Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

As for the passive aggressive, "please start", I dunno...do family expect to uphold formal dining etiquette when they come round? Ours don't.

It's sad to think that these people are your family and should really be able to kick back and feel comfortable in your house.
It's clear you just don't like them much so you're finding reasons for them not to stay.

My ex in-laws were way "worse" with their habits but we still enjoyed having them to stay and the kids loved it so it was worth a bit of annoyance. They were family so we loved them warts and all.

They don’t even wait two seconds as they start eating as soon as possible. When I said “please start” that wasn’t aimed at them it was aimed at the other guests who hadn’t started yet.

Yes I think it's rude too.

But nonetheless, fannying around for ages while your guests stare at their food going cold isn't particularly polite either.

Exactly how long did it take for two adults to bring the food to the table though?

And why did it take so long they were nearly finished eating?

I think I would've apologised about the long wait and told them to start before it got cold.

I would never expect people to wait to eat with their dinner in front of them. Food goes cold . We had a lot to plate up Christmas Day , if people had waited until everyone was sat down with their dinner then they would have been sat for ages !

I would also never expect a guest to strip a bed for me - it’s not a hotel. I also would not strip a bed , I would make it and that is what I would expect my guests to do too.

Putting dishes in the sink - for me, day to day , that’s what I do and then I take it all out to wash , but I would be a bit angry if it was loads of dishes piled up so I would expect them to just empty it and place it on the side which is what I would do as a guest ( if I didn’t feel comfortable to just start washing )

YABU. Serve the food and sit down.

Especially YABU re the dishes and the bed.

I DO wash dishes in the sink. I do not follow the disgusting British tradition of filling a sink with soapy water putting dishes in and not rinsing.

Re the bed, I would really appreciate them making the bed. Unless you're constantly hosting, do you really strip the bed the second they leave? I wouldn't. It would probably take me weeks to get to it.

What are their general manners and habits like?
It may be a huge victory to have them sitting at a table.
It is poor form to start as soon as food is put in front of you. Without question. Do they offer to help wash said dishes?
You may be lucky that they don't crap in the fireplace!

i sat next to princess Anne once for a hot dinner and she waited like the rest of us did.

It would really annoy me if visitors stripped the bed. Because then I have a bare mattress and a bed that looks neglected. When guests leave, I don't immediately strip the bed and change the bed linen. I leave the bed as is, made up, and change the bed linen when I'm going to have guests round again.

Communication is key. I tell guests to, please, not strip the beds (as they might mistakenly think they're being helpful)

Exactly!

I agree get yourself organised enough to sit down with everyone.

I DO wash dishes in the sink. I do not follow the disgusting British tradition of filling a sink with soapy water putting dishes in and not rinsing.

sigh. I don't know anyone who does that and I'm ancient.
The point isn't how OP does her dishes, but that she has told people not to do something and they persist.

You have to treat them as you treat your DC when they are learning to exist in a family. Praise when they do it right (sticker chart?) and make them come back and do it properly when they don't.

Food? I would usually say: don't wait, eat while it's hot (but then i don't plate up for guests, we have serving dishes on hotplates). The bed? I would prefer it if guests don't strip it, but if they do i say "thank you".

I don’t want people stripping the beds or washing up. Let me just do it.

Nothing that you have vented about here would bother me at all.

The food question - I'd expect people to just get started as there's no point waiting while your food goes cold. When we go out for food then whoever is served first just starts. Everyone just eats as they are served. No issues and nobody takes offence at all.

Making the bed in the room - surely they are just leaving it as tidy as they found it! I'd personally much prefer that to suddenly having a pile of washing dumped on me at a point that didn't suit me. My MIL used to always strip the bed. I know she meant well but it irked me a bit as I would have preferred it to be left for me (or DH) to do at a moment that suited us. No big deal though. Either way, it's harmless and intended to be helpful.

Anyway, as you can see, we are all different, with different expectations and preferences.

You are overthinking these things. They are not rude at all, just slight differences of approach. Nothing to get het up over.

@Brefugee

was she nice?

Why are you cringing? I always invite my guests to start eating while the food is hot. And because they have good manners they wait for the host to say it

Accepted etiquette would be that a buffet/self serve is eat once in your seat , j for a plated meal with 6 or more at a table you can also eat once served

It all sounds a bit petty to me, as if you’re looking for a reason not to see them.

Because they're family and it sounds far too formal to me.

And having to wait an age for the OP to finally sit down and instruct me to start would make me cringe.

I'd still wait, but I'd wonder what the fuck she was doing in the kitchen that two of the other guests had almost finished their meal.

I would suggest you are taking too long, Ideally you should all be sitting down to eat together, why not put it on the table so everyone can serve themselves at the same time? Would solve the problem straight away.

I've always been a "wait for host! person, especially at someone else's house, but at home my DH wants me to go first so he can have more food without taking away from me (he has whatever is left basically), but he takes at least a few minutes, so I just start without him now, it's silly to wait there with hot food going cold.

If you are taking more than 60 seconds to serve yourselves, then that is too long to expect people to wait for you, consideration goes both ways.

There was a thread a while ago about stripping the bed. If i recall correctly the op was annoyed that guests did strip the bed and felt theta guests forced them to do laundry immediately.

I personally hate dishes in the sink but that is hoe some people operate. My bf does the dishes and still leaves dishes into he sink. He finds me putting them to the side to be messy.

@sandyhappypeople

what if you also want more food though?

I would find guests stripping the bed annoying and don’t think it’s something you should expect of guest. For one it forces me to wash it straight away whilst I might want to prioritise other things going into the wash first. That said if they did it I would say thanks and not get worked up over it as it’s not really a big deal.

the dishes in the sink would potentially annoy me but not that big of a deal and probably a personal preference thing.

the eating does seem rude but I think this can be a cultural/generational thing. I don’t think you should be passively aggressively doing anything.

Disagree ! Very very rude to start eating before the host has sat down .