Do your young children get up in the morning without you?

[Didimum]

If so, how old are they? How long for? And what do they do?

@Didimum sounds like you’re fine with this really, just seeing what is typical. Obviously every child is different and need different things - it’s just about prioritising what’s important to you as a family.

For me, being asked over and over again to go downstairs every few minutes at 6am would make my life much harder. And I have a hard line on being asked the same thing multiple times - I think that verges on whining which is a hard no from me. So I wouldn’t let my kids do this. If you really want it to stop, there are plenty of suggestions here (and you could make their rooms more appealing too if not already mentioned), but whatever works for you and your kids is of course fine.

Just from chats with friends, I think it’s slightly unusual that children can’t be on their own at your kids’ ages, but every child has something that’s harder for them so it’s not that much of an outlier.

I’m fine with it in the respect that I don’t think it’s misbehaviour and I can understand why they’d prefer I get up with them. But I’m not fine with it in that it does make my life much harder – I work full time and I am very, very, very tired, and constant 6am starts really impact my day. DH and I swap lie ins to catch up, but because of the super early starts the lie ins can go on til 10am, due to how tired we are – and that really sucks up our free time.

With all respect, I think it’s problematic when people say ‘I wouldn’t let my kids do this’. As I have said upthread, with the example of then them never abiding by the groclock, some children will simply always have an issue with some element/request/rule. It’s very personality specific and it isn’t necessary a parenting issue.

There have been good suggestions on this thread to encourage them, for sure.

@Didimum I get that for sure. My daughter is ND and has a lot of feelings about food and fabric and I hear ‘a lot’ that whoever just ‘wouldn’t let her get away with that’ and I just roll my eyes. I suppose for me, what you’re describing would be absolutely awful and impossible for me so I’d do anything to make it stop - cancel everything, take away anything, take all the toys out of the downstairs (which is what we did actually)… etc etc etc. It likely isn’t quite as triggering for most people so it wouldn’t be worth this sort of reaction.

My daughter absolutely loved her ‘special milk jug‘ and getting some rubbish cereal as a treat now and again so if you go the other way and work on whatever is currency for your kids (my son was very keen on an extra 30 mins of tv!), that might break the cycle. Sometimes the best solution is just to reset the expectation.

Don’t through the word ‘neglect, around.

People are making different parenting decisions to you.

neglect is a serious thing that causes real harm to children.

watching a bit of tv or playing with toys unsupervised is not neglect

Not every breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack time no. I have plenty of other things to be doing, and children don't need to be watched by an adult 24/7

Not watched but interacted with. How are they going to learn table manners or how to talk to adults if youdon't eat with them ?

Not bothering you arse to get out of bed and supervise 3 & 4 year olds between 6 & 8 am is neglectful.

Ds7 has started taking himself downstairs in the mornings - either DH or I will pop a bagel on for him then go back to bed (not quite ready for him to use the toaster alone) or he will make himself some cereal. Then he will ready or play with the cats for half an hour or so.

This new year I'm aiming for him to brush his teeth before going downstairs (which he does do usually but fell out of habit a bit over Xmas) and get himself dressed (likely ADHD so need some support currently)

In the 80's our 3 year old son without us hearing went down stairs and used the phone. We only have one phone.
It was a dial one so he was playing around. He then came back up and told me there is a lady on the phone and she wants to speak to you.
I ran down didn't understand why we hadn't heard it ring. It seems that he had rang her and had a lovely chat for nearly an hour. Her trying to get him to go to find mummy or daddy. Fortunately he only rang someone in the next town.
We had to get a lock on the phone and an alarm on his door as he thought it was a good game to sneak out.

Through the meals.i do sit with them. I don't need to sit with them for 21 meals a week to teach them table manners and how to talk at a table 😂, 2 meals a day is sufficient, some days it's all 3 and others it's 1, depends what else is going on.

Fair play if you want to sit with your children for every meal,.you carry on, personally I don't see the need

You're a hilarious poster 😂

It is a very common thing for kids to be scared of going upstairs on their own (or in this case, downstairs) I suppose maybe the twin dynamic doesn't help in this case, they maybe still feel like they are alone even when with each other. One of my kids refused to go upstairs on her own for years, probably until she was 8ish. She was ok once she was actually in bed but if I tried to send her upstairs for something during the day she was terrified

Then you are very privileged to not understand what real neglect is.

or you just enjoy hyperbole

Children don’t need to eat with an adult at every single meal of the day every day in order to learn table manners and how to talk to adults.

I also feel like the twin dynamic doesn’t help. Neither one feels like the ‘big kid’ responsible one and neither one looks up to the other for care as a big brother/sister.

My children are 19 & 21. I did sit with them for every meal I was present, either me or DH got up with them every morning as well.

As PP said, fair play to you if you wanted to do that. However, it isn’t necessary – especially the eating – and it certainly isn’t necessary enough to berate another poster’s parenting to this extent.

My 4 year old is perfectly capable of playing safely in her bedroom until 8.30am - what a strange comment to make.

I think this is all fair, my kids have always been excited by being on their own and having the rule of the TV for an hour or so, and that’s how we posed it really. And how grown up they were getting their own breakfast. We did reward them for being so grown up with extra treats on a day out for example. So rather than a consequence it was more of a reward for being grown up and letting mum or dad rest.

I’ve never had my children say they were scared and tbh this may have swayed things as you don’t want to push children into situations they find scary. However this is defo something to overcome not just from the getting up perspective but walking to school alone for example.

i think you are going about it right by re setting the rules. Maybe for a couple of weekends they stay in their rooms or each others rooms together until x time then mum or dad will wake up and come downstairs. I would keep reiterating that you won’t come downstairs until x time and if they keep pestering the time each weekend will just get longer.

Absolutely. This thread is a shocker. So many people who don’t understand appropriate developmental stages or grasp that children can be perfectly content and secure occupying themselves of a morning. I’d argue it’s neglectful not to set them up to be able to do this.

This is why more and more of the children I’ve taught over the years are incapable of basic tasks even in their last years of primary school. Always looking for an adult to hold their hand through everything.

Slightly off topic but I’m amazed how many people let their young children go downstairs and eat without them around, are you not worried about choking?! I don’t think I’d like them eating downstairs with me asleep until they were about 7. Appreciate I am an anxious person though but seriously, 3 year olds helping themselves to breakfast alone? If they were to choke, they wouldn’t stand a chance.

Middle DC is an early riser, always has been (17 now). Is usually awake before 6. I let her go downstairs from about 4 years old. She could reach breakfast food and drink by then. 9/10 eldest would wake up when her sister went downstairs (shared room) and go down just after.
Youngest has SEN and can't imagine the absolute carnage I'd come down to if he was up on his own.

I agree.

We did train ours to stay in their rooms until 6:30/6:45 and no issue with them playing in there - they only have books and soft toys in their bedrooms, really, nothing that could cause any issues.

But on other threads too, I have seen people talk about encouraging their 3 + year olds to go downstairs and eat breakfast, that seems really poor parenting to me.

I don’t agree with this either. Mine is 4 and we don’t do helping yourself to breakfast without us around yet. Our house is also laid out that bedrooms and living space are downstairs so no going upstairs away from us to worry about.

But from 3 if he woke before his Yoto showed the sun he was taught that means to play in his bedroom until the “sun is up”. He doesn’t have much in his room but he would sit and “read” books or play with the few toys in there. We built up the time gradually and stuck with it- the Yoto is great for adjusting the wake up time. Now that he’s 4 we are more than happy for him to quietly switch his Yoto on and he doesn’t need to stay in his room. He can play with the toys that are in our living room and just potter about by himself. Usually for an hour to an hour and a half. He’s very content.

I always hear him wake up- it’s just wired now from the baby years. But I doze back off. This morning my husband and I had porridge with him but then returned to our beds to chat and doze while he amused himself. The holidays are nearly over and I don’t want a life where my child demands I get up to entertain them. It’s a holiday for all of us. After an hour or so of him amusing himself (we love hearing him chatting away playing his imaginary games) he came to bed with us for a half hour to read books.

There’s a whole day of fun to have together, it doesn’t need to start at 6am just because a child demands it. But I completely agree about avoiding risks. I couldn’t rest easy with the choking risk, although it is minimal.

My 3yo wakes up and immediately goes to her older brother. He’s 10 so will make her cereal or toast and they usually eat/play for an hour till we get up. Perks of having a big age gap 🤣. He’s usually up already, playing or listening to music so he loves having a snuggle with my dd too.