now when I think of it. Maybe thats how they feel?

However, this isnt something i verbalise to others. I'd never dream of saying to friends or family that I must love my kids more than them, because of what it took to get them. I'd fully expect any parent to love their kids as much as I love mine, even when they are doing my head in! 😁

And vice versa one presumes

There are a fair few bitchy comments here, unless you’ve been in that situation yourself, it’s hard to understand how it feels. I tried for ten years for my child with many losses, ivf and heartache, we thought it would never happen, whilst everyone around planned to get pregnant that year and popped kids out without a care in a world. When the likelihood of having a child is so low, it really is a miracle and something extra special and that stays with you

Nobody is disputing or diminishing that, but surely you know that you don’t love your child any more than the rest of us love ours?

What on earth is bitchy about calling out someone who thinks their child is more special or loved than others, purely because of how they were conceived? It’s actually fucking awful to think that in my view.

Everyone has their issues and if you think people just pop out babies without a care in the world then you are lacking in any understanding of other peoples lives

i’m sorry your journey to motherhood was so hard but that doesn’t diminish others struggles

But saying things like they ‘popped kids out’, whilst yours is a ‘miracle’ and ‘extra special’ is exactly what rubs people up the wrong way.

OTOH, I think I’d prefer to pop ‘em out and be able to have kids when I fancy, so I get giving people grace. I don’t think it’s worth going through that shit just to love my child slightly more (whatever that means).

Still annoying though.

I am sorry for anyone who struggles, and delighted for those who end up being successful. If this woman was simply saying "I love my kid so much, I could never imagine, etc etc" no one would would have anything much to say. Alternatively perhaps she could express herself like an adult and say that she is sure her feelings to her child are intensified because of her former difficulties.

Its the implication that she loves her child more than other people do which is so crass. Even if you felt that way (and I bet a fair few people do), saying it out loud to another mother is a very bitchy thing to do.

I'm sure the child in question will become an insufferable teenager just to fuck with her

I had a miscarriage, stillbirth, a rainbow a then a suprise. When I had my rainbow I did feel like your cousin, and every day I feel thankful because I just didn’t think, after 3 years of trying, that we would ever bring a baby home. I don’t love my rainbow more than my last baby, but I don’t think I’d have the same gratitude if I’d fallen pregnant quickly and not had losses, because for years it felt out of reach, and I thought I’d never be a mum. But of course I’ll never know.

I feel a bit like this. Not that after 10 years of trying my child is more special (he is no more special than any other child) but that my gratitude may be more conscious, because of all the tears I cried year after year waiting and hoping.

This is so beautiful to read and I just wondered, does this still show as your children get older and move through the various stages of childhood and adolescence? Do you feel more adoring or protective of one?

Not remotely, I think that's why having my daughter helped me feel better about it all and see the trauma in it. Because I love them both to the ends of the earth and appreciate them for the very different individuals they are. I couldn't love either of them more.

I don’t think I would say anything, even though it’s annoying.

Couldn’t let this bother me personally. Everyone think the love they feel for their child is special and unique

There is always one who does competitive parenting. I have all boys and I am frequently being told how difficult it is to parent girls and that I have NO IDEA about how traumatic and expensive it is to have girls instead of boys.

Mind you that's not as bad as the mum who very seriously talks about how she has to take extra precautions to make sure her dc don't get kidnapped because they are so beautiful. Apparently it's not something I have to worry about. Thanks for that.

All children are equally precious. I adore mine equally, the one who took a year of trying, the one who turned up by accident and the one who i nearly died giving birth to.

Not quite the same, but similarly bizarre.

When discussing whether to have a 3rd child mil told me that I didn't need to, not like SIL (her daughter).

Sil had 2 daughters and ended up with a 3rd one.

I have one that I never thought would happen and then one that just popped out (though I promise it's never without a care in the world - there's no very easy way to make and birth a new human!). The experiences were very different, and are still with me, but they are both extra special miracles, like every other baby in the world. I actually felt a much more immediate and classic 'surge' of love for DS2, perhaps because the journey there, and my feelings at the point of birth, were so much less complicated. With DS1 I would describe it more as disbelief as I held him and I immediately worried whether he was ok. With DS2 I immediately knew he was perfect and everything about it felt completely and utterly blissfully right. But that made not a jot of difference to my love for them ultimately.

How irritating. Maybe you should just tell her straight that we are biologically programmed to feel that our child is special and that the love we have for them is unparalleled, but most of us are not daft enough to mistake that for reality or rude enough to say it out loud.

Have you asked her how she knows?

I don’t underestimate the emotional toll she has burdened but she can’t possibly know how much another person lives their child.

I wouldn’t take it personally op. It’s not about you. She’ll get over it. Just ignore it.

I went through years of IVF and miscarriages but certainly don’t think that means other mothers love their children less. Not at all.

Though I do think it makes me appreciate parenting more if that makes sense. I hear some other mothers say they lost their identity after having children, and I can’t relate to that at all as I was utterly dying to be a mum and feel so at home in this new identity. I know the reality of childless life after a certain age and really appreciate being a parent.