My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

I’m sure all parents likely think their children are special though? Your own child is incredibly special to you

My friend who only had 1 child told me that because I have 2 children it would be so much worse for her if her child died because at least I have another one. I honestly couldn’t even respond to that. Your cousin isn’t qualified to comment on how anyone other than herself feels about their child. End of.

When you’ve been through something traumatic, it can be tempting to rationalise it and find something positive in it. She’s seeing her IVF and all the crap that goes with it as a Positive in a way because it means she loves her baby more(in her head).

People have said the same to me too - that I can’t love my adopted children as much as I could have loved a birth child.

I’ve never actually said this to anyone, but if anything, I think I love my AC more than I would have loved a birth child. Certainly, I think I am more fiercely protective of them because of their past.

Here's the thing, your post showcases what's really happening, we love our children so much more than we could ever imagine loving anyone or anything else. Therefore our love for our children feels exceptional. You almost definitely do not love or feel MORE protective of your adopted children than I do of my birth children and vice versa. Yet we all think we love our kids the most. It's because we love our kids in a way that before being a parent is entirely unfathomable.

That’s awful. Of course you love them the same because you looked after them, cared for them, saw them blossom.

So nasty of your sister. I had biological children but I can completely imagine loving adopted children the same way. Maybe because I didn’t have that falling in love thing when they were born that some women (most?) have I find it easier to understand. But it’s one thing to think it, absolutely hideous to say it to you.

Yanbu, it's a silly thing to say but just demur and say it's wonderful she now has her DD or words to that effect. Don't let it get to you.

There's no competition of superiority in motherhood here. We're all equally blessed.
I think you have had your thunder stolen so tell her to bore off.

I might have said that either of my baby’s are ‘very special’ - they are ‘very special’ to me. I guess it’s similar to if someone calls their baby a miracle, or precious, possibly even a rainbow baby. It’s just the circumstances of the parents pregnancy journey not that I would believe the baby itself is more ‘special’ than any other. It’s a natural saying and I don’t think there’s any harm in it. But there is harm in warping it in to thinking someone else’s baby isn’t as important or loved or anything else. Same for 2nd, 3rd children etc. I’d never dream of comparing my child to another or telling someone they couldn’t use a name because I wanted to use if for my ‘very special’ child.

Total nonsense. How on earth would she know what everyone else’s struggles were?

I had a lot of this when I had my DD. I had to go back to work when she was 3m so she was with a childminder. OMG the comments I got from friends! You’d think they actually thought they loved their kids more or their kids were more special because I couldn’t be at home with mine. Some people can’t help being utter arses!! My DS was a twin. One died in utero. He is not more special because of this.

I have, and I think she's being ridiculous and very annoying. A child is an amazing gift for their parents and their parents alone. I never shared my IVF with anyone (including very close family) as I hate being the focus of attention. As a result, I found IVF to be easy and not the 'journey' some people try to make it out because I didn't have all and sundry focused on it. I did 6 rounds so it's not like I didn't go the distance and don't know how it feels to have it fail etc. I finally had my gorgeous gal but I recognise she's no more special (to anyone else but me) than any other baby.
I honestly think some people revel in the drama and attention of IVF and then need to continue the feeling by making everyone feel their child is somehow more special. It's utter nonsense.

"We all love our children so much dont we. Its lovely!

"We all love our children so much dont we in our ways however they came into the world. Wonderful!"

"You must feel so lucky to have ! I know I do having in my life. Arent we lucky"

If necessary you could slip in "Its no a competition loving out children" but that one could cause problems. All the others acknowledge her love for her child whilst also acknowledging your love for your child, and also suggesting a shared understanding/experiencing of loving parenthood

As the parent of an IVF baby myself, (she’s 16 now). I think I definitely do not ever take my DD for granted like a lot of parents seem to. So I sort of agree with her.
But what I don’t do is go on about it and I’ve been very careful not to spoil her - as tempting as it may be.

A lot of parents take their kids for granted because they were conceived naturally - wtaf?!

You may feel the same as the OP’s cousin/sister…but it’s actually abhorrent to think that your kids are any more special than any other purely because of how they were conceived.

That's quite a statement to make!

It's just plain rude to intimate that your own child is more wanted/special than someone else's just because you had to have intervention to get it. Would be the end of the relationship for me.

Yes same 💓

Wow

What a ridiculous dismissive comment. All the empathy of a lump of rock.

Are you that self involved that you can’t understand that people might have different experiences of ivf for all sorts of reasons? Finances, age, treatment response, prognosis, support network, relationship status, past trauma, loss, how much they want children, whether they ever have a living child - the list goes on.

They might also choose to speak about it for different reasons - support, awareness, fear, transparency etc. It doesn’t matter if none of those reasons apply to you or you think they’re nonsense. Don’t try to invalidate others’ experiences because they don’t align with your own.

I feel the same about my precious naturally conceived beautiful children. I adore them from the top of their head to the tipof their big toe
It delusional to believe only an ivf baby could be so loved.

It seems like I've touched a nerve there. That wasn't my intention. I had one of the longest IVF 'journeys' out there full of disappointments, miscarriages, financial woes etc. I do know the scope of it. I've lived through it. But I never made it my identity and definitely didn't make it part of my Dd's.

That was a very weird response to you - what you were saying was perfectly clear!

@Strawberrryfields - if you want to talk about empathy, spare a thought for the OP being told she does not love her child as much as this ridiculous woman loves hers. Why is that ok with you? IVF does not privilege you to be an arse to other people, as @Grammarninja was pointing out.

Got a school mum who says the same to everyone...said child has serious issues and mum is struggling to cope. .we all supporting her. It's her way of coping which we totally understand

Where is the empathy and heart, just awful 😞