Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

I prefer that overnight guests don’t strip the bed but make it because I don’t want a full laundry box if I’m not going to be doing the washing straight away and an unmade bed looks dreadful!
Ask them to put the plates on the side, again they might be putting them in the sink thinking it looks tidier.

Surely if you’ve grown up with house guests you’d know better than to ask them to strip beds.

I woudl find this rude. In our house everyone waits until the final person is seated with a meal, whether it’s at home or in a restaurant - Unless the cook/host expressly says ‘please start, I’ll be there in a moment’, which happened a lot over Christmas as there were a lot of us eating and Dh cooked and wanted everyone to eat while their food was hot.

Tbh op you sound like you simply don’t like them and they can’t do anything right! Everything you describe is minor and really petty to be annoyed by!

Yes, but meanwhile makes the kitchen look untidy. If it's so simple to tip away a bowl of dirty water and rinse the bowl then the washer up should do it rather than leave it for somebody else to do. The draining dishes also means the draining board needs wiping when the dishes are put away. It irked. I was doing the hosting and FIL was making more work by not completing the job, especially when the dirties coukd have gone straight into the dishwasher - directly under the draining board.

Starting to eat before everyone has been served would annoy me. I think it's pretty rude, despite having grown up in a family where you mostly ate your dinner from a tray on your lap while watching tv. We were taught manners for when we ate at other people's houses.

It sounds as though you dish up in the kichen. If you had serving dishes at the table for people to serve themselves from, everyone would be serving themself at the same time, so no real opportunity for them to start guzzling their meal before anyone else got served. I have one of those electric hotplate things that keeps the food warm at the table, which has the added advantage of keeping it warm for those who like second helpings.

The dishes in the sink would annoy me too. I have a dishwasher now, but when I washed up by hand I had a strict order of doing it, starting with the glasses as they're generally cleanest and then working my way through to the dirtiest. Having to move a load of plates etc before I could even fill the sink with water would give me the rage. I'd have to try and pre-empt this by asking them to leave stuff on the side.

The bedding I don't really have a view about, but it someone offered to strip the bed I'd be pleased that they'd saved me a job.

Only the food one would bother me

Dishes in the sink leave the worktop clean and clear. It takes moments to take things out, only moments more to strip a made bed.

But wolfing your food whilst the person who cooked it is still bringing plates to the table is really rude. BIL used to do it, he'd have finished his and be looking for seconds before his mother sat down to her meal. He would regularly take the last roast potato for his second plateful leaving others without. He also ate like a starved wolf, mouth and inch or so from the plate, shovelling food in with both knife and fork

The only way he was stopped was my using different serving plates for the 2 ends of the table, he could only reach one and nobody the ither end of the table felt like passing theirs down

We used to hold on to the Lazy Susan turntable to prevent him emptying specific dishes too

Some people never think beyond their own wants

You should wait until all the diners are seated and served, surely? Anyway, solution is simple. Don't serve the food till everyone is seated and serve PiL last.
As to the bed, I tend to remake a bed I have slept in, even though I know it will be stripped. I don't strip it - this may not be what my hosts want at that point and it is not my job to do it.

I was always taught to wait for everyone to be seated and we all eat together.

striping the beds is the hosts job, I wouldn’t ask my guests to

To me none of these things are biggies. Starting to eat food when hot when in the home of a family member is a non issue. Leaving the bed tidy is trying to show respect to your home, lots of people would hate others to strip a bed and prefer to sort laundry at a time convenient. Dishes in the sink rather than on the side, trying to keep counters clear. It sounds to me like you are looking for problems when there are none.

The food issue is rude. Give them their plate last if that’s the case to make a point.

Used plates in the sink, some people think on the side looks more messy.

I used to strip the bed when staying at my MILs. She then asked me not to automatically do it as she wasn’t washing it for a bit and made the room look messy. I now just ask on the last night what she would like me to do.

Your parents so just have a word. Ask them to do what you want them to do.

I think it looks rude and greedy to not be able to wait a few minutes for your host - the very person who has took the time and effort to cook the food- to sit down too before you eat. Basic manners

It's not a few minutes though is it?

Two adults were able to serve themselves an entire meal from all the dishes on the table, and almost finish eating it before the OP and her husband sat down and the OP instructed everyone to 'Please start'.

Have you actually raised these minor concerns or just silently seethed?

I think it's generally accepted that you should wait to start eating, but there are no rules about stripping beds or washing up.

@DameOfThrones

dont care. I still think it’s rude and I would never do it. I’m sure they’re not that hungry that they couldn’t wait either.

Serve them last

The starting the food thing is rude. But in your shoes i would just carry on - and probably a "oh finished already?" just to rub it in. Or just tell your DH to make it clear to them that they are rude and not to do it.

The sink thing? I would literally get them back to empty the sink. Every time. "pile them up there, i have told you this before". I did this with my SILs and MIL and they told my DH i was a controlling twat, so he told them he was with me and if they did it again that would be their last visit. There was a lot of PA "oops, i forgot not to put it in the sink" shit, but i just laughed at them and called them pathetic. (i am NC with them now because they really are twats, but that's another story)

the bed thing? meh. It doesn't take long to strip a fully made bed, but just keep reminding them.

Yes.

So you're not fond of your in laws then?

They either have a different approach to manners than you do, or just view things differently in general. If food is serve yourself, they may view it as an informal situation and therefore see nothing wrong with starting. I'd prefer dirty plates go in the sink - it's where I wash them, why would I stack them on the side? As a host, it wouldn't occur to me to expect guests to make or strip a bed. I guess if you've asked them to do things a certain way multiple times, I can see why it may be frustrating they don't, but if they are otherwise pleasant people, these are very minor issues which I'd just ignore. They're clearly not going to change, so the only person you're upsetting by getting wound up is yourself.

My oh wouldn’t DREAM of being so rude as to ask a guest to strip a bed! It’s low class to do so.

the eating thing? Annoying, perhaps insist on grace being said before meals? 🤣

although there is the phrase “when 2 are served, all may eat”

maybe plate up and leave them until last?

Eating before the host has started eating themselves is just rude. Family or not. Your DH should ask them to wait every time.

The rest, personally it would annoy me a little but not enough to say something.

Part reasonable, part unreasonable.

MIL asked me are least 3x earlier this week before leaving if she should make her bed. Each time, I said, no don't worry, I am going to strip it. In the end, she made it and then I stripped it. It made no difference to my level of effort but more for her. On that basis, I think it is unreasonable to be annoyed with a made bed.

Dishes in sink can be easily moved. And I am quite particular about the order in which I wash things. So also see it as unreasonable to get irritated.

Starting eating before everyone is there. Now this is where I think you are completely reasonable. And I know I am a monumental snob about it. I find it disrespectful to my time preparing a meal and uncouth for people to start scoffing their food down before everyone is sitting down. It is rude and uncivilised. We all have our red lines. This is one of mine. And yes, I am being a little hyperbolic about it but it does give me inner rage when MIL does it. Her husband and her mum were similarly dragged up.

My parents never used to wait for others when food was served and it drove me mad. However, I have since learned that the correct etiquette is to wait for everyone when the food is cold but hot food should be eaten as soon as the individual is served. Apparently the royals adhere to this rule so if you ever have them round Charles and Camilla will be tucking in without waiting for everyone else 😂