Have I overstepped here and what do I do

[AirheadMonent]

I posted about a man sending offensive videos and offensive messages to a woman along with naked pictures. It's a vulnerable person and looking like grooming as she's believing it's a relationship. I contacted the police who won't intervene because she's not complaining.

I put a post on the community Facebook page asking if anyone knows a man by the name of (and then gave his nickname). No other information than that. A woman replied saying it's her dad. She's private messaged me asking if everything is ok.

What would you do?

I know that’s what you wanted but in order to do that it required someone that knew him to reply to your post. Did you expect them to blindly give you those details without asking why you wanted them? Whether it was his daughter, wife, sibling, neighbour or colleague that replied, what was your plan if they asked why you needed it? Retrospectively deleting the post and blocking the person doesn’t cancel that the post was there to begin with so the daughter saw it and is now left hanging.

You wanted to find out where he was living?? For some reason (and I don't believe it's concern for your friend) you are fixating on this bloke - was the plan to out him to his family??! I'd drop the witchhunt and concentrate on helping the friend into a better place so she is strong enough to make different choices.

This is an insane and quite horrible thing to do. His poor daughter is now left hanging with no idea why she's been blocked.

The daughter has not been left hanging. She replied to the post saying she thought it was her dad. She also messaged me and asked if everything was ok. I said yes, don't worry, that someone I knew thought he was at school with him. I left it a day or two with no further questions from her. And no I was not going to out him to his family.

@Lifestooshort71 Believe me I've tried over the years. I've offered to pick her up and go out so many times but she always says she's not in the mood. Offered to do housework together but she has to wait until she gets in the mood. Hospital and health appointments cancelled because she's frightened and her health gets worse. Nobody else has bothered with her (and I don't want or am looking for praise) so what can you do? But she's always in the mood for these guys.

I think you've had a hard time on this post OP. You may not have handled it the best by posting on fb, but it's clear your intentions are out of concern, plus you've tidied that up. Worst case scenario, the daughter has some suspicions about her father - it's not like they're misplaced are they? It's horrible watching someone make be taken advantage of, I too think an informal chat with services wouldn't be a bad thing, though there's probably not much they can do. But should anything escalate with any of these depraved men, at least it's on record.

@Startednotfinished I've seen her this evening for a catch up. She's now chatting with a woman in Zimbabwe about alternative medicine instead of prescription meds so I took the opportunity to tell her to be guided by medical professionals and that I wouldn't trust anyone I didn't know IRL and know them well at that. She really doesn't know these people from Adam never mind what she says. I'm only seeing her for a couple of hours every week now and scaling back.

I can understand that OP. I know what it's like trying to support someone who lacks insight into their vulnerabilities. Sometimes all you can do is step back but be there to help pick up the pieces when they do fall. You're not responsible for her though.

Now this guy has started following my business Instagram. He has no reason to avail himself of my business and neither does another man who lives near him. Well he started following for a day until I noticed and blocked him. He's either noticed my friend following me - I know she's mentioned me to him and told him my name - followed up after the post that his daughter saw so he knows he's been rumbled. I've blocked them all. He's such a creep.

Well you tried to cause trouble for him... we did say it was a dangerous thing to do

Yeah, sounds like what goes around comes around.

Nice of people to back him up.

It's called the consequences of your actions...

It's what might happen when you rattle someone's cage...

So did you want you social media post to be seen by people that know him, but not him, and didn’t expect anyone that saw it that knew him to tell him? And now you’ve told the daughter a lie and he’s maybe trying to work it out? None of that is defending him but it was all reasonably foreseeable when you chose to post something on social media about him. Unclear how you anticipated matters playing out differently.

I think people think I'm frightened of this sad individual.

So I told his daughter a lie. Would it have been better to tell her exactly what he's doing? The worst that could happen is she said X is asking after you and he's put two and two together. I've not done anything illegal for him to report me for. If he overstepped and pestered me I'd report him.

People post on Facebook all the time asking if anyone knows Fred Bloggs. He's only bothered that his actions are going to be found out. It won't hurt him to stew for a bit. He might think twice.

In other words, “It’s everyone’s fault apart from mine”.

No one thinks you're scared of him

We think you are an interfering twit who is now getting the consequences of said interference

I’m going to stick up for you OP because I think you did yes maybe foolishly now in retrospect, what you did out of desperation for your friend who you are at your wits end of how to help & protect. I think that’s because you care about her vulnerability & feel aggrieved at how easy it is for her to be advantage of. By men who have partners of their own, and are behaving criminally (ok I know not technically but still it is pretty horrific) if he’s sending her unsolicited pics. So your intentions were good. That she is consenting to this kind of attention is what you must feel so powerless & at a loss as how to help her. I think having been pushed to the extent you have done & posting online about him has actually been a blessing in disguise for you, because I think it’s made you realise how unhealthy your friend’s dramas & plight is for you & that you are now able (hopefully) to take a step back & stop feeling so compelled to try to help her. And as you say you didn’t just fire off accusatory, slanderous or damaging information. I can’t help but wonder if this will prove risky for you & if he’s now on to you, but maybe that’s a measure of how far this has gone for you, whereby now your health & wellbeing could be at stake. I think it’s the curse of caring too much, or getting over involved in people you care about’s plight. That in a bid to help them & fix or rescue you them, you end up hurting yourself in the process. Definitely time to step well away as you now have.

I'm just interested in if this guy's wife posted here that my husband is sending naked selfies and videos of himself wanking and underwear to another woman, would the response be that the woman has the right to explore her sexuality with him?

No, it would be LTB.

But if she also said "and he's doing it with a vulnerable woman, should i step in and make sure she is ok" I'm sure people would ask all the same questions they've asked you here.

And, if she said she was vulnerable because of depression and diabetes, and her house was a state, I think youd get the same two answers you got here. Either notify social services, or thats not vulnerable and shes not your problem, you just focus on yourself.

The woman's sister who lives 400 Miles away knows about this guy and has tried to dissuade her but she got nowhere. She's discovered he's got health problems and both him and his wife are on mobility scooters. He's probably doing it as a distraction from all of it. It all seems sad and desperate rather than dangerous.

There are millions of people doing this both men and women and some married and some not. Some people think they’re having a relationship when they’ve never even met, just doing photos, texts and videos. For all sorts of reasons.

I was going to say yes he is a rat but what are you going to do, police her online relationships and activities for the rest of her life? And when this activity with him ends she will just find another one (as will he) but you seem to have come to this conclusion now anyway.

It does sound like she needs some more professional support for other issues but that’s another matter.

But that's not the same as what's happening here...

If the wife posted "I've put in FB does anyone know this woman and her daughter has contacted me and I've ignored her" she'd be being told the same

Gosh is this post still on the go? Usually when an OP declares or accepts not my 🎪 not my 🙈 that’s the end of it…