to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

But the father is not

I think you’re missing the point

it was in reference to the idea that the poster needn’t go to hospital full stop. Rather than the wider thread

Sorry but yabu, you’re asking a favour and she is essentially doing free babysitting … so she is already helping you out, which you don’t seem to acknowledge.
sone grandparents would rather do it in their home so they don’t have to move but for whatever reason she prefers yours ( possibly the toys being there, possibly because she’s worried the boys might destroy things)
the point is she is helping ! You told an earlier poster you are going to leave the offer, which very much sounds like cutting offf your nose to spite your face

She asked a favour. I don’t know why people on here think this is a strange thing to ask your own mum.

Entitled. Nowt as queer as folk.

I’t’s not weird to ask but it is acting spoilt to not accept the other persons point of view. I wouldn’t want to have kids cone over to my house if I didn’t have toys etc to entertain them.. I’ve also hosted play dates for 3 year old and had wee /puke accidents , sometimes both. I can see the reluctance when there’s another option

I’m on your side here OP. Sad for all these posters who have no family support. My mum loves having my DC and would have offered to have her so we could get bits done at home, but that’s the type of grandparent she is. I’d be very sad if my mum had never had the kids to her house.

Literally no-one has said the OP’s request was strange.

we dont have my grandchildren at ours, unless they are teens, its so much easier to have them in their own homes where all their toys are

It’s weird her mum said no though.

Literally many have said she’s entitled. Weird set ups these people have imo.

What’s a 3 year old going to do for 3-4 hours with no toys?

You're getting very strange responses here, OP.
Of course YANBU.
Going to granny's house should be a normal occurrence and most people have fond memories of spending time at their grandparents' when they were little.

Was waiting for a normal response! 😆

The OP has explained multiple times why this won’t work. If you’ve ever helped someone out looking after their children when the parents are there or watched someone else do it they just default to the parents, especially if the person looking after them isn’t wholeheartedly doing the task. I’m sure the dad doing the chores would be much more interesting.

It’s not like the OP asks her on a weekly basis or even a monthly or annual one. Obviously the mother doesn’t have to be supportive. She can choose to prioritise the OP’s sibling and look after her child and not the OP’s. But the OP is perfectly reasonable to find that a bit hurtful and unfair.

I’m not sure if you never ask anyone a favour or never do one for anyone else, or if you do you only do it in such a way that it doesn’t put you out much or help the other person but it’s not a kind or generous way to live your life.

Literally many have said she’s entitled. Weird set ups these people have imo

It’s entitled for a gc to see their gps house, whatever next!

You're getting very strange responses here, OP.

There are the usual responses you get late at night tbf

I have very fond memories of going to my grandfather’s house, my Nan died while I was still young, and we all lived together.
We were allowed gherkin sandwiches and choc ice and chips.

OP, I get it. In my case my two sons were not banned from the GP house. However, it was so incredibly child unfriendly that we had to stop going. The piece de resistance was the glass coffee table in the lounge which toddler boys were determined to smash to smithereens (eg enacting a car crash on it with toy cars). My olds were keen to point out that their great nieces (grandchildren of my dad’s brother) sat nicely and played quietly with no danger to glass tables. My toddler boys did not! They were just too fucking boisterous for a house that wasn’t childproof. For context, they are now distinctly normal teens but they were a whirlwind as small children. I suspect yours are the same and you maybe don’t realise. The other grandchild might be more of the play nicely and quietly variety.

But no-one has said it was strange, the poster’s assertion I was responding to,

did you read that the ops mum has the other gc over at hers? And that she leaves a huge mess at the ops house? My mum helps to help- she has the dc at her house, and she offered to have them before Christmas while dh and I were BOTH on leave so we could get stuff done. The ops thinking sounds perfectly reasonable and I’d stop inviting my mum over for a while; say with a straight face it’s always a huge mess when you come play with the boys, life is a bit full on right now to handle extra huge messes, it’s actually easier to not ask for help, and I feel really odd about having you around when you won’t have us around but you do have sister and her kid, anyway I have to go, perhaps you could phone favorite gc and chat to them.
Be straight up and honest.

I'm surprised to read posts from grandparents who think it's easier to look after the grandchildren at the GCs' house. I'm the opposite. I feel much more comfortable looking after mine in my own home, where I'm comfortable and they're part of my daily life. I feel out of place at theirs, and it's all a bit chaotic. I don't know what to do with myself some of the time.

I absolutely love the way they relate to my home, and the things they expect to do and play with when they're here (and look forward to). It's hard to explain, but there's a warmth and a sense of belonging that I see in their behaviour, and the way that they relate to simple things, (like the stool that they get to stand on to help me in the kitchen) and it warms my heart.

It also makes it easier for me to establish the behaviour that I'd like from them. They know 'Grandma's rules' and oblige me by following them. Whereas in their own home if I ask them to do the same, they aren't impressed!
Yes, the tidying up afterwards is a bit of a pain (Grandma's rule about tidying up before they leave, rarely results in an effective job) but it's worth every moment with them.

Whoops. Pressed too soon..

I think your AIBU got lost in your post because of the other issues (DH being home, friend waiting test results) and this distracted from what you wanted to ask which was whether you are being unreasonable in that you don't ever get to take your kids to your mum's house.
I think it's fair enough she has boundaries and this doesn't prevent her from seeing the grandchildren. Even in your scenario from yesterday she was still willing to help look after the children (despite DH being home) just at yours rather than hers. She has explained why her other grandchild can visits (but I assume that isn't frequent anyway) and it makes sense that she comes to you as you have all their toys etc.

You contradict yourself a little bit as one of your earlier posts here does state All boys are a bit boisterous I suppose but I thought she could take them to park or let them watch a movie to help out on this occasion which to me gives the impression that you know they can be 'lively' and you effectively wanted her to deal with that so that DH could do other jobs. It is quite cold out so it is unfair to expect her to take the children out because it benefits DH. Also if they are like my kids they won't just sit and watch a movie unless bribed with food and even then they might not sit through the whole thing. Also these suggestions could have been done at yours - surely there is a park near yours or you have films they could watch.
I think you should accept that you do have help and to be grateful for that.

Well that’s fine. I don’t think people who’ve been selective about who they’ll help and not put themselves out but have regularly taken the hospitality of the other person (as the OP’s mother has) deserves their support indefinitely.

The OP’s sibling who IS regularly invited and looked after and whose child IS minded can take over those responsibilities.

So weird to me that you think one person is so entirely unreasonable to ask for a bit of help as a one off (and the OP has explained why it won’t work in her house multiple times and why her husband wants to get the jobs done at that exact time) yet the other person just deserves it because…

That can be your village but it isn’t mine. I don’t want people in my village who only ever expect help to flow in their favour. You can have them in your village and run yourself ragged looking after them if you like.