to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

But your DM has offered to be an extra pair of hands at your home?? Surely that’s good enough. Children do better being minded where they love and where all their toys are anyway. There’s nothing for them at your DM‘s.

Reality is your DH wanted some child free time, not an extra pair of hands.

It IS a kindness to your friend to accompany her to her scan results.
But at the same time as wanting to do the small kindness for your friend, you expect your mum to pay the price to enable it. That isn’t fair on your mum, especially when you know she doesn’t like to have the children at her house where she has no toys to entertain them.
It isn’t a kindness if you are upsetting your mum at the same time. She could sit with them at yours watching a film and eating snacks for a hour and your DH could get as much done as possible in that time.
Be grateful you have a mum prepared to help you be kind to your friend. It can’t all be on your terms. Your kind mum also has a say.

Yes, this. My house is a little kingdom for my grandson - his fave foods, his own settee, tv that he likes. Just like my grandparents did for me. An oasis of calm in the midst of a busy life. YANBU OP - I would be hurt too.

LaylaSun77 I dont know how to answer posts properly lol! But yes, it's out in the open now so we're addressing it. She'd been very ill with her back, but insisted she was fine. I got suspicious when I went round to surprise her on her birthday, but she wouldnt let me in. We had to have a showdown, but she's facing up to it now. We are planning a skip and deep clean.

That’s right - some child free time to do things that he can’t do when the kids are here.

thats great. It must be a very difficult thing to admit to and accept help for. I’m so glad she’s getting it sorted with your help.

That sounds lovely. My boys would love that. They just love somewhere different don’t they and to feel they have another place to go.

There’s loads of things at my mums for the kids. They have a “toy room”’with our old toys which my niece plays with and she has a big garden. It’s definitely not upsetting my mum - she said no and she wasn’t discussing it. I just said “ok- no problem” so I don’t think I’ve upset my mum by asking if it would suit,

YABU. Try as you might frame it like you are the victim here, you are not.

Your mother offered to help, if you don't want to accept it then that's on you. Your OH didn't have to clear up the house from top to bottom on that exact day, so your mother offering help was already kind of her. If she doesn't want your kids around then you have to respect that.

Sounds like you're bitter to her in general that she doesn't have them around every now and again so that you're DH can have the house to yourselves. That comes across very entitled. She didn't choose to have those children, you did, so they are your responsibility. You can't expect to be able to bung them off to someone else regularly so that you can put your feet up! If you value some time for yourself, you get a paid nanny, it's not your mother's job to do it.

Anyway, really do hope your friend is OK. But her unfortunate situation doesn't win you any pity points.

That’s lovely you have her over. I know it’s a lot of work watching little ones especially at that age.

I have a paid childminder for when I work, and I never said I “ regularly” wanted anything or to ever put my feet up? I said it was a one off because we have a lot on and ahe lives near by the hospital, Thanks for your feedback.

"All boys are a bit boisterous"

Her home probably isn't child proof and she's anxious about looking after two boisterous boys. Presumably your family home is adapted to and more appropriate for boisterous boys and poses less of a risk to children of their age (and also less risk to a home and belongings)

Your mother has offered to help - in the family home. Presumably the children can be contained to one room for a bit while your husband clears up, other than in that room. I wonder if other things are going on which is otherwise colouring your response to your mother agreeing to look after two high energy children, but just in their own home

My father is like this about my parents’ house. I never asked them to have my boys at theirs when they were young, mostly because I didn’t want my kids to be made uncomfortable and yelled at to not touch anything. Far better for them to be ant home and if you mother is happy to look after them at yours then that should be enough.

Agreed

Is there a deeper reason here? Maybe she’s ashamed of her house through hoarding or messiness

Yanbu to ask her to help out but she is not being unreasonable to offer to come to you either. If her having them at yours would prevent DH from doing the tree, despite your mum.being there to watch them, then perhaps their behaviour is quite challenging and thats why she doesnt want them at hers? Otherwise i dont see why her watching them at yours would prevent dh from getting on? She has not said no to helping, she would just rather come tp you

Huh. Usually am on the side of GPs but I think YANBU and are getting an undeserved kicking.
So odd to never have your grandkids to your house.

Have you been to your mum's house recently? Is it possible that she has got in a bit of a mess / hoarding, etc. and doesn't want anyone to see it?

Neither grandparent of either side of my family has ever looked after my children, not once. They are now older teenagers, so not needed. Would have been helpful as a single parent when they were little. I would have been very happy for my mum to look after them - anywhere she wanted.

Well, that's terrible. What awful GPs.

It is a little odd but your comment that all boys are boisterous, it is a bit of a red flag, as no, they aren’t.

does she find it too much at her house? We have had friends to play that I am very glad when they leave ie jumping on the beds, sofa (I can’t afford to replace these items if they break them) and it annoys me having to tell them to behave in someone else’s home, some kids are feral.

be honest with yourself, do your kids do this? If so that might be why.

i can see the other side of the coin though, that if she’d had them at hers regularly and set ground rules your kids should’ve been well behaved and fun for her to have. I would certainly hope I have my grand children round lots when I’m older.

in regard to the Xmas tree request, it’s both a bit odd to ask when your husband is home but also not totally left field. I think you just have to accept her help at your house. If your kids are well behaved they shouldn’t leave the house a mess anyway

@LaylaSun77 Sorry about what posters are saying here. Irl it's completely normal to ask your mother to do you a favour and she's weird for not wanting the boys ar hers. I would ask her straight out why not. Next time she asks you for a favour you put up ridiculous conditions as well- I'm pettty like that😁

OMG what's wrong with you? OP has remained polite and measured on this thread, despite dealing with the most ridiculous hyperbolic comments.

Where the actual fuck has OP said that she wants her mum to look after her children at her house regularly so that she can put her feet up? This is a specific scenario where it would be more helpful if OP's mum would agree to look after OP's children at her own house, just this once. She does it for her other grandchild regularly.

OP could quite reasonably tell her mum that she is fed up with doing all the hosting at Christmas and on other occasions, so won't be inviting her mum any more as it's too much work and it messes her house up. She obviously wouldn't do that because she sounds like a decent and loving daughter who is just a bit taken aback that her mum refused to look after OP's children for a couple of hours in her home.

I reckon it’s because your kids are ‘boisterous’ and will trash her house.
Don’t blame her tbh