Have I overstepped here and what do I do

[AirheadMonent]

I posted about a man sending offensive videos and offensive messages to a woman along with naked pictures. It's a vulnerable person and looking like grooming as she's believing it's a relationship. I contacted the police who won't intervene because she's not complaining.

I put a post on the community Facebook page asking if anyone knows a man by the name of (and then gave his nickname). No other information than that. A woman replied saying it's her dad. She's private messaged me asking if everything is ok.

What would you do?

I dont think anyone is saying this lady is engaging in illegal activity 😂

So people with depression can't consent to sex?

It's not discussing HER sex life or wanting to control her or stop her having a relationship. It's about HIM.

When I was a teenager I had a crush on a 19 year old. I met up with him accidentally over 15 years later and we went on a handful of dates. I got an uncomfortable feeling about him that I couldn't place and ended it after he was verbally abusive. He went ballistic and sent me bullying messages. Five years later he's in the papers for possession of images of child abuse and bestiality. So I'm well aware of weirdos and what they do and how they're in plain sight and how these things escalate and why I'm so involved or invested and unhinged and interfering concerned.

I wish she would have a good supportive relationship. Not a virtual one with a married father who's taking the piss out of his family and which many people on here seem to think is absolutely fine. Would you be cool with your husband doing this, saying he's entitled to a sex life?

Jesus. "Can and does" does not equal every single depressed person ever. We are talking about this one individual who is housebound, has carers and has shown herself as vulnerable (ie by neglecting herself and sending money to nefarious individuals)

Such a ridiculous question set to minimise what I'm saying.

But that was your question OP - 'Have I overstepped?' Given your information about why you think your friend is vulnerable, this poster is saying that you have overstepped and I agree. Your friend knows the situation but has chosen to get to involved with him regardless. Not ideal but she's an adult and make that choice.

If your friend has mental capacity, you need to butt out OP.

As I said up thread I am going to do that. They can get on with it and I'm scaling back time spent with her too.

a married father who's taking the piss out of his family and which many people on here seem to think is absolutely fine. Would you be cool with your husband doing this, saying he's entitled to a sex life?

Not at all, he's a total sleazeball. But so is your friend, going by the way she likes to tell you about it all!

You just keep adding stuff to this

And it is about HER

Because SHE is encouraging the relationship

No you are definitely implying depressed people can't consent

Neglecting her diabetes and sending money to men does not make her vulnerable. Plenty of people do stupid things. It doesn't make them vulnerable

A vulnerable adult refers to a person who is 18 years of age or older and lacks the functional, mental, or physical capacity to independently care for themselves. Additionally, it can describe someone who is unable to safeguard themselves from substantial harm or exploitation.

I looked up the definition of a vulnerable adult on our local government website and the definition is above.

She's unable to cook, clean the house, take care of herself. She can manage to do some laundry and tumble drying but not put it away. She can't do washing up. She was living on Quavers, jam and cream crackers before the hospital stay and carers coming in. They now give her microwave meals, sandwiches and instant porridge. There was a rats' nest in the kitchen. Droppings in the cookware. Mould in the bedroom. Spiders' webs and dust. She's been using a commode until recently (the boyfriend, as someone called him, wanted to see her on that too)

I see what you are saying, but her having a physical disability, carers or depression doesn't mean she cant do phone sex with someone. He sounds absolutely disgusting, and of course you want better for her. But that last sentence about harm or exploitation - that doesn't mean if someone is going to hurt her by dumping her one day. If you think he might be selling photos shes sending, or is planning to pimp her out, or to con her out of money, then these are genuine concerns but the police will need more than a hunch that this is happening in order to act on it.

No that's not what I meant by exploitation. This is someone who overshares with men who've taken advantage of the fact.

I dont think theres much point trying to reason with this comment 😂

Again, youre attempting massive hyperbole to make my comments seem ridiculous, even though sometimes, some people with depression do struggle with executive function for example. (Note the "some" and "sometimes")

I am implying that sometimes SOME people with depression cannot consent to certain things SOME of the times. Not all the time, not for every single situation. However, here we do not know whether the friend can consent or not.

Sorry, but I stand by my view that this lady COULD lack capacity due to her mental health illnesses and it COULD be talked over with adult social care. This is wild neglect.

Just because someone doesn't act the way you have decided doesn't make them the most overused word on here 'vulnerable'

What would you call her then @PollyBell given the information about her being incapable of doing so much and the house being a biohazard? The house got into this state because of physical limitations and depression causing her to sit doing nothing except talking to strangers online and having quiz shows on TV on a loop.

“Adults at risk of harm”
We have now moved away from the terminology of ‘vulnerable adults’ towards ‘adults at risk of harm’, usually shortened to ‘adults at risk’ in policies and procedures. There may also be reference to an ‘adult with a care and support need’.

I found this ⏫ when I looked up some information from a charity just now.

The fridge was full of rancid food spills and out of date stuff. Black mould in the washing machine. Sofas caked in makeup she'd used as fake tan. Garden a shambles and attracting rats. Grease all over the cooker and kitchen floor. Filthy toilet.

When she discussed the selection box of men with me some years ago (that's how long it's been going on, 5 years) she said she "can't help it". She was moaning about these guys and asking for advice but then getting upset with me and her sister (who lives 7 hours away) when we told her what we thought about them. "Can't help it" equals inability to make good decisions. I get that she's entitled to make lousy choices but it feels I'm going to have to sit back and let her make them.

Every single man she's been in touch with has either asked for money or sexual images or both, or future faked her, because they can sense she's so needy for attention.

If she's not an "adult at risk of harm" then I don't know what is.

Why is she unable to do these things - if she can do laundry - she can put it away or does she just not want to do it? Why can't she wash up, she can eat as you say she eats crap so she has dexterity. Is she just lazy/dirty?

OP, you keep wilfully ignoring these questions...

"Why is she showing you naked photos and videos of him, and is she aware you went to the police?"

Also, why do you think she told you he'd like you to get involved in the naked Facetime?

If you don't think that was her testing the water with you, I think you're the extremely naive one here.

@IwishIcouldconfess Diabetic retinopathy and cataracts. She can only see her phone and Kindle properly. Refused treatment because of fear of operations. Can't see to get around the house and is in danger of falling downstairs. She uses a cane. That got much worse during the summer.

She has mobility problems owing to serious illness. I think there's some laziness but the health issues trump that.

I don't wilfully ignore anything. I do have a life other than sitting on Mumsnet and it's sometimes hard to keep up. I'll answer you now.

She's trying to either shock me or prove someone wants her I guess. She's not testing the water because she knows my views. I've known her all my life.

She's aware I went to the police in the past for advice and thinks it's much ado about nothing. But not this time.

I'm not getting involved any further with this other than a weekly catch up with no discussion about blokes. But I hope people can see it's a real concern for me, not nosiness and interfering.

Ok thanks.

What did you go to the police about in the past?

I really do think as strange as it sounds, this is her only bit of 'happiness'.

If she's into blokes wearing adult nappies, sending her their underpants and watching wanking videos, that's just her 'kink'.

As vile as it sounds, it's obviously what she enjoys and it seems to be taking her away mentally from her illness and the hovel you describe her living in.

You've mentioned twice you wonder what this guy has on his hardrive, and I'd be wondering the same about her to be honest.

@mzpq I contacted the police for a welfare check as she was in touch with a string of Nigerian men on Facebook and Telegram. Her neighbour contacted them about her dancing around drunk in the backyard. She told them she was fine and no problem. This was about three years ago. She was embarrassed but as far as I know she's still in touch with one of the African guys. She's told me she doesn't fancy the nappy guy. I think she feels it's attention. Making her feel visible or something.

Her husband left her. He'd met someone else. She said she abhors cheating but when I said she was involved in cheating with nappy guy she said she wasn't bothered.

She’s not a vulnerable adult just because she makes poor choices and becomes over invested in relationships. Being diabetic with complications does not rob you of your capacity to decide to have a sexual relationship; whether it’s one you approve of or not. She’s clearly up for the attention and the dodgy videos and the naked FaceTime . She knows he’s married.
Step away from this - it’s absolutely none of your business and frankly completely bizarre that you tried to publicly out him on Facebook and are now thinking of asking his daughter to go through his phone where she can see her fathers masturbation videos!
The reason the police won’t do anything is because nothing illegal has happened. Stop infantilising your friend

... are now thinking of asking his daughter to go through his phone where she can see her fathers masturbation videos!

I am NOT doing that. Try and keep up. The thread has moved on since I said that.