to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

The responses on here are bizarre.

@LaylaSun77 of course you’re not being unreasonable to ask. Your mum is being precious. Good luck to your friend, I was alone when I got my cancer diagnosis so I know she will be grateful to have you there.

You have conveniently not addressed the issue raised by the poster I was responding to. It was very specific.

I think you’re getting an unnecessary pasting here. I don’t see anything wrong with your request, but perhaps it’s a sign of the times and lack of “village” that people keep talking about.
Asking your mum to have the kids for an hour or so while your husband does a big clean isn’t unreasonable in my eyes.

That’s just semantics the PP used strange in the sense of unusual or unreasonable and multiple people have called her that.

I agree with this.

Plus, your DC are more than capable of helping with the decorations if they are given a couple of basic instructions. Then if your DM is at your house she can help and support with this and is there when DH does a tip run.

I really don't see what the issue is other than you not getting things your own way.

I’m wondering if you are in a bit of a hard place.

You want to help your friend which is lovely. Your DH wants to clear the house and it seems he wants to do it in a childfree home?

Im wondering if he’s giving you any grief for wanting to be with your friend, when he possibly thought you’d be around to sort the kids out.

Surely even if your mums there, he can still go to the attic and do a car run to the tip? - so why -on this occasion- does it matter so much that she won’t have them in her house? I can only guess that he’s guilting you because you want to be with your friend.

If this is the case, then I can see why your mums behaviour seems so hurtful. She could get you out of this relationship problem so easy? (And that’s what mums are for)

Maybe I’m over reaching?

I think people on this thread are telling you over and over the problem is your husbands inflexibility, not your mums.

It's a bit unfortunate but your DM did offer to help with the boys, just not to host them. If they've been poorly then maybe they're better off at home anyway.

Is DM's other grandchild a girl?

Support wise no opinion from me, we have no local support family live a distance so we muddle through.

What struck me though is your little one thinking she lived in the leisure centre.

Have you been to your mum's house in the past few years you alone or as a family dropping in to say hello rather than babysitting favours? Does she allow anyone in?

If she leaves a mess at yours and doesn't allow any visitors at hers I'd wonder if she's coping at home, could it be she's embarrassed?

Did she ever have any collection tendencies that you know of?

The OP has addressed this multiple times so that’s why I didn’t need to mention it again. She has explained why it wouldn’t work in her house. Obviously that doesn’t fit with your narrative but it makes perfect sense to me. If my husband had health issues and wanted to get a task done before going back to work I would think it makes more sense to ask someone to help to do that task in a way that actually helped my husband.

If you’re the kind of person who only helps when it doesn’t put you out that much but then doesn’t really help the other person either then I can see why you don’t get it.

You say you're not getting 'any support' but your mum has offered to come to your house to look after the DC - that IS support. You can't ask for help and then dictate exactly what that help should be. Maybe DM finds it easier to be in your house where their toys are? Maybe she likes the change of scene?

You do have support.
Your mums house clearly isn't set up for young children who as you put it yourself leave your house trashed and you find that stressful yourself yet you expect your mum to deal with it at her house without any toys.
You also have a husband who is off work and capable of looking after them, yet still winge and whine about a lack of support because your mum won't have dc at her house.
Your entitlement is off the scale and claiming that you have no support just because you're not getting what you want in the way you want it is a joke. Try being a widow with literally no family raising a disabled child and then come and talk to us about lack of support.
Oh and no not all boys are boisterous

I can see your point on this occasion tbf, but overarchingly I think your mum has a point. It's much easier to look after small kids in their home with their own stuff handy.

When my daughter was small both grans helped
out with childcare around me and DH's work patterns and insisted on having them at their own houses, which regularly meant an extra 40 minute round trip in the wrong direction and back (my mum won't drive in rush hour traffic) and having to pack and cart piles of stuff about...which was a pain in the arse but they were helping out so 🤷🏼‍♀️

There is a playroom full of them.

Oh so because you had it hard and didn’t get any help that means no one else should? I didn’t get any help either - selfish parents - but that makes me more empathetic to the OP, not less. And I’m sorry you didn’t have any support, that sounds really tough.

It’s not entitlement off the scale for a one off act of support. Hyperbole much?

Haven't read the whole thread but wow! People are absolute dicks 😂

You are not entitled, or a brat. You are a couple of parents asking for a bit of help, and it would be nice if your mum helped!!

Im lucky that my mum would drop everything if I asked for help. Even for something as little as putting the tree away. I feel sorry for people who dont have a mum like mine. I hope im the same for my kids when they have families, I plan to be if im able.

It is normal OP. Or used to be. Mumsnet is WEIRD about asking for family help- can’t tell if it’s a reflection of real family dynamics (possibly, as my family aren’t at all close) or a MN quirk.

I will say though that I see a lot of these threads, and I think there are a lot of grandparents out there that are going to find their children much less inclined to blow up their lives to provide elderly care, than they might have been.

Give and take and all that.

OP, it sucks she isn't more helpful! She doesn't have to help you, but that doesn't mean it isn't annoying when she won't. I often find its also the ones that then like to go around bragging how hands on and helpful they are and had lots of grandparents help themselves that are the least helpful!

I have one friend who's mum refused to have their older child while she gave birth because she had 'done her time'. She helped her mum all the time which promptly stopped much to her mum's confusion of course.

You'll just have to leave them with your DH, stick a film on to distract them as much as possible and crack on.

Her mum offered her help though, just with clearly defined boundaries.

I wish more women would do this - help others because it's nice to help others, but be upfront about any limitations they need to apply to that offer, to protect their own needs.

OP I think people are being a bit harsh. Sometimes posts like this just become a pile on. For what it’s worth, my own parents don’t really like having my 2 DC in their home. They are very particular about the house and my DF has an issue with taking calls while they are there. I just accept it as their house their rules. Your DM has offered to help, I would focus on that.

There’s a massive difference between that though and what the OP’s talking about. You had childcare not a bit of babysitting. That’s a huge ask because it’s a regular commitment. In that instance I would expect it to be fitted around the person doing the massive favour.

What is strange is people's responses to a perfectly normal request from a daughter to a mother. Unreal!

YANBU to hope that they could go over to visit at her place.

YABU to expect her to to babysit so DH can get the tree down. We only really had help if we were at work. I doubt your friends appointment will take more than a couple of hours. Why don’t you take the kids out for a few hours & invite your Mum along?

I haven’t read the full thread but just dumbfounded by people’s desperation to belittle OP and her husband. We’ve now reached competitive Christmas tree removal “I took mine down in 25 minutes”. Fuck off. So pathetic.
My husband is out at work and I have VERY happily taken DC to nursery so I can enjoy a bit of peace after nearly 3 weeks of chaos. I also plan to take my tree down. Technically I could do that with my 3 year old here, but I can absolutely assure you it would be much harder than it needs to be. When I read spoke of these comments I have to assume some of you have never met a 3 year old.

Firstly, for me it’s a 7ft real tree. Once I remove the baubles, wrap up the good ones, take the lights off, drag the tree out of the space, try and remove it from the stand without the remaining water ending up all over the floor, drag the tree out to the garden, clear up all the needles spread throughout the downstairs, then move the furniture back to where it was before, that will probably take me an hour. Without the “help” of an enthusiastic small person. And that’s just the tree. There’s the rest of the decorations to sort then too, involving ladders. Nobody here can tell me with full honesty that they wouldn’t rather do all that without a child around.

Besides which, that’s nothing to do with OP’s question. I happen to think you’re being unreasonable OP, and I have a very similar set up. My child has been to my in-laws twice. It used to piss me off until I realised children at their house just gives cause for them to moan about stuff. It’s not in any way set up for kids so it’s easier to avoid it. But having them out your house for a while is definitely something I appreciate you’d want.

Anyway, I’ve had my rant with my cuppa in peace and now I’ll make a start on that Xmas tree.

I think you're being given an unfair bashing here OP - there seems to be a no exception rule for your children, but not for your sisters children. I don't have children or grandchildren of my own, but am happy to welcome the chaos of my husbands grandchildren into my home at any opportunity, especially if it helps my stepdaughter out for a bit. As were my parents with my nephews and nieces, now grown up and have a great bond with my mother, happy to drop in and see her on their own etc. Presumably your children are more likely to be living in the area when they're older, but hardly likely to call in on their grandmother if they don't even know where she lives!

How did you feel about that at the time, and now?

Personally, I think toddler boys are often boisterous, and I don't think anyone other than their parents/guardians should need to make their home childproof. I think it's reasonable for GPs to only spend time with them at their own home or out of the home in child-friendly environments aimed at a children.

Do they spend more time with their GPs now that they're past that stage and can go more places?