Have I overstepped here and what do I do

[AirheadMonent]

I posted about a man sending offensive videos and offensive messages to a woman along with naked pictures. It's a vulnerable person and looking like grooming as she's believing it's a relationship. I contacted the police who won't intervene because she's not complaining.

I put a post on the community Facebook page asking if anyone knows a man by the name of (and then gave his nickname). No other information than that. A woman replied saying it's her dad. She's private messaged me asking if everything is ok.

What would you do?

Being diabetic doesn't stop you having capacity to select a sexual partner. Of course the police can't intervene.

You don't like your friends boyfriend. So what? You don't have to date him. If he is awful then tell her so but don't try and manipulate the whole situation.

If she likes him then why can't you just butt out. Why is he a pervert and what's his daughter got to do with any of it?

This, you seem to be just loving the drama you’re trying to whip up.
why are you infatuated with this situation?
and contacting a stranger on fb about it? You are unhinged!

Those would be crimes.

She’s been pulling you in closer because she wants, by your own explanation, you to join in with her sexual escapades. Both of them are a bit pervy. Beware of being the vulnerable one. Firmly tell her to stop detailing her sex life with you, as you are not wanting to be part of her thrill as a non-consenting witness to any of it. Or back right off from her, which is what I would do.

You can't fix this for her.
Based on how you've described her, if it's not him it will be someone else.
Don't reply to the daughter. Your social media post was a mistake.

He's not her boyfriend.

Urg yep if it’s as op describes….
can’t imagine why else she be involving her in her and the chaps sexual kink!

I understand you are worried about your friend but it sounds as though she is a grown adult, with capacity and therefore is allowed to make her own decisions and mistakes.

It sounds as if you are angry about the situation and therefore you are also blurring boundaries. Your friend is not your project. You can't fix what you perceive to be her flaws. And in attempt to do so, you are interfering, overstepping and breaking boundaries.

You can give her advice and help guide her and it's up to her what she does with that but other than that, leave her be.

Well you said she sees it as a relationship. Why do you think you have the right to take control over her life like this?

@fatphalange yes. They are. But if the person won’t complain. Nothing gets done. Sometimes, a friend can provide evidence and something is done and then off you go back to the beginning of the awful cycle again.

Right I'm out of this. The daughter has not been replied to. The post has been deleted. They can get on with whatever they like and I'm scaling back support with her to a once weekly catch up. With no discussion about this man.

If his wife finds out, or someone else is being contacted and they complain to anyone then that's up to them to deal with. It's their 🎪 and their 🐒 🐒

😯

No, of course not. It's recognising that she is/may be a vulnerable adult and being preyed upon by a sex pest. It is not unusual for people to 'consent' to all sorts of things that it isn't safe for them to consent to.

I am surprised that the police weren't interested in the passing of indecent images over the internet. I would pursue that, too, if I were you.

The police aren't going to care about 2 consenting adults sending indecent images of themselves unless those images are of illegal material (aka animals etc) - a wanking video and a dodgy nude aren't illegal if the recipient consents

You're right, people consent to all sorts of unhealthy or dangerous things - drinking, extreme sports, overeating... it doesn't make landlords, off-licences, extreme sports centres or McDonalds guilty of grooming!

And it sounds like OP's friend is well aware of what she's doing, in fact she has been denied services because of her predatory behaviour. She's not a meek victim being targeted by a pervert - she's a woman with certain sexual desire

This is what you tell the daughter, together with the fact that you are looking out for someone who is vulnerable.

Tell her this calmy and factually. Also, tell her that you've contacted the police.

But make sure that you can back up your allegatiobs 100%.

Imagine being a diabetic with some depression and anxiety and your 'friend' contacts the police and adult social services because she disapproves of your sex life and thinks you can't decide to have that kind of sexual relationship. Mortifying.

I do think she sounds vulnerable. I think it is worth an informal chat with adult social care to get their view. As for the man... I have no words. If I was his wife, id want to know.

Well done for being a lovely, caring friend x

Why does she sound vulnerable? Because she’s choosing to engage in grim sexual activity? Do you have the mindset that if it comes to sex that women are fluffy headed damsels who can’t make their own decisions?

An example of a 'vulnerable' person in this scenario would be someone with a significant intellectual disability who couldn't reasonably understand the situation because of serious cognitive impairment. Or someone with advanced dementia. Or someone with a history of being sectioned for psychotic episodes who is showing potential indicators of mania or psychosis. Or someone with a serious drug habit who is potentially engaging in sexual acts for money so that they can afford to eat...

Sorry, what is sex? I am female, thus a fluffy headed damsel....

I understand, I have worked in one of those areas most of my adult life. One of the posts does say that she has sent money to individuals, and she does have diagnosed mental health issues, not psychosis or a cognitive impairment, granted. I dont see the issue in an informal chat. This person is house bound, neglectful of herself, struggling with her mental and physical health to the degree she has carers, I would class that as potentially vulnerable, thus worth a chat with services.

And actually, depression itself can and does affect cognition, ie decision making and executive function.

It's quite unusual for it to affect your legal mental capacity though.

I do see a problem in an informal chat based on what's said so far. It's embarrassing and undignified for this woman. Would you like it if a disingenuous moralising friend informally discussed your sex life with social services?

Falling for a scam doesn't mean you don't have capacity to make decisions in your private sex life.

Absolutely, ops dis approval doesn’t meant does not mean illegal activity!

The disingenuous friend seems like the only person this lady has who isnt exploiting her (other than paid professionals)

We cant comment on whether her mental health illness has affected her capacity, ability to function or not etc, as we haven't met her (and I'm not a doctor!) I think that is the point, we dont know and assuming in situations like this can have unfortunate circumstances.