Have I overstepped here and what do I do

[AirheadMonent]

I posted about a man sending offensive videos and offensive messages to a woman along with naked pictures. It's a vulnerable person and looking like grooming as she's believing it's a relationship. I contacted the police who won't intervene because she's not complaining.

I put a post on the community Facebook page asking if anyone knows a man by the name of (and then gave his nickname). No other information than that. A woman replied saying it's her dad. She's private messaged me asking if everything is ok.

What would you do?

@AirheadMonent
I see you care for this woman and want this creep to back off.
However, from your description of her, this is a pattern, and if you manage to get rid of this fella, there'll be another.

For your own sake, it is worth realising that you can't stand and fight off every guy she brings in to her circle.
If you really want to help her, It would be a better spend of energy to get some professional advice for yourself, on practical ways you can support her while also minding yourself.
There's only so much you can do. I know it's hard to watch another person in self destructive behaviors.

Take care

I'm involved as you put it because I've become more or less a PA to her, that I'll be scaling back.

Having poor physical and mental health doesn't mean a woman is unable to make her own decisions. You may not approve but if she has capacity, which I assume she does otherwise the police would have been taking action, you need to let her make her own decisions around relationships.

I think if i was his wife I’d want to know what he’s doing. Ask if she can put you in contact?

So not allowed to explore her sexuality?

None of it is really your business or problem to solve though. Your friend has health challenges, poor judgement and form but is not someone who lacks mental capacity. Unless she was/is extremely distressed and asking for your urgent help why would you intervene?

Did she ask you to post on FB and does she know for example? That was a really daft thing to do. Even if you don’t reply to the daughter it may be she asks him about it or is also upset now in not knowing. It’s a grubby situation but you seem to have been on a mission here without any clear reason or mandate to undertake an intervention.

I'm sure there are plenty of single men she could do that with if she looked, instead of involving herself with a scuzzy cheat.

@AyeKarumba So would I, but I don't want to be the one to tell her.

I get you want to help your friend and try to prevent her getting into a mess, but you can't help someone who doesn't want help. I assume you've expressed your concerns? You don't have to fully back off- be there for her if she needs you. As for the guy, you have no idea of what his wife may know or consent to, so it's really none of your business. You see it as harmful, your friend presumably sees it as fun and exciting. And maybe knows the end will come and cause her misery, but simply not care for now. Being upset or even devastated isn't something we can, or necessarily should, avoid in life.

Unless it's absolutely exceptional circumstances even severe anxiety and depression is unlikely to constitute lack of capacity. People are allowed to make unwise decisions.

It's not your role to choose suitable partners for her

I think I’d say to the daughter that he’s messaging a very vulnerable friend of yours and that you’re worried about her. That may be enough for her to mention to him and even if he denies (which he will), it could worry him enough to stop.

Contacting adult social services is the best thing. Instead of being rude about this man and making posts on social media, why don’t you do the one thing that will help her? Someone else suggested it further up the thread and you ignored them too.

Do you want to help her or do you want to insert yourself into someone else’s life more than is appropriate?

If you don’t want to phone them for whatever reason, fine, but be honest and stop obsessing over her then.

But that's her choice to involve herself, it doesn't make her vulnerable.

It's been asked a few times before but you haven't answered....WHY is she telling you all about him and showing you his naked videos and photos?

And did you go to the police behind her back or with her blessing?

I feel this is quite important but you keep ignoring it?

But where is the evidence she is vulnerable?

You do know adults have the right to make decisions that are bad for them don't you??

Woman likes to engage in less common sexual practises - vulnerable victim
Man indulges her - predatory abuser

There's a certain misogyny to this...

I never said she was vulnerable?

OP is making social media posts and trying to get the police involved but the thing to do if you suspect something like this is to contact social services who can make that decision.

At least two posters have already suggested that but she’s ignoring them.

Why would you suggest contacting adult social services if she's NOT vulnerable?!
OP said she's vulnerable but hasn't actually given any clear reason why other than she has depression and diabetes, neither of which would qualify her for adult social care involvement in this matter. You're suggesting contacting them - why?

So why involve SS then?

This, are you actually talking about a friend or is this you, as you have a huge huge level of information on everything he’s apparently done!

Also this, how swamped would ss be if everyone who had diabetes was classed as vulnerable and need their intervention with regards to sexual activity!

I'm not ignoring anyone. To answer, I will run this by social services as suggested.

I'm also not making social media posts (plural). I made one and that's been deleted now.

@PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul it's more than just diabetes alone. It's badly managed diabetes that's led to a horrendous catalogue of ailments, coupled with other health issues, depression and anxiety. She's also pestered men who've asked her to stop and gone hysterical. It's a melting pot of crap. And as for it being me, don't be so bloody stupid.

OP, just to say I think what you're trying to do is honourable. Your friend may not meet legal definitions of 'vulnerable' but certainly does common sense ones. Shame about the judgment on this thread.

And to my mind, him suggesting to her that she recruit you too gives you a stake in the situation.

Unfortunately, in spite of all this, I can't think of a good way to alert scumbag's family or warn him off your friend. I guess I'd try adult ss, they can only say no. But other than that, don't forget to protect yourself.

I'm sorry, but none of these things class her as a Vulnerable Adult, ie someone who is recognised as not able to make their own decisions. If she is an independent adult then the most you can do is be supportive of her if and when her poor decisions csise problems.
You COULD I suppose message him directly and say what your concerns are and ask if he would like his wife and daughter to know about the affair?
Or contact his wife and tell her anyway.
Depends how much over the line you are willing to step really.

Don't contact social services- it's just embarrassing. They don't have any remit here. Leave it alone.

I agree. I think @AirheadMonentis getting a really hard time on here.

It’s not easy to see a friend involved in such self destructive behaviour. I’ve got a similar situation going on with a friend of mine.

I think for your own sanity and wellbeing @AirheadMonentyou should take a step back and leave her to it. I think she does sound vulnerable and has made some questionable decisions! But in terms of professional interventions she probably doesn’t meet the threshold.