My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

No, she's not.

She sounds like a self-absorbed bore.
YANBU.

Yes, I am.

It’s a bit mean but the intention is clearly to make her realise that other people are insulted by her comments! People are dragging this now.

Your comment was pure evil to the poor people who have gone through it, you have no idea

A ‘Bit mean’ ?? 😢

My comment was meant as a suggestion for what the OP could say to her cousin to make her see how stupid her remarks are - by saying something equally stupid back to her.

Right….

YANBU

But no point arguing it with her - you know yourself that you love your child just as much as she loves hers but no point making it into a contest.

I’d withdraw from her for a bit.

My dc1 (dd) was very sick as a baby, and we weren’t sure if she’d survive over the course of her first year. I’m sure I thought she was extra special/ my love for her was special at the time. Hopefully I didn’t say it to anyone 😁

Yes, it is right; it was perfectly clear. Cousin is going around making offensive remarks to other parents, telling them they love their kids less because of how they were conceived; I suggested that if OP does precisely the same thing to her, she might see the point. I can't see what people are finding confusing about this.

Ok…if you feel comfortable making that remark, I certainly wouldn’t, i’d feel ashamed of myself for even thinking of it and couldn’t justify it, as you are doing.

Not confused, it’s not confusing, just shocking and upsetting how someone would think of a comment like this or that it would be in any way ok to say it.

Just smile and change the subject

Op it is probably not the case but could she be suffering from postpartum psychosis? It sounds like she's having delusions of importance/greatness.

Fwiw i had ivf and did not tell family members i loved my child more.

It’s mad to say to someone you love your child more than they do. But I do think infertility can give you a different perspective on parenthood in that it can make you more grateful and appreciative of the opportunity to be a parent.
I’d appreciate a glass of water much more after walking miles through the desert than I would standing beside my kitchen sink.

I agree with this and don’t believe the cousin/sister will mean it in a negative way, it’s hard to understand why she’s saying it though if you haven’t been through it

I'd say this type of thing is probably best ignored. But, the 2 women i know who had children in similar situations, with that resultant attitude, coddled and spoilt the girls so much that they have both turned out unpleasant, unpopular and lonely. The now young women are incredibly self-focused and centred. Everyone else is just an audience. Both struggle with mental health issues as a result. If you can somehow channel your annoyance into compassion for the child, to convey this danger to the mother in a way that she would listen and hear, that could be a help for everyone. Difficult though.

My sister works in a school and youd be surprised how many parents think they're children are special for various reasons

I had loss and finally conceived through ivf and don’t think any of my family or friends love their children any less than I do mine.

I wouldn’t necessarily be asking her to stop but I would be saying how it upsets you that she’s implying you don’t love your children as much because you managed to conceive naturally. You can acknowledge why she may feel that way whilst also pointing out the hurt you feel by her comments

I'm probably really mean, but I'd start commenting back how she can't possibly understand the love for a child conceived naturally blah blah blah.

She is being really offensive and if she's not getting the message...

What she's saying is ridiculous. Nobody loves their child 'more' or 'less' than anyone else because of the method of conception.

She is being ridiculous. I had a 'miracle' baby after being told I would never conceive. We had already adopted twice, 2 unrelated babies adopted 2 years apart. Our birth child was a very easy baby and I loved her immediately whereas my love for the others grew over time. (Now I love them all the same). I would never, and never did try to tell anyone that my baby was particularly special or loved more than another baby. You cant account for simply stupid people.

People say thoughtless things all the time. I was told (by my DH’s ex, of all people), that I didn’t have a ‘real birth’ because my children were born by (medically advised) section. Felt pretty darn real to me!
My DH died suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. I was often told ‘I don’t know how you do it’ ‘I don’t know what I’d do if that happened to me’. Well I do - you’d get your kids up and ready for school and carry on because YOU HAVE TO.
But the worst slap in the face was when I was volunteering with another mum at our school. She told me after hearing I was a widow ‘oh I know exactly how you feel! My DH often has to work away during the week!’ Yep, she actually compared the sudden death of my husband, my children’s father, the main breadwinner and his family’s rock, to her husband working out of town two or three nights a week. I looked at her slightly bewildered but she just went on and on how she knew just how hard it was as she was ‘doing it all on her own’ on those days. Honey, I do it on my own every effing day and my husband is never coming back.

Because is it really worth her time and energy?

This is why I’d let it wash over me!