Page 11 | to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 02/01/2026 09:32

I honestly don't know who's worse here, your mental mum or the posters going on about your entitlement or why your dh can't watch his own kids.🙄
I couldn't have worked if it wasn't for my lovely, normal mum.
A lot of posters on here are just plain weird. If you cannot rely on your own mother to help you out, we are a doomed.
My boys best memories were at grans house.

diddl · 02/01/2026 09:33

I agree with others that it's that they don't go to your mum's.

Maybe that will change when they are older?

If your mum is near the hospital, would it really have worked to have them in the car with your friend before & after her appointment?

Original poster

LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 09:35

Imgoingtobefree · 02/01/2026 09:10

I’m wondering if you are in a bit of a hard place.

You want to help your friend which is lovely. Your DH wants to clear the house and it seems he wants to do it in a childfree home?

Im wondering if he’s giving you any grief for wanting to be with your friend, when he possibly thought you’d be around to sort the kids out.

Surely even if your mums there, he can still go to the attic and do a car run to the tip? - so why -on this occasion- does it matter so much that she won’t have them in her house? I can only guess that he’s guilting you because you want to be with your friend.

If this is the case, then I can see why your mums behaviour seems so hurtful. She could get you out of this relationship problem so easy? (And that’s what mums are for)

Maybe I’m over reaching?

I think people on this thread are telling you over and over the problem is your husbands inflexibility, not your mums.

Not at all- it was my idea to ask my mum to help. He’s more than happy for me to go to hospital. The job is a one person job that can’t be done with kids in tow. It’s just easier to have the house to ourselves and I didn’t think that was unreasonable to ask as a one off but others don’t agree and that’s fine. I am interested to hear other views. Need to put car seats down etc for dump run, need to watch them when go up to attic. It doesn’t matter and we will do it another time.

OP posts:

Makingpeace · 02/01/2026 09:35

me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. Sounds like you need a babysitter. If you're expecting the grandparents to do childcare for you, that's very entitled!

Cherrytree86 · 02/01/2026 09:38

Can the kids not just watch tv while their dad sorts out the house? @LaylaSun77

Original poster

LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 09:40

converseandjeans · 02/01/2026 09:29

YANBU to hope that they could go over to visit at her place.

YABU to expect her to to babysit so DH can get the tree down. We only really had help if we were at work. I doubt your friends appointment will take more than a couple of hours. Why don’t you take the kids out for a few hours & invite your Mum along?

I’m working in the afternoon. She will have the kids. I’ve a spent a lot of time inviting my mum to come along the past couple of weeks. It was just something in return.

OP posts:

Differentforgirls · 02/01/2026 09:40

Makingpeace · 02/01/2026 09:35

me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. Sounds like you need a babysitter. If you're expecting the grandparents to do childcare for you, that's very entitled!

Why is a request "entitled"?

tistheseasontobegrinchy · 02/01/2026 09:41

LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 09:35

Not at all- it was my idea to ask my mum to help. He’s more than happy for me to go to hospital. The job is a one person job that can’t be done with kids in tow. It’s just easier to have the house to ourselves and I didn’t think that was unreasonable to ask as a one off but others don’t agree and that’s fine. I am interested to hear other views. Need to put car seats down etc for dump run, need to watch them when go up to attic. It doesn’t matter and we will do it another time.

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But she's happy to watch them when your DH goes up to the attic and does the dump run?

It might not be ideal - them out of the house - but surely it's better than DH doing it alone?

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 02/01/2026 09:42

saraclara · 01/01/2026 23:34

Stop claiming that you need her to do this because you're taking your friend for her cancer results. You want her to do this because you and the children's father want him to be able to use the time to get the decorations down.

Yes, your mum is weird and I'd find it really upsetting that the grandchildren are missing out on having that kind of relationship with her. But stop trying to manipulate us/her by pulling the 'supporting my friend with possible cancer' card.

Edited

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Wtf😱

MajorBoobage · 02/01/2026 09:43

some of these responses are so twattish! OP if you didn’t already know, on MN you’re not allowed to expect any tiny piece of help from family or friends EVER - especially not so that your husband can fanny around taking this Christmas tree down. You’re both SO selfish and entitled…..

meanwhile, back in the real world, no YANBU to ask your mother for occasional help at her house. Unless your kids are completely feral and will smash her house up, I think it’s perfectly reasonable for her to take them off your hands for a few hours.

LushLemonTart · 02/01/2026 09:43

I can't understand most of these responses at all.
I only have step dcs but I'd do anything you help dsd with them. They've stayed here plenty from being babies. Luckily she has a fantastic support network near home. But they can come to mine and we've made it child friendly.
I'd be so hurt if my dm and mil had been like this.

Have you talked to dm about it and said how it makes you feel?

Bikergran · 02/01/2026 09:44

Do you ever go to her house? I wonder if it is actually not clean and tidy, but a horrific hoarder mess? I say this because my sister-in-law never allowed people to her house for myriad excuses. When she had a stroke we practically had to dig the place out, it was so stuffed and filthy. This was a highly qualified lady with a very senior NHS job and a LOT of money in the bank.

Barnbrack · 02/01/2026 09:44

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 23:06

He wanted to take the Christmas decorations down and do a clear out as we have had a non stop christmas entertaining family, 2 boys sick, its his last day off work so asking gran to help for a few hours would have really helped us sort the house.

We want to do all sorts of things but if we want to take the tree down one of has to take the kids out while the other does it. Either you can't take your friend or you accept the tree stays up until the kids are in bed and tackle it then.

And I say that as someone with very poor sleepers who ake if we try to do anything when they are asleep and sleep less than average so I get the struggle but it's not on your mum.

mit123 · 02/01/2026 09:44

Wow - I agree with you - not going to her house in 5 years - I look after my grandchildren everyday and have done for 15 years - yes I do work - only 4 hours per day - 4am till 8 am - but I wouldn’t dream of refusing to look after them - both parents work full time and need a little extra help - that’s me

Barnbrack · 02/01/2026 09:44

Bikergran · 02/01/2026 09:44

Do you ever go to her house? I wonder if it is actually not clean and tidy, but a horrific hoarder mess? I say this because my sister-in-law never allowed people to her house for myriad excuses. When she had a stroke we practically had to dig the place out, it was so stuffed and filthy. This was a highly qualified lady with a very senior NHS job and a LOT of money in the bank.

This is EXACTLY what I expect. Especially if she leaves ops house a mess.

Moonnstarz · 02/01/2026 09:45

LaylaSun77 · 02/01/2026 09:35

Not at all- it was my idea to ask my mum to help. He’s more than happy for me to go to hospital. The job is a one person job that can’t be done with kids in tow. It’s just easier to have the house to ourselves and I didn’t think that was unreasonable to ask as a one off but others don’t agree and that’s fine. I am interested to hear other views. Need to put car seats down etc for dump run, need to watch them when go up to attic. It doesn’t matter and we will do it another time.

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But why can't it be done with the kids in the house? I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your mum has said she will help! Just not on your terms.
Actually it makes more sense for her to be in your house if there are so many tasks for DH to do so she can always be an extra pair of hands and pass up boxes to him in the attic.

Barnbrack · 02/01/2026 09:47

Cherrytree86 · 02/01/2026 09:38

Can the kids not just watch tv while their dad sorts out the house? @LaylaSun77

In fairness to OP there is no way my kids would do this. Eldest is asn and will find the tree going away difficult but less so if it's done when he's not here. Even my 4 yr old would find it hard because of how her brother responds. It's a big job as we get a real tree too so it's not just up and down from the loft it's in and out and sweeping up pine needles.

ilovepixie · 02/01/2026 09:51

Everyone is being a bit mean to the OP. It is weird not to have grandkids to your house. And yes it’s much easier to have a clear out when the children aren’t there. Mumsnet is weird regarding grandparents!

Leapintothelightning · 02/01/2026 09:52

Haven’t read all the posts because your replies all saying the same thing are really repetitive and boring to read.
the main thing here is why does the Christmas decorations sorting out need to be when you’re at the appointment with your friend so your DH “can get peace”. Why can’t it be done tomorrow and you take your sons out for a few hours and he can get peace that way. My mum absolutely would wonder why the hell I needed childcare when my husband was available. Much like you she has other grandchildren she favours and looks after more. I just shrug it off. It’s not worth the time or energy getting upset about.

Cycleaway · 02/01/2026 09:53

It does seem very strange that your mum won’t let you kids visit, but strange or not, she probably has reasons that seem rational to her. But it your choice whether you rage against her not doing what you think she ought to, or work with what she will do

If she is helping, albeit at your home, I’d take that as a win, and focus on strategies you can make to get your house back to normal after she has visited.

as for today, how about your DH doesn’t take the decorations down, goes out for a few hours peace himself if that’s what he needs, and your DM looks after your kids at home? You can all take the tree down and have a tidy up over the weekend

disturbia · 02/01/2026 09:53

I agree with you OP I am a grandma of 4 working fulltime and often look after my grandchildren in my house at weekends. I keep toys and games plus art materials in a box in my house for them. Being with them means so much I don't care about any mess they make. I have noticed mumsnetters always want to dump the problem on the male partner. There are many cases where this is justified but not this time. Ignore the mad responses.

Differentforgirls · 02/01/2026 09:58

Leapintothelightning · 02/01/2026 09:52

Haven’t read all the posts because your replies all saying the same thing are really repetitive and boring to read.
the main thing here is why does the Christmas decorations sorting out need to be when you’re at the appointment with your friend so your DH “can get peace”. Why can’t it be done tomorrow and you take your sons out for a few hours and he can get peace that way. My mum absolutely would wonder why the hell I needed childcare when my husband was available. Much like you she has other grandchildren she favours and looks after more. I just shrug it off. It’s not worth the time or energy getting upset about.

Hopefully she won't read your post either!

Luckyingame · 02/01/2026 09:58

Yes, I would be like your Mum.
Except, I wouldn't have them.
Your husband should.

Nefrititi · 02/01/2026 09:58

LaylaSun77 · 01/01/2026 22:53

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I know I was extremely lucky as my DM was amazing and helped out with my kids whilst I went back to work and was always fair with all the other grandkids too (she had 11 of them).
But I realise my Mum was in the minority of doing that and most of my friends parents wouldn’t help out.
Now I’m a grandparent myself I help my daughter out whilst she works (it’s the only way she can afford to) but I do consider it a privilege to be able to do so and as I had so much help I think it’s right to pay it forward.
I just don’t understand those who don’t. I still have a life outside of that and go away a lot still so it’s not like I have no life myself.
And if there’s an occasion I can’t help I’ll just say I can’t do it. It seems to work well

MynameisJune · 02/01/2026 10:00

I can’t relate at all to your mum. My mum has my kids all the time and has done since they were both babies. They walk in her house, open her fridge and help themselves, lay in her bed watching TV. They absolutely love it and she loves them being there.

My mil is more restrained and formal but either set of parents I can text and ask to drop my kids for any reason and if they’re available they say yes. We’re very lucky in that way. I’ve dropped them off when my DH has been working away and I’ve needed a few hours to tidy my house or have a bath in peace.

I think it’s really sad she feels that way about your boys but not your sisters girl. Maybe as they get older and bit less full on things will change. I don’t think you were being unreasonable to ask at all. Or unreasonable to be hurt at her saying no.