to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

Tough one this.

i probably get both of your points here, so I don’t think either are being totally reasonable or unreasonable.

on balance I don’t think your mum is being unreasonable as she’s offered to look after them, just not at her house. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to auggest you’d rather give your husband some space and not have a load of mess at your home

I don’t know about this favoured grandchild thing. It sounds like a compromise your mum would rather not make, but has to. Also, one kid is a lot different to two.

overall I’d accept the help, moan to your husband a bit, but let it lie

i imagine the mum edit
that is sad op
does she understand the whole issue?

The replies on this thread are ridiculous.

Makes me wonder what on earth goes on in other people’s families. Sometimes family members need a helping hand, even though they could get on with things themselves. Just like the friend could go to the hospital on her own, but a helping hand makes life a little bit easier. No, no one owes anybody anything….but that doesn’t make for a happy family does it?

It’s not normal for a GP to refuse to have DGC over. I understand if the DC make mess etc, but in that case, clear rules on now they must behave at GPs must be set out. That’s not difficult.

And for those going on about ‘sticking to boundaries etc. Then OP, I’m sure you can do the same- don’t invite her round to your house. Both act ridiculous. She would realise, everyone sticking to boundaries creates division. She had the luxury of sticking to hers, because you’re happy to invite her into your home.

But playing childish games won’t get you anywhere. You need to be clear for this relationship to work, she needs to open her home as a GP and you as a parent, need to set out to your DC how to behave and respect people’s homes. On collection of the kids, you need to help the kids tidy any mess made and thank their GP for having them. In turn, your door is open to her and be ready to help with any favours she may ask of you.

Nip it on the bud now, because as she ages, she will need more and more help and you don’t want to resent her for it or worse…feel you can qualify the help, in the way she had done with you, making it awkward for everybody involved.

It sounds as though you expect your mum to fit in with your plans but are miffed that she also has plans and boundaries. Mums have rights too.

I would never ask my mum to babysit if me and DP were both off work! You and your husband are entitled. You don’t have to go to the hospital and your DH doesn’t need to sort the attic today.

Harsh, that.

Well I think it’s odd never to have dgc at your house. Especially if you let another dgc come over.
Putting the tree up and taking it down again is a pain, I’d rather do it without any kids about.
Hope your friend gets good news.

One child is easier to look after than two

Mine does sometimes yes, I'm very lucky - but in not in this situation where one of the parents is at home! If I called to ask for childcare for that shed laugh in my face and ask why can't DH have them? And rightly so!

The comments here are appalling. It’s completely normal for families to help each other out and calling someone a brat for asking their own mum to help is ridiculous.
Families would have thought nothing of this 30 years ago and it’s so sad society doesn’t value extended family anymore.

Not having your own grandkids to the house is odd. Im with you OP. And the people taking Christmas decorations down in half an hour must have a crap display- it took me hours!!

Why can’t he tell the kids no - go and play with granny, daddy’s busy. No you can’t come in the loft it’s not safe up here. No, daddy’s going to the tip, you stay here with granny and watch the film, I won’t be long.

absolutely zero reason why your mum can’t have them at your house

We've had childcare from family on five occasions ever (because of distance and age). Eldest is now 16. Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

She’s helping a friend who might have cancer! Seriously!!

Have you taught your child how to behave in someone else’s home? To remove shoes, not jump on their furniture, not help themselves, keep out of adult bedrooms, be careful of ornaments, candles, etc? I’m stunned at how little awareness and respect some young children have, and they are very capable of learning if consistently taught to.

But in your OP, you said

I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there.

It’s good you haven’t upset your mum. No harm done by asking of course, as long as her response is respected.

one of my kids is going to my mums house this morning - I am dropping him off at 8am so I can go and watch my other kid play in a football tournament. They are then both going round there tomorrow morning so I can do exactly what your husband wants to do, take down Christmas, declutter etc. however my MIL in like your mum, my eldest is 9 and has probably been to her house less than 10 times. My 4 year old has been on three occasions that I can remember

People are becoming obsessed with the tree thing. I don’t think anyone is entitled to a village, nor do I agree with the view that parents need a break so grandparents should facilitate this.

But this thread feels like a pile on on the OP. It seems her mother was at Christmas hosted by this couple which is a big effort so it’s hardly that big a deal that she watches the kids while he cleans up.

And the younger one is only 3. Needing to be supervised at 3 doesn’t make him a brat.

And it is very unusual for a grandparent to never have grandchildren in her house. I’ve never heard of it.

The OP is here demanding that grandma watch kids 5 days a week so she can save nursery fees in which case all this “entitled” language might be merited.

I don’t know why everyone’s being so mean to you OP. It’s a perfectly normal thing for children to spend time with their grandparents regardless of the reason. If I said to my mum that I could really do with a day at home to get everything sorted out after Christmas and do some tips runs etc, she would immediately start planning fun stuff for her to do with the kids and it wouldn’t be at my house!
Some grandparents actually want to spend time with their grandchildren and do it for fun, not just for the “free childcare” everyone is so obsessed with on here. I’m sorry you don’t have a mum that wants to welcome her grandchildren into her home or even take them out for the day. It’s a bit shit.

Oh come on, it's much easier to do it without the kids around, getting everything back out!

No. OP, it's not a crime for your parents to help out from time to time and it's extremely odd that your children don't go to their grandmother's house.

Why can't the decorations be taken down at the weekend or evening and he or you can do the tip trips then?

Perhaps my expectations are very different because my parents are fairly hands off and live over an hour away and dh's mum now has dementia, but it wouldn't occur to me to ask for help in this situation. Is it usual in your set-up?

She did say yes to going over to yours. If you feel she's treating you differently re not allowing your DC in her house, have you asked her about this?

My mum lives 5-10 mins drive away and helps us out all the time. It’s not all a one way relationship either my eldest is now 7 and they enjoy being around eachother.
We also help Mum out and will need to do so increasingly as she ages. I hope that Mum will be with us a long time and intend that my children participate I’m caring for her as she has for them.

I think your boys are harder work than you are willing to admit.

You want your mum to take them away for a few hours to watch a movie at her house, but:

• You say if she were to watch to them at their own home with their father in a different room, they would run around following him, suggesting that she cannot control them whenever they think of something more fun to do. You also suggest she cannot watch them when their dad runs to the tip because they will want to come too and there is no room - again, why can't she keep them under control in one room doing fun things with their grandmother?

• You say she prefers to look after them in their own home where they have their own things. At no point has the solution been for her to come over and take them out locally to the park or cinema - I would suggest it's because she doesn't feel comfortable being able to control them in public. To be fair, young boys can zip around and run off, and it can feel impossible looking after one, let alone two, unless they're tied to you with reins. You say your DH has a health condition that makes him feel fatigued - fair enough. But your mum is probably a couple of decades plus older than you, and she probably also doesn't have the energy to sprint after two small boys running away in different directions.

• You say that they can create chaos and that she has refurnished her house, and make the remark that homes are to be lived in. That suggests you think it's perfectly fine if something gets a small mark or a tiny bit of something gets broken off. You have to have that point of view because you have two small boys - she doesn't. It is OK for people who do not currently have small children of their own to want nice things!

I think you should accept not everyone finds your boys as easy as you do at this age. It's not a criticism of them or your parenting skills - young boys are usually hard work and have so much energy to burn off!

Frankly, it's a good thing that you find them such a joy to be around as you are their mum, and and you should feel that way. If you expect anyone else to feel exactly the same way you do about your own kids, you'll always be disappointed in life. Let other people have their own boundaries and respect that - you'll probably then find that as your boys grow up and calm down a bit, those boundaries will shift, and they'll be happier about spending more time with your boys and in different locations.

FWIW, I can't remember anything about being that age. You might remember your sons never spent time at their grandmother's house. They probably won't. They'll just remember the most recent time they spent together. Leave the relationship to grow at its own pace.

Finally - wishing nothing but good news to your friend. What a horribly scary thing to go through, and over Christmas as well - I hope she gets good results.

Nasty!

I’m a little bit sad at these replies. My mum would have all her grandkids over in a minute, even though she has anxiety etc. and loves her house clean and tidy. Of course grandparents should not be abused, but this is the kind of grandparent I want to be one day. @LaylaSun77 I would say on this occasion, as you need the help, I would let her come to yours, but it is definitely a wider issue.

I don’t see it as an issue at all.

id see an issue if she had no interest in looking after the kids. I’d didn’t want to help her daughter.

The location thing is neither here nor there