to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

I’m embarrassed for you 😬

OP there are more GP’s like your dm etc than like my dm.
but what I have found is from close up experience (db in laws and my dsis in laws) they talk the talk about the grandkids to people who don’t know the mechanics of what really goes on but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of helping out they just don’t.
they have all the ‘gear’- toys etc at theirs but missing the vital ingredient- the kids!
the 2 sets of in laws above literally moved up north shortly after kids arrived so even less chance of being asked to do something.
I just cannot understand not wanting to help your kids out - obviously as long as they’re not taking the piss!
It’s a subject that grinds my gears I have to be honest. At least own it if you don’t want to help out and stop making yourself look like a martyr to other people! Rant over!😅

What is it with people on here who think any relationships with grandchildren come down to money?

Good questions! At the time I think I found having two boy toddlers pretty stressful overall (say for example when one was four and one was two). They needed exercising constantly eg playground, soft play, swimming, balance bikes etc in order to settle at home to play. This was particularly true in the mornings. Going to GP house (or anywhere where toddlers didn’t live!) wasn’t really viable for a few years.
Limited relationship with GPs now, although that’s another thread. I think the DC were just a bit much when younger (they were also very bloody loud) and the GPs weren’t game for it. They would have engaged with one, but not two of the buggers. Hence, the foundations were not built for relationships later on.
To come back to this thread, I can’t say whether the OPs kids are whirling dervishes like mine were. If they are, the grandma is absolutely right to keep them out of her house and kind to offer to mind them in their own home!

This is a bit like my in laws I think - house full of toys, books, they even decorate a Christmas tree in their garden with carrots for the reindeer and say they’re doing it for DD and they’re sure she’ll like it etc - DD hadn’t actually been to their house since August!

Though to be fair they will and do have her the odd time so not as bad as some on here, we don’t ask often though. They also offer loudly a lot, then get in such a flap when we try to take them up on it so as to make it clear they really don’t actually want to - or to make me doubt their ability to actually care for her. They’ve been known to forget and just not turn up in the past too. They are older, but not that old and perfectly competent and capable in lots of other ways. And for the record - we do an awful lot for them too, which is fine because families are supposed to help each other out.

@LaylaSun77 I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be confused and a bit hurt that your boys aren’t welcome at your mum’s house, especially when your niece is.

To read mumsnet you’d think nobody ever has family help and to ask for a couple of hours babysitting is the peak of entitlement and an outrageous thing to expect, all threads like this are the same in the end. In reality - absolutely every parent I know has some degree of family help. We probably have the least of anyone I know, and we do still have some. Nobody in my world would think it terrible or entitled for you to ask your own mum to have the kids for couple of hours whilst you had commitments and your husband had stuff to do at home that would be best done without young kids around. It’s also perfectly okay of course for your mum to say no, but in the wider context of the weirdness about the house and the inequality with how your niece is treated I can see why that would be upsetting.

Thanks for the support.

Can’t see an issue with this. I thought the thread was going to be your parents refusing to look after DC at all but the fact she’s more comfortable having them at your house rather than hers is fine. Makes sense actually since, as you say, their toys are at home. She probably has breakables she’s precious about or cream furniture/carpets.

@LaylaSun77 our grandparents on all sides have been a real disappointment. But let them! That's what I always think.... let them!

No the hyperbole is from you telling the OP that her entitlement is off the scale asking her mother to look after her children for a couple of hours outside the OP’s house. FFS you obviously haven’t read MN for five minutes with all the CFs aplenty if you think that is entitlement.

The mother hasn’t offered to take the children to the park or to soft play and that’s clearly not something she does otherwise the OP would have suggested it so disingenuous of you to bring it up.

She has said they will find a way of doing the Christmas decs another time. She wasn’t asking for solutions. She seems perfectly resourceful and able to resolve things.

She’s not manipulative. She’s just sad and upset her mum won’t help her. I think that’s reasonable it’s not being a victim. That’s just mean girls language from people without empathy. She and her husband manage things the rest of the time, she clearly helps her friends, both she and her husband work, she hosts and caters for her mother. She’s not a victim that plays helpless, she’s a kind person who puts herself out for others and would like this to be reciprocated once in a blue moon.

It’s very sad when we live in a society where this kind of support is deemed entitlement from people like you just because you feel hard done by.

I can't imagine asking my mum to have my kids when my DH was at home!

What if he was working?

Yes and @Pearlyb

Typical nasty MN

It doesn't matter why the OP had asked her mum here, it's the fact that the other GC gets to go to Granny's house and her children don't. That's the crux of the matter.
Any excuse for the use of 'entitled' and it's rolled out on MN

There is - they have a toy room which my niece uses, filled with our old childhood toys and other bits and pieces.

Wow you’ve got a lot of shit on this post! I totally see where you’re coming from and also don’t see why it’s a big deal! My parents have never had mine in 7 years. They’ve have started to offer but to me it’s too little too late and out of principle I don’t ask! Thankfully my sister has my son if we go away for the night etc. I’m stubborn so I’d just never ask her now but hard when you have no alternative! I’m sorry x

Is your husband incapable of looking after HIS own kids whilst also doing chores around the house?

Then he's not 'at home' and available is he?

@diddl makes a very good point.

Poor friend on her way there and back for cancer results with 2 boys in the car.
All because of a Christmas tree.
Far better and kinder to leave the DCs at home and DM go there.

YABtotallyU and I think there is more to this.

It’s not so much child care- just asking if the kids can go to granny’s for a couple of hours when I’m at hospital and DH does stuff he needs to do. I’ve already explained why it can’t be done with kids in house and that we both work full time, DH last day off. It doesn’t matter anyway. I was just curious. Thank you for the reply.

Is your dad around? Can he look after the DC?

I am meeting her there- she lives close by and hasn’t asked me to drive her. She’s not going to be in the car with my two boys who will be at home with DH, we’re going to be at their grans if she’d have allowed them to visit but aren’t since she won’t.

Is your Mum maybe embarrassed by her house compared to yours? Does she struggle to keep it clean and tidy and would prefer not to have you judging her for it?

Might be easier all round if your DH 'babysits for you' (aka parenting his children).

Some of these replies are wild.

OP yes your mum is weird for not allowing her grandchild to visit her house. Very very strange. My mum just had my 3 kids age 5 and under at her house for 4 days!! And did some solo time with them like play dough and cooking

Nope - not incapable at all. Very capable, kind, caring dad to kids and son in law to my mum. As I have explained in other replies (you might not have read these) he has an illness, takes medication which makes him drowsy at night, is tired from a very busy few weeks of hosting family to stay over Christmas, cook for family etc. a couple of hours free would have been helpful so he could do dump runs/ attack etc (can’t be done with kids around)

He parents the kids as it is. It was only a one off of sending them to grams for a few hours to help out- something we’ve never ever done and I thought was pretty standard.

im not sure what the issue is but there would be no need to be embarrassed - the house is very nice and it’s nice for kids to go to other family members houses. My niece and sister get to go but me and my kids don’t.

I would never judge anyone for their home- least of all my mother! Mine is the home that would be more messy due to having a very busy life and young children