Have I overstepped here and what do I do

[AirheadMonent]

I posted about a man sending offensive videos and offensive messages to a woman along with naked pictures. It's a vulnerable person and looking like grooming as she's believing it's a relationship. I contacted the police who won't intervene because she's not complaining.

I put a post on the community Facebook page asking if anyone knows a man by the name of (and then gave his nickname). No other information than that. A woman replied saying it's her dad. She's private messaged me asking if everything is ok.

What would you do?

Who is the woman to you? Is she a relative?
Does she have learning disabilities?
Does she consent to the sexual stuff?
Does she reciprocate?
If she has capacity and hasnt made a complaint there isnt anything you can do except keep your nose out im afraid

There's no way the daughter will leave it at that.

Just, no! Why would anyone think its ok to involve the daughter in this??

So are you genuinely saying this person cannot simply block him from their phone?

It sounds to me like you wanted to play the big saviour, wading in and taking control - only you had no clue what to do with the information once you’d got it. Perhaps your friend isn’t the only one who needs to be a bit more aware of the consequences of their actions.

You have massively overstepped here @AirheadMonent
Maybe your friend doesn't want saving?
You're coming across quite sanctimoniously.

An adult man and an adult woman are consensually sexting each other. The adult man is married. That, in some peoples opinion, is morally repugnant. But it isnt illegal. His wife may know what he does and may be happy not to have to service him sexually. Why would an adult daughter want to know the sordid details of their parents sex life?
Why are you so invested in this? Are you the new Mary Whitehouse?

Views mean opinions 🙄

I'd be finding his address and go showing his dw the messages...

It’s understandable you want to protect your friend and this man sounds awful but truthfully I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it.

Nothing to do with you!

You'd tear a family apart from the sake of your friend?

So do you!

@AirheadMonent This is such a difficult scenario. I have experience of this with a close relative with lifelong MH problems and physical health problems. No boundaries. Wanting attention. It is heartbreaking as the weirdos seem to sense her a mile off. She gives them money, puts herself in dangerous situations, has been exposed to awful things. She’s been videoed and put online and young family members have come across the videos. It brings untold misery to everyone including herself but ya know, it’s ok because she’s an adult. I find it so patronising when people say- oh, she’s consenting. Consent is a highly complicated and nuanced thing that requires social/ interpersonal skills not just saying ‘yes’ She can’t live alone because she might leave the oven on but she can have a sexual relationship? We’ve all got to watch her being abused essentially and then go to the police if something happens and then start again. It is a horrific cycle of sadness and worry. I don’t think people have an idea of what its like if you haven’t been through it.

I do, and he does, but naively I thought of how people like Wayne Couzens used to behave with messages and was concerned about that and where it could lead to with him becoming a pest and worse. She's made some foolish decisions about men that have cost her emotionally and financially, asked for advice and ignored it in the past.

There's been another of her male 'friends' in the past ask her for my number because she talks indiscriminately about her sisters and friends (or friend, ie me, I'm the only real life friend she has) and this one has suggested to her that I would like to join their FaceTime which is him apparently asking her to order him to undress and do other things.

He messages and says he'll tell her when the coast is clear.

So I'm going to ignore the daughter and if she messages again say something like it's sorted, someone was trying to get in touch and they've found him or something.

I'm going to back off with the friend and see less of her too and if she mentions him shut it down. If she doesn't get the support she wants then well she's going to have to ask someone else.

They can get on with it and whatever happens to them well it's their life.

Well lets hope the daughter accepts that! If not, what will you do?

You really haven't thought this through have you?

Not just your friend who lacks boundaries.

@Grenaada It is. She's a self confessed attention seeker. She says she craves attention from men. There's been a whole line up of them, all virtual relationships and all of them attached (or scammers).

She had an online therapist for her MH problems for over a year and a physio at home, and it got her nowhere because she was flirting with them.

She has carers, all women, and the guy I'm talking about suggested they might like to watch too.

Any suggestions about joining groups or having befriending services is ignored as she prefers this.

I think this thread has helped me realise they're birds of a feather. I think he's pure filth and should be ashamed of himself. I do hope his wife finds out and throws him out.

I hate men like him. Maybe his wife will cop on and come on Mumsnet and get told to LEAVE THE BASTARD.

When you say he wanted you to join in, how do you know this?

It seems your friend told you. How did she tell you, was she disgusted or hoping you would do so?

What was your reaction to her? Did you tell her that she was being exploited and that you were going to tell the police and shame him on social media? Did you tell her how concerned, worried and upset you are?

How did she react to that?

Tell her what you have done and be guided by her reaction.

@AirheadMonent count your blessings that they are virtual ‘relationships’. The most depressing thing about the whole thing for us is to see how many of these men are out there. It has been mindblowing. How many are perfectly fine to exploit obvious vulnerability for kicks. I know maybe I was naive but it has been an awful awful eye opener. They are essentially groomers and abusers. The sad thing is that there’s nothing you can do. There is no help. I’ve looked for it. She won’t make complaints against these men even when they’re stealing from her or taking her MH medication. So what help is there? But it’s OK because she’s
an adult! And she’s consenting! And she’s not complaining!!!!! Honestly, people are so stupid.

So by telling you he wants you to join in, she's testing the waters to see if you'll agree?

I think this is your best option. I honestly don’t know how you can help her and it sounds as though it’s wearing you down

You should contact Adult Safeguarding. And tell them that carers may be able to confirm some of the details.

Someone actually suggested sending the DD the videos!

Which is absolutely sick

Isn't that making her the problem not him though?

Other than sending naked video's of himself to her, ( yes that's vile behind his wifes back ) what has he done?

You seem very involved!

I'm sympathetic to the vulnerable woman, but people have the right to make unwise choices

And man having a bit of fun with a woman who's hoping for a relationship is a story as old as time

I think OP is overstepping