to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

I’m fine. Thanks for asking. Maybe it’s just how you communicate? We’re all different.

Mumsnet is weird about dads.

Not accurate at all! He’s not in any way useless. He’s a great person, a great dad, he puts others above himself and has spent his holidays looking after all the family - extended aswell. He cannot physically get to the attic with two wee ones running around, nor can he get to the dump with them. He is a little tired as he has health issues and we have had a hectic Christmas of entertaining family and the kids were sick over the holidays too. I had thought it would help him out if kids go to my mums as the youngest has never been before. I thought he would enjoy the peace to get it all done and my kids could visit their gran, that’s all.

Sure is! 🫣

@LaylaSun77 I don't think this is an unreasonable ask at all, and especially not after you've spent Christmas catering for them.

Given how extreme this is though, I must ask... Are your boys those 'gorgeous but boisterous' little beings, who absolutely demolish people's homes? You mention that they leave your home in a state, so she probably doesn't care to deal with this?

Can I ask why you posted such a nasty thing about a man you have never met and who is obviously loved by the woman who shares her life with him?

Maybe she thinks so, but I think she would have told me this outright. Anytime I ask how they’ve behaved if she’s been at our house she says they have been great. I don’t think they are any different from most other children, and they would love to go to granny’s for a visit.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Aaahhh, that's a shame then. I enjoyed the time spent at my grandmother and I know my daughter enjoyed her time with my parents.

It's also sad to know you'll never catch a break until the children are old enough to mind themselves.

Its perfectly normal OP to have asked your mum. My mum happily has DC once in a while whilst we do big jobs/DIY etc as it’s just much easier with them out the way! I don’t think you can argue with her about the house thing though (but agree it is annoying as she lets the other grandchild visit!). I would suggest she comes to yours then takes the kids to the park/cinema/soft play so they’re out the way.

It's not nasty.

How does the rest of the world function without grandparents?

Just work a way out to do things a different way that doesn't impinge on others.

Grown man that can't look after his own two kids, whilst also completing a separate task. God Almighty. Mother's literally do this all day, every day.

What a nasty fucking comment when you don’t know him! The OP does and she’s said he’s a wonderful husband and father. Vile idiot.

Anyway @LaylaSun77, ignore the nasty posters on here.

Of course you’re not unreasonable for asking a perfectly normal question to your mum. Unless you live in a mansion and not a standard sized house like I do, even if she was at yours supervising the children, they'd still all be there and making it difficult for your DH to just have an empty house to clean up and sort out without three people under his feet.
Your mother is weird for NEVER wanting your children at hers, even though she allows your niece there. I can’t imagine being like that if I’m ever lucky enough to be a grandmother.
Having said that, do you never just pop in when you’re passing with your children? My in-laws always said that we didn’t need to be invited but when we asked why they never came to us, they’d say we didn’t invite them! Batshit!!!!

So yeah, anyone who can’t comprehend why you would ask a simple request so that you could accompany your friend to her appointment and your DH (with a medical condition) could just get on for an hour or two, aren’t worth your energy. Just ignore the idiots.

Hmmm. It sounds like you feel your mum owes you babysitting. I'm guessing you've invited her to visit over Christmas so your sons can see their gran, as well as yes probably some obligation. But it wasn't wholly altruistic, be honest. Also this time of year is exhausting. If she's been socialising more than usual (as we all have) then even if she doesn't work (haven't seen if she's retired or not?) she probably doesn't want to go into the new year with her house a tip if she's got it all clean and organised.

I'm getting manipulative vibes from OP too. The 'oh well I guess nobody else ever gets help from a grandparent' reminds me of my mum when she gets called out - 'oh well I guess I'm just the worst mother in the world'. Hyperbole because you can't take the honest feedback on board. You asked a favour, she said no but suggested a compromise, you're now annoyed. YANBU to ask, she is NBU to say no. YABU to take the hump, and also to be laying it on thick about your friend's appointment.

Your mum hasn't said no, she has said she will do it at your house - which is fine if it makes it easier for her.

What’s that got to do with you calling the man the OP loves “useless”? It was nasty.

Mother’s what?

Most of feedback is in support of the OP. I‘m sorry if your own children manipulate you this way but it’s not normal and not what the case is here.

Why is there so much nastiness on here?! I wish the word entitled would do one!!!

it’s not unreasonable at all OP. No idea why other people are thinking otherwise. Of course it’s ok to ask for help and it’s very normal for kids to go to their grandparents house!

I think it’s right to be annoyed but you’ll prob have to accept the leisure centre!

it may be more hassle than it’s worth having her at yours - if she’s going to cause chaos.

Your mum hasn't said no, she has said she will do it at your house - which is fine if it makes it easier for her. Two boys can be a handful - when a parent says their child is a little boisterous, it is usually a lot worst to other people. My neighbour describes her children as a 'bit of a handful'. Understatement - they are a flipping nightmare. You mentioned the house being a mess when she has watched them at yours, I'm assuming the mess is caused by the boys not by her, in which case she probably doesn't want that mess and chaos in her house. Taking a couple of boisterous children to the cinema or park sounds like hard work - far better to let them run around at home, where they have their own toys, games, space. Perhaps you should think about what the real issue is here, and then consider how you can address it.

Agree with this!

The grandmother is weird but the fact that other grandchildren are allowed suggests the children are very boisterous and some people are weirdly
obsessed with a ‘perfect’ house. But both can be unreasonable - the minding of children was to benefit the husband, which is fine but don’t make out is was anything else.

I think the issue is that you’re not asking her to watch them so you can take your friend to hospital, you’re asking her to watch them so your dh can tidy. The two things don’t need to be done on the same day.

If your house isn’t set up for kids, it’s always easier watching them at their own house where they have everything they need and the space has largely been made safe for them.
It is a shame that your mum doesn’t feel comfortable having them at her own house but surely it’s better they spend time with her where she feels comfortable and they can all enjoy the time together rather than everybody being on edge.

A middle ground might be asking your mum if she would feel comfortable taking them out to soft play or something like that while you’re with your friend?

There are some things you can't do when you are looking after a pre-schooler. Going up in the loft and then taking everything to the dump is one of them. I don't know if your children are older, but think about when they were little. Little kids need constant supervision. It's harder to do.

I hope you never have any health issues or lack of family support. She is only asking for a couple of hours help. Family is supposed to be about support. She isn't taking advantage.

Not unreasonable at all. Once in a blue moon fgs.

Gran sounds a right miserable cow.